Last night on Vanderpump Rules it was a birthday bonanza! First Ariana Madix channeled her inner child with a potent cocktail of tequila, tears, and trampolines. Then Peter Madrigal channeled his inner manhood with a potent cock-tail of bulldozers, booze, and booty touching in Vegas. Aaaahhh… ain’t nothing like a little boy bonding.
Ariana throws the most major of epic pseudo-kids birthday parties. It was pretty much exactly the same party Kyle Richards throws for Portia, minus the Fat Burger truck, plus an open bar. Ariana rented a bounce house, trampoline, piñata, silly string, face painters, etc. She’s also wearing a bizarre unicorn horn, dangerously protruding from her forehead. It distracts from her side-eye, because it’s like a very pointy third eye. A very pointy third eye aimed directly atTom 1‘s shenanigans. Concerns: what happens when one mixes a unicorn horn with an inflatable bounce house? Somebody’s bubble is about to get burst!
In where’d that come from?!? news, Jax Taylor has opened his own restaurant.
In how stupid can he be?!? news, the Vanderpump Rules star admitted he did NOT ask restaurateur extraordinaire Lisa Vanderpump for advice before he invested in and opened up a restaurant. But – NO WORRIES – he knows what not to do from being a ridiculously crappy employee for so many years and he plans to steal Peter Madrigal, who is a good employee, from SUR. Why do I get the feeling that Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz wrote Jax’s business plan?
If I were Jax Taylor‘s girlfriend Brittany, after watching last night’s Vanderpump Rules, I’d be breaking up with him. But she probably got into the business of dating Jax by watching Vanderpump Rules, so I’ll assume she’s not surprised by his general assiness and lies.
Before we get into all the drama Lisa Vanderpump meets an early 30-something woman named Arielle with priorities. Imagine! Arielle volunteers with homeless youth (aged 18 – 23) who live in a shelter. Arielle reached out to Lisa and Ken on Facebook because many of these kids have never eaten in a fancy restaurant and have always wanted to. Lisa and Ken of course say yes.
Now, drama. Lala Kent did not hook up with Jax after PRIDE – but not for lack of trying! Lala asks if he wants to get a drink, so Jax pretends he’s not really together with his girlfriend Brittany. Out of sight, out of mind; in sight, in Jax’s bed!
About his emotional talk with his mom, James said, “It was a difficult time for me. I made a lot of mistakes this summer. I feel like what I was going through with my family was definitely a part of that – it took me into a little bit of a whirlwind. With everything going on at SUR and with my parents, it was just a lot to handle.”
James said insinuating that he used Kristen Doute to get more screen time is “preposterous,” adding, “It’s not like I was banging her for four months and became a primary. We were together for a year and a half. We had a Christmas tree together last year. I don’t understand…” <silence> Because, swearing.
Vanderpump Rules lives by its own code of ethics. That code being, if you don’t get caught it’s not cheating, and if you don’t get caught cheating with your friend’s boyfriend, you’re still a good friend. Lisa Vanderpump needs to quit re-educating with sommeliers and instead try educating her employees on HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. Like maybe Communications 101?
Also, I owe Kristen Doute an apology. Sort of. I used to believe James Kennedy was a super-douchey arrogant jerk because Kristen is so insane, but now I realize it was just a case of Like Attracts Like. They’re both total jerks, who, luckily for everyone else, had found each other to terrorize. Now that James and Kristen have split, James is inflicting his assholery on everyone else. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix are “Adulting,” James is instead “Douchebagging Extreme!” Run Lala, run!
Kristen‘s ex-boyfriend, James Kennedy, was the main focus of Vanderpump Rules again this week. For reasons I will never understand, girls are sleeping with him and then fighting over him. Ariana Madix nailed my reaction perfectly, when she deadpanned, “People want to have sex with James?” Right?!
Our favorite reality TV stars cannot get enough of the spotlight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to social media to share even more of their lives with us. And we would not have it any other way. Here’s a roundup of some of our favorite snapshots and selfies from this week. Enjoy.