You could feel the collective intake of air when society as a whole learned the news that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would be bringing a mini-Kimye into the world. If you were quiet enough, you could probably hear the dollar signs ka-chinging in Kris Jenner's eyeballs. Oh, the spin-offs! The elaborate and totally ridiculously expensive baby gifts (the child will need his or her own private jet)! The publicity! The magazine covers! Did I mention the spin-offs? How are we ever going to continue Keeping Up with theKardashians if they are constantly multiplying?
Kim and Kanye's khild is already internationally famous and the kid hasn't even been born yet. However, being famous for being conceived is far better than one his or her mother is famous for, right? Let's face it…the world had the same fearful reaction for the unborn child's fate when Jersey Shore's tequila-soaked, slipper-wearing, fist-pumping, underwear-forgetting meatball, and that situation (no pun intended) seems to be working out wonderfully. Snooki has truly taken to motherhood, and most people would likely agree that it seems to have changed her for the better. I'm hoping the same for Kim and wish her and tiny rapper my congratulations.
I'll admit, my fist pumping has turned into more of a fist wrist flick. Not only did the Jersey Shore end, it ended with a fizzle, not a grenade. It was time, and although I love my gross, orange, drunk, poorly dressed friends, that finale was just too tame. Don't get me wrong…I wasn't looking for alcohol infused antics, but these roommates have shown us time and again that they can entertain without being totally wasted. The pranks, rascal races, family dinners, and meatball auditions were hilarious. The series finale was not.
So, earlier last night we watched the end of an overly tanned, liquor-infused, fist-pumping era. I'll admit, while Paula's cake to Mike was ridiculously disgusting and disturbing, I giggled a bit…and for that, I'm ashamed. Even if the house thought it was funny, it wasn't okay. At all. Now, it's time for the Jersey Shore reunion.
We revisit seasons past: t-shirt time, Snooki's initial entrance into the house, and Vinny's faux hawk. The gang jokes about how their random sayings work their way into the conversations of us regular folks before showing a highlight reel of many roommate fights. While they are all about throwing punches and pulling hair, they can laugh it off knowing they were quick to forgive once everyone got sober. For once, Snooki's hair is more orange than her skin. Cue a duck phone montage. Everyone jokes about Mike's final beat down of the poor mallard.
I'm not going to lie, but I've got some tissue on hand for the series finale of Jersey Shore. I always get super teary when shows end…Zack and Kelly's wedding, the final Family Ties, Who's the Boss, and don't even get me started on Friends! However, I can honestly say I've never gotten sad about the end of a reality show. Hopefully, that's the norm. I don't remember getting upset saying good-bye to any of the Real World casts (more like good riddance!), and I barely noticed when my fave Rosie Pope didn't get renewed. However, for some odd and unknown reason, these orange meatballs and gorilla juiceheads are different.
After being accosted by a friend to give the show a chance, I was appalled. Who wears slippers out in public and thinks it's funny to show their Britneys while on the dance floor? What idiots tan every day and use enough hairspray that we may have cause to sue them for global warming? Sadly, I was quickly won over by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Vinny Guadagnino, DJ Pauly D Delvecchio, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Deena Cortese, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, and Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola. Yes, their antics showed no inkling of decorum or maturity, and yes, I was (and still am) grossed out by many of their actions, but in a world of reality television show where cast mates hate one another, it was beyond refreshing to see this group grow into a legitimate family. I have no doubt that the majority of them will still be pranking each other in the assisted living facility. Hanging out for a day with Vinny and Pauly is on my bucket list. Instead of VPL being code for visible panty line, it would be Vinny/Pauly/Lauren. I digress (what else is new?). On to the recap…I'm wearing my favorite airbrushed tank top, my whitest pair of sneakers, and leopard print track pants. My hand is wrapped around some Ron-Ron juice (kidding, I don't want to die!), and I'm ready to wish these imbeciles well. Do you think it's a coincidence that their show ends the night before many doomsdayers think we're all goners?
The roommates have decided to throw a giant bonfire party on the beach. They plan to invite all of their family and friends to commemorate their final MTV summer together. Pauly and Vinny are in charge of getting wood. Erection jokes ensue. The wood won't fit in their vehicle, so Vinny is forced to wheel it home on the handcart while Pauly follows behind him in the SUV. Classic VP. A party rental place is delivering tables, chairs, and the like. I guess these people can finally afford a legitimate party. They even bring the grill to the beach. Pauly lights the bonfire. Oh yeah, fi-arh, yeah!
Also in attendance last night was LeAnn Rimes. She took some time off from singing about lusting after another woman's husband long enough to ruin what would've been a perfect performance by Carly RoseSoneclar. LeAnn used to have an amazing voice, but this was a trainwreck!
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Oh, Pauly "DJ Pauly D" Delvecchio…have you been cheating on me? No? Well, you've been cheating on MTV, although I can't say I blame you. You were enticed by the dimples and flashy Kardashian representation that Ryan Seacrest provides. I don't think anyone will judge you.
The acronym creating, high hair wearing, "cabs are heeya" screaming star of Jersey Shore is getting a new show…and it's not on the network that made him an international reality star and a household name. That's right. He's potentially moving on to E! What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to hop to another channel for more money. I'm not hating, Pauly…I want you in my TV line-up regardless.