Jamie Jason

Brooke & Joao

So last night the crew of Below Deck Mediterranean was in beautiful Capri where the setting couldn’t be more perfect for backstabbing, complaining, and 30th birthday parties.

Adam Glick and Hannah Ferrier live in parallel worlds where each believes they’re single-handedly responsible for successful charters, so when the primary winds up in the kitchen asking why dinner is taking so long, Adam sears Hannah with his angry eyes. It is HANNAH’S JOB to read minds of the guests, and assuage those minds like one kneads bread – and no one who isn’t clad in a Motor Yacht Talisman polo (or crocs!) should enter his teeny overheated prison of fishy smells and fishier business.

For once, though, just for once(!), it is not Hannah’s fault. Hannah actually had given Adam a 10-minute warning, but the guests decided 10 minutes was too long after they’d already been waiting an hour for the slow-to-get-dressed member of their party. It’s that lady’s fault, not Hannah’s. 

Below Deck Mediterranean - Hannah & Joao

Why are so many people unhappy on Below Deck Mediterranean? From the crew to the guests – why must all these interlopers to the bucolic scenery, ancient towns, and stunning blue water bring their cloudy, crusty, rosè tears, tequila tantrums, and salty swimsuit bottom dramas?

WHO LOOKS FOR REASONS TO COMPLAIN AMID ALL THAT BEAUTY? Well OK, I could see being unhappy with Joao Franco, but I can’t see willingly exposing yourself to his predatory nonsense ergo looking for reasons to be unhappy with him (I’m looking at you, Brooke Laughton and Kasey Cohen!).

As for everyone else being so sad – maybe it’s the realization that they pale miserably in comparison to everything the Mediterranean has to offer, which brings out the worst in these people. They are all the gumballs gunking up the deep blue sea.

Kasey Cohen

Uh-oh somebody’s lying! On last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean, Hannah Ferrier discovered that Kasey Cohen lied on her CV and is completely unqualified to work on a super yacht! Meanwhile Joao Franco sucks up to Captain Sandy Yawn in an effort to undermine Conrad Empson while he’s crazy in love. The good news is we finally got some good guests! Not only were they not horrible, they were truly delightful.

The episode opens with the crew out on the town. Brooke Laughton is sulking on a dirty street corner like the naughty school girl she swears she’s not and gives Adam Glick some word salad about how much she likes him. When Adam doesn’t reciprocate she bursts into tears. I would’ve sworn Adam was the type who couldn’t resist a damsel in distress – turns out I was wrong! He gently explains to Brooke that she’s just drunk, lonely, and emotional. (Does anyone else suspect producers put her up to this to try and tempt Adam back into Sandy’s trap?!)

Hannah Ferrier & Horrible Charter Guests

Last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean was a Las Vegas all you can eat buffet from guests who treated Adam Glick like a short-order cook instead of a professionally trained chef! (Have I ever felt bad for Adam before? Did he deserve it after last season’s blatant disregard of guests’ wants?)

Anyway, the whole thing made me glad my puny microwave is the only automatic chef in my house!

I get it. These people, led by “Honey (the name of a stripper whose act is ‘baby spice’), are hungry and they are hungry in a very specific way, like for TOASTED buns and French fries with their steak dinner (that’s pomme frittes to you, mister!), and I understand they become hangry if their food isn’t perfecto, but they needed to drop anchor on their overly-entitled gullets. 

Hannah Ferrier & Conrad Empson Kiss

Just like hooooooney Haaaaanaaaah, it goes down just as sweet. Poor Hannah Ferrier is drowning in her desire for Conrad Empson, and while she has her head in the clouds, everything else on Below Deck Mediterranean is sinking. Especially Captain Sandy Yawn‘s opinion of her!

So here we are in the high seas with one charter’s breakfast service going to crispy toast in a bread basket. If only Kasey Cohen could find her way out of the laundry room to help Brooke Laughton and if only Hannah could find her way out of Conrad’s dreams, Captain Sandy may have gotten either her omelet or her toast in a timely (re: still hot) fashion! Instead, Sandy has to track Hannah down, like a dog sniffing out a dropped piece of meat, and finds her sitting at her computer ordering supplies for the next charter.

Hannah Ferrier

Episode 4 of Below Deck Mediterranean is on its way tonight and there is just so much going on. As per usual, the yachties have charter guests to please, but there is always so much more going on beyond that.

Yes, the guests can be demanding, but that’s not even the half of it when it comes to this show. When one crew member gets in trouble, there’s a trickle down effect to all of the members below their rank. And then there’s the tension between the crew members- some of it of the romantic variety.

below-deck-mediterranean Captain Sandy's toast

Oh, Below Deck Mediterranean – y’all knew that you better bring your A++ Game when a friend of Captain Sandy Yawn‘s is the primary charter, but unfortunately Adam Glick was the only one studying up on How Not To End Up In The Bad Captain’s Log. Adam has been there, done that and you’d think Hannah Ferrier, a veteran of the naughty list herself, would know better!

Joao Franco is the douche of the high seas. A serious creep who makes my stomach churn like Kasey Cohen‘s aboard a super yacht! After ending their first crew night out by calling Hannah an over-the-hill goat, he bah, bah, blacksheeps about how he doesn’t have to listen to her because he’s his own man, not some chief stew’s bitch! Hannah sniffs that Joao’s nothing but a “chamois technician” – something which requires no skill, but somehow this show manages to find ALL the people who cannot handle the task!

Below Deck Mediterranean - Kasey Cohen

This season of Below Deck Mediterranean is turning into whatever the ocean version of a trainwreck is? The Titanic? An attack by one-eyed pirates with a taste for five-star cuisine. Anyway, it’s an high seas hot mess and Captain Sandy Yawn better get savvy about the impending crash of her $80M dollar yacht. There ain’t no smooth sailing ahead – especially with these shellfish-fearing hellfish onboard!

The most awful charter guests ever are still, unfortunately, demanding the entire crew stop doing things to make the boat run and go on a scavenger hunt for nuts. These women are nuts, and the only nuts they’re gonna get are walnuts – even though they are also seeking the male variety. Forever out of stock on Motor Yacht Talisman Maiton! Seriously – where do they find these people, I wonder, before learning they are from Atlanta and deciding they are probably somehow related to the Real Housewives from Hell.