During a recent episode of Watch What Happens Live, Andy Cohen was doing what he could to set up Stassi Schroeder with Timber Creek Lodge star Mark Milburn. And to be honest, it really didn’t seem like he was off base. They’re both attractive Bravo stars and they had a lot of matching answers when Andy quizzed them on various dating preferences. So did they actually end up going out?
It would be pretty cool if Stassi and Mark ended up dating, especially since Andy set up Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg during an episode of WWHL and they are now happily married. Plus, it’s rare for Stassi to be single, so I feel like it’s not going to last for long. Still, even though they had a lot of the same answers during Andy’s game, that might not do it for Stassi. She seems to be pretty picky, but then again she dated Jax Taylor for years, so what the hell am I talking about?
On last night’s Vanderpump Rules, we learned that Stassi Schroeder‘s problems with men run deep. Like down in the beautiful, briny sea deep. She’s also being strangled in turtleneck-form by her own ill-advised hubris.
Now, I must do a disclaimer with this recap: Do not expect my usual greatness of prose mixed with pearls of wisdom, as I have the worst cold I have ever had in my human existence. And I feel like garbage. Like what Tequila Katie (minus Tom 2) may smear on Scheana Marie‘s overly-contoured face.
Can we talk about Scheana? Ho-ly does that girl need a ‘stink face’ removal procedure. Didn’t anyone warn her that her face will freeze that way if she makes a poop face immediately after getting Botox? I mean, I get it – she has a hard-earned summer body to protect, but lighten up and eat a lil’ clam. I hear Kristen Doute loves them.
Several of the stars of Vanderpump Rules headed to Cabo to party into the New Year. Along for the trip were LaurenWirkus and Ashley Wirkus, twins, and stars of the new Bravo show Summer House. (They made a cameo on Pump Rules earlier in the season).
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules featured dueling birthday trips – one made no attempt to be classy and the other pretended to be something they’re not.
First up, Ariana Madixgrabbed the Toms and Jax Taylor for an RV trek around Sonoma Wine Country, which ground to a halt at a NASCAR track for wieners and wienies. The wienie being Tom 1 who whined and cried – in front of Ariana’s brother no less – that Ariana doesn’t find his man bun and overall short-alls attractive enough to f–k. The poor Toms – it seems they have something in common, in that their ladies would rather do anything but them.
Get your Tom + Katie tea towels ready to clean up the muck that has become Vanderpump Rules!
Recovering from Christmas and an ultimate cookie binge, the last thing I’m in the mood for is whining from Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. But, alas, I am nothing if not a consummate professional, so I have wrenched myself from the sluggish glut of a living room filled with wrapping paper (how many calories does wading through wrapping paper burn?) to complete this recap. Happy holidays! Katie just blew her life savings on $18.00 custom tea towels, and her life now consists of hatefully glaring at Tom Schwartz while folding said towels into cardboard boxes, wrapping the whole thing with twine, and mailing it. In case you were wondering wtf: that’s her wedding invite.
Jax Taylor goes under the knife again, this time to have some work done on his chest. Jax developed gynecomastia, which he blames on taking too many supplements. He wants to be clear that it’s not a “breast reduction” and says this condition is common with body builders.
It’s a cold day in L.A. before I take Scheana Marie‘s side about anything, but thanks to last night’s Vanderpump Rules that icy apocalypse has arrived.
Does anyone even understand what happened last night? It was essentially 30-year-old women playing drunken telephone as if bringing a stupid bridal party game to real life. Somehow, Stassi Schroeder took a situation that she was not a part of in any way, and through heresy, put her own special Stassi spin on it until it dildo-in-acid exploded on Scheana, soaking her in the bile of bad friendships and her own bad karma.