Something curious has happened to Tom 1 over the course of Vanderpump Rules. He's grown from a boy to a man. He has freed himself from the shackles of Kristen Doute's psychotic tyranny and Stassi Schroeder's emotional manipulations and terrible party planning. He has flourished from a sad, aimless emotional wrecking ball to a proud manish metrosexual.
Last night Tom 1 let his anger roar as he took down Stassi, put Kristen in her place, and practically ground Jax Taylor's aging meathead under his boot heel. And never did a hair bend out of shape! Is Ariana Madix responsible for this surge in testosterone - as if releasing himself from Kristen has allowed Tom 1's poor shriveled manliness to blossom Phoenix-style.
Whatever – I was impressed. Take no prisoners Tom. Actually, no, do take Jax prisoner and lock him away from the rest of us because boy deserves to do hard time not these puny 'you can keep your designer sweater' jail stints!
So, were y'all glued to the first half of the Vanderpump Rulesreunion like I was on Monday? Team U.S.A. who? Kidding!(?) I mean, season one, meh, season two, I'm an addict! Here are some things that I now know to be true (besides the obvious "Kristen Doute is totally insane" diatribe): Katie Maloney looks much better as a brunette (welcome back!), she's not featured enough on the show, and she is incredibly well-spoken. I'd also add that's she's a horrible drunk, but she addresses that ever so astutely in her Bravo blog this week. It's kind of long, so I left out her very level and kind words for Scheana Marie'shosting career and her opinions on Jax Taylor's sex addiction. However, I made sure to touch on her thoughts on her friendship with Stassi Schroeder and Kristen and Tom Sandoval's crazy dysfunctional relationship, . Seriously, am I the only one who is surprised by the level of maturity in Katie's blog?
She begins, "After everything that's happened, I don't think the vibe is any better at SUR. It's just different. Obviously with all the time that has past its allowed the dust to settle and lift the tension from the air. Whether or not Stassi was still working at SUR or not, it would still be the same. The dynamic has shifted big time and relationships have changed all for the better. I am thankful that all of us are able to be cordial and still work along side one another."
Last night's Vanderpump Rules reunion only "surved" to prove that Kristen Doute is totally, certifiable, crazypants! Like, absolutely so! I believe Ariana Madix described it as "borderline personality disorder," and while Ariana is by no means a doctor (oh God no!) working at SUR she's certainly come into contact with her fair share of insanity.
So, Tom 1 is still not over the total sham that was his five-year flirtation with the devil because one never gets over something like that – luckily Ariana is helping him cope, Kristen needs help, Stassi Schroeder quit SUR without notice and likely quit the show, Jax Taylor admits to hooking up with married women and pretends he's over Stassi. Katie Maloney was predictable basically not there except to be Stassi's Anonymous Sycophant No 1, Peter Madrigal was unfortunately not there (WAAAH!), and Scheana Marie has turned into a Kardashian. Lisa Vanderpump was annoyed with all of them.
K – see you next season!
Kidding, Kidding… I've got to recap this joint! Andy Cohen was also present and he was so giddy he needed an adult diaper because he was peeing himself with glee. It was… disturbing.
In his blog, Tom 1 gives his account of how he trapped Kristen in a lie, how she finally revealed the truth and why he stood by her as she confronted Stassi Schroeder. It's a really, really dishy (but long) read, so settle in and enjoy!
Tom begins with why he was late to the photoshoot.
"I had no desire to do this photoshoot for many, many reasons, but let's just cover the basics first. My day was a continuation from the day before because I had barely gotten any sleep with the thoughts of this Jax and Kristen scandal playing over and over in my head all night. The photoshoot pics all end up on SUR t-shirts, the SUR website, and a coffee table book that I can't even got a copy of (which I've repeatedly asked for). I've modeled for 15 years and have done countless campaigns, billboards, and magazines," Tom shares.
With the insane season finale of Vanderpump Rules revealing a salacious "banging" and a ton of lies, Stassi Schroeder says that she fled the toxicity of SUR and moved to New York City where she now lives with her new boyfriend Patrick.
Stassi shockingly expresses no desire to return to the show which made her mean girl ways infamous. Stassi no longer works at SUR, of course, and because duh! she's so much more special than just being the princess of cocktail slinging!
"I just realized that my life was just so toxic. Like, everything was so toxic. No one was a good friend, besides Katie [Maloney], obviously," Stassireveals to Hollywood Life about her decision to quit. "I just needed to take myself out of that environment. I can’t be a waitress forever. Come on, eventually we were all going to start moving on." That does not confirm that she's leaving reality TV behind!
Aaaaahhhh Kristen Doute, one-part hoochie mama, one-part crazy, one-part atrociously bad employee, one-part drama queen, and one-part REALLY, REALLY, REALLY bad decision maker! She's one helluva a potent Molotov cocktail!
Of course Kristen denied it. A lot. Even when all evidence pointed to the contrary. But somebody called Sherlock and Law & Order style Kristen got cornered and confessed. Yep, the kitty is out of the bag: Kristen banged Jax – and liked it!
Just when you think the twists on Vanderpump Rules can't get any twistier – they do! Now the entire plotline is like one of those loop-de-loop straws where you go cross-eyed trying to watch the liquid wind through the twists and curves. It sure makes for exciting TV, though!
Things begin with the annual SUR photoshoot. The theme is always endless summer because what is SUR if it's not attractive near-naked people doing Vegas-y things, which is what everyone wants near their food.
Kristen Doute is not participating because she's practically fired for her antics last week and the week before and the week before… and basically since the land before time. Lisa Vanderpump really doesn't care if Kristen bangs Jax Taylor, but she better not bring her hoochie drama into Lisa's restaurant. Lisa has lines, and although those lines are twistier and blurry-er than a bendy straw, they are there.
Lisa's other concern, besides Kristen's behavior, is Jax's lack of remorse over the entire thing. He's at the photoshoot flaunting his pecs and bragging about how the male modelizer is baaack baby! Not quite. True Fact: I remember seeing Jax in Vogue in days of yore. It sure is a shame that he has destroyed his looks. He should just get on with his inevitable destiny of marrying Lindsay Lohan and having some trainwreck reality show starring Dr. Drew Fakesy.
"Mostly, they bum around Los Angeles sleeping with each other’s partners, drinking too much and squabbling endlessly, but at the end of the day, they’re all just lost kids with failed dreams who work in the service industry and happen to be trailed by a production crew."
This line is from a recent Time article, and may I say that it's pure genius and totally accurate. That's right, we're getting high-brow up in here! The piece is on the crew from Vanderpump Rules and seeks to explain viewers' fascination with mean girl Stassi Schroeder, man whore Jax Taylor, and the rest of Lisa Vanderpump's attractive SUR minions. It's certainly my guilty pleasure and last night's finale was everything I hoped for and more!