Jax Taylor

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To be honest, I’m a little thrown off by James Kennedy still being a cast member on Vanderpump Rules since he has been alienated by most of the cast. Still, he does have some really scandalous story lines this season and it all revolves around (allegations of) cheating on girlfriend Raquel Leviss, specifically with Gerelyn “GG” Gilbert and a waitress named Ellie. Now GG is seeking her fifteen minutes of fame speaking out about James and calling out the rest of the cast.

It’s hard for me to cope with the idea of anyone having sex with James, let alone making it public knowledge, but GG feels a need to set the (very obvious) record straight and shit on some Pump Rules cast members in the process.

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Tom tries to smother Katie with love.

Happy Valentine’s Day, esteemed Reality Tea readers! To demonstrate how much I love you all, here is a gushing, love-filled recap of Vanderpump Rules. Last night, we found ourselves dealing with stinky situations in the city of saints, sinners, and voodoo. No, it was not corpses escaping their graves in a zombie apocalypse, it was just more Tequila Katie.

As always, the three-headed shebeast proceeded to terrorize the menfolk in a manner befitting of epic trilogies from the ancient years before cell phones could take photos and people were able to communicate with only the push of tiny buttons. What I’m saying is that Tom 2 is on his own Odyssey, charting a territory only tepidly paved by Tom 1‘s Iliad before him (that would be surviving Kristen Doute). I can’t compare Jax Taylor to anything other than Dr. Jackhole and Mr. Jax’d. He writes his own unsavory story – warts and all.

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Kristen Doute

Am I the only one who loves Kristen Doute this season on Vanderpump Rules? She has calmed down, but not too much to the point where she’s boring. I assume a lot of that has to do with her relationship with Brian Carter who I wish was a bigger part of the show. Even though she is (relatively) reformed from her previous Crazy Kristen persona, Kristen is still very open when it comes to talking about Pump Rules.

Kristen addresses those mean girl accusations about Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder against Scheana Marie Shay. She defends Katie against the Tequila Katie alter ego. And believe it or not, she says some good things about Tom Sandoval’s relationship with Ariana Madix. Then she called out Ariana for being fake and shit on Sandoval‘s jokes during Jax Taylor’s roast.

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Tom Sandoval

I wish Vanderpump Rules had longer episodes. Or at the very least, I wish some uncensored scenes got put up online. I just want to know what really happens when it comes to the sex, drugs, and other antics. Thankfully, Tom Sandoval spilled some piping hot tea about all things Pump Rules.

Tom discussed Jax Taylor’s (alleged) drug use, Katie Maloney’s Tequila Katie moments with those infamously mean drunk texts, Scheana Marie’s divorce from Mike Shay, everyone crashing James Kennedy’s performance, and Kristen Doute’s comedy. Not only that, but Tom also shared some of his own jokes that were too much to be shown on Bravo.

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Vanderpump Rules

One of my favorite thing about the start of new Real Housewives seasons is the revelation of the stars tag lines in the show introductions. It sets the tone for the season and hints at what we can expect from the cast members. That’s why I wish the Vanderpump Rules cast had tag lines each season.

Unfortunately, I have zero power at Bravo, but I put a lot of thought into this and came up with some ideas in case Andy Cohen, or whoever else is important at the network, wants to borrow some of my words for inspiration.

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Katie and Scheana fight

You guys, it’s Katie Maloney‘s life, she can ruin it if she wants to, but everyone else better cheer, clap, and act happy! Frankly I’m confused about what’s even going on with Vanderpump Rules. It is all over the place – like we went from church to Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval trying on Lisa Vanderpump‘s bras to dress in drag for Tom Schwartz‘s bachelor party. Read that sentence back to yourself and tell me this show isn’t perplexing?

Last episode ended with SUR’s Aging Warriors stalking and harassing James Kennedy. This episode opens with everyone acting like it was so stupid that anyone would even bother stalking and harassing James Kennedy. Like, DUH! Obviously!

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Vanderpump Rules season 5 cast

I love Vanderpump Rules, but there are just some plot points that don’t really add up to me. Maybe that’s just because I’m a naive purist who’s looking for way too much reality in my reality TV shows. I really do need to accept that a lot of what we get to see is not completely factual, but until then, I still have so many unanswered questions about Vanderpump Rules.

There is just so much going on with this show that drifts away from the show’s initial premise. To be honest, most of it has to deal with these restaurant workers having the funds for their shenanigans and/or the weird web of romance and friendship that everyone seems to be way too accepting of.

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James

Today I come to tell a tale about the World’s Greatest DJ, who was persecuted and stalked, mercilessly harassed, and run out of clubs, all because the world wanted to possess his art and his talent. Naturally, I speak of James Kennedy, The White Kanye, and the rapper on the run from his tormentor Jax Taylor. Such are songs of sorrow played out on Vanderpump Rules.

Oh, last night was a doozy, filled with Ariana Madix‘s infamous sulk and the slow emancipation of Scheana Marie as she suddenly blinked into the light as it dawned on her that Stassi Schroeder‘s power and possession was an elaborate ruse. If only Katie Maloney would see such signs, but alas she’s too busy painting squiggly black lines over the sunrise of truth.

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