So much happened on last night’s Below Deck that my head is spinning from all the activities! There were fights, and costumes, and kinda celebrity guests (not the exciting kind). There was also one of Matt Burns burn out episodes, sandwiched in between Brianna Adekeye and Nico Scholly‘s elicit romance (fauxmance? boredom-mance?). But at least, under the tutelage of EJ Jansen, the deck crew is finally getting their crap together. Too bad the same can’t be said for the stew crew!
The episode begins with Nico and EJ feuding over who is the bigger asshole. Remember boys, one finger pointing at each other means four fingers pointing back at yourself! EJ may have menacingly called Nico “buddy boy” while he seized possession of Valor from Nico’s ego, but Nico was still the bigger jerk for accusing EJ of being drunk and repeatedly calling him an asshole while storming around the boat, sulking, and then swearing to quit the next day if he wasn’t promoted to his rightful position as bosun.
On last night’s Below Deck one crew member went down, another almost sunk Captain Lee Rosbach‘s reputation, and a third got labeled a bitter Betty with the bad hair. Well, you can’t say these yahoos don’t try!
As they arrive in St. Barth’s, Valor is sailing into territory usually only charted by Real Housewives. It’s high season, which means multi-million dollar yachts, probably carrying celebrities and the stakes for keeping up with the Joneses – or the Falcons, rather, are high for keeping up. This is obviously foreshadowing, indicating that an ENORMOUS f–k up will happen. And who will go down. Duh, duh, duh.
Last night the Below Deck disasters got a new drill sergeant to whip them in to shape when Captain Lee surprised them by bringing EJ on board as the brand new bosun. He might be all “cool beans” and chipper smiles, but he’s using those tow lines as a whip faster than Chris Brown can say “Booooooze.”
Something about EJ is a little smarmy and shifty. Also insincere and hollow. Is he a robot? He seems to be relishing his role as savior of the Valor’s honor. He doesn’t have crazy eyes, but overly-intense eyes. He reminds me of Captain Dan from Forrest Gump maybe? This season is just too weird in general; nothing about casting makes much sense.
So, after a night of partying the crew is up and att’em to clean Valor, except for Chris Brown, who can’t be bothered to shove a mop while complaining about how hung over he is. Nico Scholly is pissed, and first thing in the morning while nursing the booze blues is no time to be angry.
Ugh – what can even be said about last night’s Below Deck, except Disco makes more sense? I mean, Kate Chastain is in a cult and gone mad, Chris Brown is absolutely bafflingly sucky, and everyone wants Brianna Adekeye to suck their summin-summin.
With one charter out the door, the crew is in da club and Jen Howell is in the cups. Actually, she’s in the jungle juice and drowning in it. Jen’s messiness is also messing up Kate’s ‘date’ with sexy Aqua Jesus, who truth be told is just OOOOKaaay looking, but Kate has some weird taste in significant others, to say the least! With someone else assuming responsibility for Jen – for once! – Kate and J2.0 depart for his heavenly waters. “What would Jesus do?” Kate says, “Me.” Indeed.
Kate finally decides to turn things over to God. “Yes, I have a moronic crew,” she declares, “but he gave me easy guests.” With the guests safely ensconced on their beach picnic, she uses the time to complain to Captain Lee that she can’t continue doing all the stewarding single-handled and requests additional crew.
Last night was the premiere of Below Deck season 5 and guess what?! I have thoughts. Oh so many thoughts. And I may still pine for the Season 1 cast. Oh Bravo, where did you, NOT Captain Lee Rosbach, find these people?!
Captain Lee is steering the gorgeous Valor out to St. Martin with a skeleton crew of ne’er do wells, or actually never-had-dones. He blames all the “Hollywood Types and Wall Street pricks” who now own yachts instead of merely chartering them, and therefore there are NO available good crew left and he was stuck with the leftovers. #DoNotBelieve. I blame Bravo casting. Either legit professionals don’t want to appear on a reality show, or Bravo intentionally cast unprepared boneheads for drama.
By now we’ve all seen Below Deck‘s Men Eater commercials starring Kate Chastain enough times to expect a season of some serious resting bitch face! So without further ado here is a brief lifesaving recap of last season’s drama – just because it’s good to be prepared on the high seas! Or maybe it doesn’t matter since this season the crew is almost completely new.
The most saddy-sad news of all is that Ben Robinson is not returning. I. Know. Oh boy do I know. So sad. He and his on-boat/off-boat girlfriend Emily Warburton-Adam are instead launching their own cooking show. Needless to say Emily, who started out so promising, and ended up so Anti-Kate, is not returning either!