Last night was the rather lackluster Below Deck reunion. It turns out, that despite the ENTIRE SEASON FOCUSING ON THIS, nobody really hates Jen Howell (except Kyle Dixon, but that just seemed silly). At least we got the satisfaction of Captain Lee Rosbach telling Nico Scholly how much he sucks. Cause he did (and does).
Nico brought the full package of his douche-holery to the WWHL reunion stage, where he feathered his bangs like a late 90’s Tom Cruise, and acted just as smarmy. Nico regrets that he was caught acting like a self-absorbed, immature, jerk on camera, which he claims was a reaction to his grief. Perhaps, but Lee isn’t buying it. He straight up calls Nico “childish” and tells him he never would have promoted him had he known what was going on behind the scenes. But then later Lee says he’d include Nico in his Fantasy Below Deck All Star A$$holes Draft picks. So which is it – do you Nico, or do you not Nico, Lee?
Last night was the season finale of Below Deck. Valor whooshed into the dock for the very last time – at least it didn’t crash! Captain Lee Rosbach sent off his motley – literally – crew into the choppy seas and looked forward to a blue horizon filled with competent people. Unless Bravo has anything to do with!
Of course the last gasps of drama were still washing up onto the beach, little bottles with messages that people stopped caring about long ago. Well, all people except Jen Howell. And one little pirate of hearts who swashbuckled his way home – I’m talking about Nico Scholly. And aren’t all my sailing metaphors just as horrific as he is?!
Let’s see: Jen has generally sucked at her job, publicly called her boss, Kate Chastain, a whore, gotten sloppy drunk once, or twice, maybe thrice, entered the book of world records for slowest latte making, was sexually harassed, but NOT sexually satisfied as she so desperately wants – instead Yachterella constantly bemoaned that she never gets taken to any balling, luckily Jen also gave herself an orgasm over dinner! She’s also thrown her chief stew under the propellor to guests, fought with Brianna Adekeye, resurrected the Jan Brady hairstyle one flowby at a time, and most recently scratched Bruno Duarte. A small part of me feels like Jen and Tom Cruise are soulmates – now that she’s officially too slut shaming for Kyle Dixon.
It’s Jen Howell‘s world and we’re all just sailing through it! Or at least that’s what the worst stewardess in Below Deck history seems to believe!
Interactions between Jen and Kate Chastain are still strained after their ‘whore – no you’re the whore’ argument from last week. Jen doesn’t care though – she’s gonna be the best stew she can be (which means the worst stew Kate has ever seen) and she has a new ally in Kyle Dixon. Or so she thinks.
On last night’s Below Deck, we lost one crew member and gained another. Well, I use the word “gain” loosely, Jen Howell and Kate Chastain needed an HR rep to review sexual harassment policies. Support each other, ladies – no slutshaming aboard the 5-star Valor! And Nico Scholly made a miraculous recovery.
Poor Nico is in his bunk, all by himself, flexing his hand while tapping on his iPhone just waiting for Brianna Adekeye to check his temperature. Instead Jen and Bri are in hula gear at 1am, faced with a mountain of dishes that gives Jen delirium and psychosis. She’s talking more gibberish than usual, and she’s pretty sure that butter knife turned into a talking seahorse. What was IN that dinner Matt Burns made? It sure wasn’t happy juice!
Last night on Below Deck, Nico Scholly was out for the count and no one even noticed his absence. Of course mostly everyone else continued to suck.
In St. Martin’s, the wind is rough, making massive waves. Captain Lee Rosbach is worried Valor won’t be leaving the dock for their upcoming charter. Of course, this guarantees that they’ll have super annoying, constantly-unhappy guests bringing a new meaning to expression “rough seas ahead.” Thankfully, after fighting with EJ Jansen over filthy feet, Nico’s brother is gone and taking 1/2 the Scholly a-component with him. Nico temporarily remains, dirty feet and jerky attitude, though! He blames EJ for trying to bait his brother into a fight.
Last night’s Below Deck charter was annoying “AF,” which is how lead charter guest Sarah liked to tag every last thing! I don’t know if she just learned to spell and wanted to prove that she can, or possibly that she thinks English is a dead language replaced by Hashtag Speak, but she was correct in labeling their group “H.M.E”: Hot Mess Express. More like Hot Mess Distress.
The happy couple was only happy if there was booze to be consumed, and her much-older fiance was essentially silent as she careened around the yacht complaining, tantrum-ing, and shrieking like Vicki Gunvalson. Shockingly the one thing aboard Valor that consistently impressed this charter group was Jen Howell. How’s that for a reversal of the status quo!?
On last night’s Below Deck, pretty much everyone was terrible. Except Bruno Duarte. Yes, Bruno was pretty much sugar, spice, and everything nice, but the rest of the crew…
Nico Scholly so does not care about cheating on his girlfriend anymore. From halfway around the world, Melissa is sensing that something is wrong and calling him an extra lot about why he’s distancing her. I mean, other than the whole ‘on a yacht in the sea’ thing, she means like emotional distance. The answer: Brianna Adekeye. Big ol’ UGH on that girl!
While Nico is getting his sea quests on, Matt Burns is trying to reconnect with his ex-girlfriend. He suggests they get together while he’s on leave and is met with a flat-out “Nope.” She’s not interested. Strangely, eerily, after the hot mess express disaster he’s been, Matt takes this in stride… straight to the bar.