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Jim Bellino

This weekend Alexis Bellino threw a surprise 50th birthday extravaganza for husband Jim Bellino. Jim, who has officially declared that he will never, ever not for one minute ever again appear on an episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, was surprised with a private jet to Napa where he celebrated with several friends. Can they afford this? Isn’t that a little “materialistic?”

“Happy Birthday to the love of my life, my hot hubby Jim Bellino. You don’t look a day over 38! Muah!,” Alexis gushed on Twitter.

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Oh, the repercussions of Costa Mexico!  Just once I’d love to write something happy or positive about one of Bravo’s housewives franchises, but alas, I may have to wait until 2013.  Here’s hoping!  Oh well, onto the Real Housewives of Orange County!  Before we begin, let me start with a disclaimer I seem to tout with all of these housewives posts.  These women are all pretty much ridiculous.  (Not you, Heather Dubrow.  Want to plan a wardrobe swap soon?  I’ve got some great Target pieces I think you’d really love to wear!  Call me. #eventrade)

With all the fallout from the recent intervention (you know, the one that let Alexis Bellino know she’s shallow and pretentious…so nothing like her co-stars), it was rumored that the reunion may be missing a cast member.  Thankfully, Alexis didn’t pull a Jacqueline Laurita, and she was there to face Andy Cohen’s music with the rest of her O.C. cohorts.

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Uh oh.  Could everyone’s favorite Real Housewives of Orange County couple be heading for Splitsville (population Slade Smiley)?  I know you will all be as devastated as I am if this is true.  A source close to Gretchen Rossi (of course) recently spilled some dirt on the couple’s relationship to RadarOnline.com, and said source doesn’t appear to be a fan of Sladey Wadey.

“Gretchen is growing tired of taking care of Slade and paying for everything in his life and she’s just about had it,” the insider tells the site.

“She is supporting him and helping to pay his legal bills and it’s getting to be too much for her,” the source reveals. “Gretchen is seriously considering ending the relationship because she’s sick of doing everything for Slade.”

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It honestly may be Christmas in June. Thank you Real Housewives of Orange County!  A little nugget known as Jim Bellino’s chin blog has officially made my day.  In excerpts from a post written at the beginning of May, he interviews himself.  It’s brilliant.  Technically, he’s not the one who generated the questions, but he’s certainly answering them in pure Jimbo fashion.

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Alexis Bellino is everybody’s favorite ditzy, delusional, hypocritical Jesus Barbie and together with her husband Jim Bellino they have provided countless hours of amusement to us fans. Well, unfortunately, that may soon come to an end!

LA Late News is reporting that Jim and Alexis may be leaving Real Housewives of Orange County! Which would break my heart, I swear it! Jim has been repeatedly negative about the show: refusing to film, then refusing to appear with the other women on the show, then agreeing to film in diminished capacity while doing a weekly blog speaking out against the editing, the storylines, and the other Housewives.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County it was all about Gretchen Christine. She’s got a zillion careers. One of them, is unfortunately singing, which she can’t actually do, and another one is dating Slade Smiley, which is really just an unnecessary side-job she should quit.

Well, Gretchen Christine is quite the fair-weather friend isn’t she? So, she arrives at Alexis Bellino‘s latest rent-a-mcmansion and plops her Gretchen Christine handbag on the counter and starts doing the QVC descriptor hands over the intricately designed leatherette flower, while Lex oooohhhs and aaaahhhs. This is taking the Bravo Home Shopping Network a touch too far. Quick question: Anybody out there sporting one of those jalopies? Yeah, didn’t think so!

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On Tuesday’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, viewers were reminded of how delusional Alexis Bellino is with her Katie Kourig-ing, and why they don’t like Jim Bellino one bit! Well, now the Bible thumping couple is speaking out in defense of their marriage and insisting they’re right with each other and the teachings of Jesus.

Taking to his own blog, created purely to dispel the myth of Bravo editing (which is why he supposedly stopped appearing on the show in the first place), Jim explains that his marriage is actually very balanced and supportive.

“This dinner was more than two hours long, but what viewers will see is a two-minute segment put together for TV that doesn’t really show you the in-depth conversation and the detailed discourse that was had,” Jim begins. Adding that while he is “no theologian” the bible evokes that “a husband and wife shall be like-minded in life’s journey.”

“As the head of the household, I know that ultimately it is my responsibility to ensure that balance is always a priority, and that’s exactly what I was thinking about during my dinner with Alexis.” (Bolded By Jim for dramatic effect!). And Jim says his scrutiny over Alexis’ schedule was purely out of concern for her happiness.

“If you looked up one morning to find that your wife had three jobs and was running two companies, would you not want to address it with her, out of concern that she may become overwhelmed?;” he wonders. “Alexis is her own person, and I am not married to her to decide what challenges she takes up—I am here as her partner in marriage and in life to remind her of the big picture, just as she does for me.”

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Tamra Barney got her titties (not to be confused with tits) reduced, Vicki Gunvalson ran like the devil from a white trash harlot itching for a fight. Gretchen Rossi‘s singing caused me to pause the television so I could belly laugh for approximately five minutes. And Heather Dubrow hosted a bowling party … which got quite dramatic.

Things start out with our fair maiden Tamra visiting the manor atop a hill overlooking the sea. No this isn’t Once Upon A Time, it’s still RHOC and Tamra is merely visiting Heather‘s house. She muses about the view while gulping over the sheer abundance. See, unlike the ladies of RHOBH Tamra isn’t used to such opulence or actual wealth.

Heather calms Tammie Sue down by pouring wine down her throat and then announces she is hosting a bowling and champs party. Except champs is pronounced shamps. Heather finds this to be a clever thing to do and is quite amused with herself for coming up with another unconventional party to keep the ladies on their toes. She loves mixing the up with the down and the fun with the irregular – like taking a helicopter to LA for the day, for instance. She cited that as an actual example.

Heather reveals her true motivation is not to show off her quirky, yet classy, party planning techniques but to get the girls together to mend fences. And there went the class she was anticipating – out the window, over the cliffs, and right on into the Pacific. Maybe some lifeguard will pick it up down in Juarez (if the ocean current even runs that way – geography eludes me).

Tamra gulps back her wine, smiles a tense smile, and comments that, like, Vicki and Gretchen kind of hate each other. Heather smiles, nods, and is like ‘duh, that’s the point!’ in response. Heather has the oddest smile doesn’t she? It’s like the Chesire Cat grin with no teeth? I’m not the only one seeing this, am I? Maybe I shouldn’t drink wine and watch HW?

One other small snafu – Tamra will not be able to attend. She’s getting her titties reduced that week and will be out for the count. No bowling and champers for this girl. Too bad, cause I bet Tammie Sue had a mean strike back in ’85 when she was the hook-up queen of BFE, Idaho or wherever she’s from. All big hair and bigger balls. But not quite those big bazoonkas – those came later when she became the hook-up queen of ’98 in Orange County.

Tamra and Heather talk Brooks Ayers and Vicki. Tamra, proving she’s a good friend, is worried for Vicki because she thinks Brooks is a little like a shark who smells blood in the water and is swooping in for the kill. He senses that Vicki is vulnerable and tired of her love tank running on fumes, so he’s saying anything in his power to sweet talk the little rich desperada.

Proving just that, Brooks and Vicki do lunch and he opens the date with a card. Is this man keeping Hallmark in business or what? Does Vicki need a storage unit to house all those affirmations? Does she have a special box devoted to the cards that reassure her she does not look like Miss Piggy? Vicki says Brooks wants to move here, but is worried about leaving his children behind.

Anyway, Vicki and Brooks talk their love and it’s gross and I’m glad I wasn’t eating alongside them cause I would have surely asked for a doggybag and high tailed it out of there. Then Brooks asks Vicki what assets she’s getting in the divorce from Donn. That was so awkward. You know Bravo forced him to bring that up. She’s getting the big house, the house Jeana sold her that has tanked in value because Slave‘s stuff was hogging up the garage for close to a decade, and her retirement fund. Donn gets the beach house. And the dog.

Vicki tells us their love is a beautiful, fun ride down a winding scenic road and she is so thrilled that all her tanks are full. ALL her tanks? Is she the Starship Enterprise? She has reserve fuel now? Then she admits Brooks has access to all her accounts – email, banking, off-shore savings, whatever. A fun ride indeed – Vicki’s bank account is about to be as empty as her love tank. She loves that Brooks is romantical, unlike Donn who didn’t blow the mortgage payment on greeting cards. Loser. Tamra is right – this reeks of disaster!

Heather completes a Housewives rite of passage – the speakerphone invitation. Alexis can’t come ’cause she can’t bend over due to her nose job recovery. And Gretchen‘s voicemail insists you call Slave if you want to get a hold of her. So, lemme get this straight – Slave doesn’t work for Gretch, yet he fields her calls and deals with all her requests? Cause that sounds like what a personal assistant does? Is he her Slaveretary?

Alexis Bellino can’t bend over, but she can embarrass herself on the news. Seriously – was this Fox5′s idea of a practical joke? She does her make-up in the public restroom, then rushes out on stage and flubs one of the guest’s names. I kept waiting for her to mispronounce Adriana as areola or something. Then she kept interrupting the panel – which was on kids – and treating it as her own personal therapy session.

Surely this woman is not being paid? Alexis, proving that all the peroxide hair dying has destroyed the few brain cells she ever had, reveals that she wants her own show and she is, like, totally qualified because she took a journalism class in college. First of all – she went to college? AHA! AHA HA! Yeah, Not buying that! Second of all – remember all that stuff that was supposedly removed from her sinuses? I’m pretty sure those were actually her three remaining brain cells.

And all roads apparently lead to delusion tonight, because Gretchen is in the car with Slave driving to a voice coach for her Pussycat Dolls Appearance. Didn’t you know – they’re like a world-renowned dance troupe? Anyway, she’s on the phone telling someone that she strained her vocal chords screaming at Vicki and they’ve never recovered.

At the voice lesson she cannot even muster a chord. Nor is she allowed to speak to the vocal coach because Slave keeps interrupting to explain that Gretchen shouldn’t talk cause she’s straining her voice. Who else thinks he’s just trying to shut her up? Seriously – both of them please play the silent game. For the rest of the season.

Then Gretch starts practicing her scales. And all I can say is that vocal coach’s facial expressions made last night’s episode all worth it for me. That “singing” was like an American Idol reject audition. Oh, holy it was bad. Worse than bad. It was … wow – I don’t have words.

Alexis and her king do dinner. It’s date night! So Jim Bellino ruins it by telling Alexis her job is pathetic and she should basically stay at home in rent-a-mcmansion of the week and wash dishes. Right after Alexis gets done talking about how proud she is that she helped provide for her family in a bad economy while Jim’s scamming suffered and how she is so happy they could work together; Jim reminds her that when they married they became the same flesh. Except her half of the flesh does a lot of cleaning and not a lot of bread-winning.

He then tells her that while Alexis Couture is still pretty much a joke, it can stay if she continues running it from the basement, but Fox 5 needs to go. According to him Alexis only agreed to do it because she has a hard time telling people no. Clearly she would rather be at home hard-boiling eggs. Alexis is furious and retaliates by savagely chomping her poor french fry.

Oh Jim. Remember when you swore that you were not going to appear on camera because this show made you look bad? Well, perhaps you should revisit that proclamation because once again you are looking like a misogynistic ass. Although, a part of me believes he just wants Alexis to save herself the embarrassment of further faux newscastering. Good lord – she is awful! Maybe it was goodness and kindness and love that made him tell her to quit. Or maybe he was mortified by her weekly news cameltoe and cleavage display.

Poor Alexis squeakingly admits in her ITM that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. Then she looks around to check if Jim is lurking behind her eavesdropping. You make that money girl – you need it to pay for the divorce attorney!

Tammie Sue is getting her old titties yanked out in exchange for some natural-sized boobies. She’s nervous as heck, but it’s sure as hell better than keeping the boobs Simon forced her to get. I like her style. She can wrap up the old implants and send them to Simon for Christmas. Eddie has serious concerns about these new so-called small boobs, but Tamra is resolved.

And reason no 6,476 why I wouldn’t be on a reality show: being contractually obligated to participate in post-op filming. <<shudder>> After calling Vicki, who is too busy raising money to pay for Donn‘s alimony and Brooks‘ child support working, here comes Gretchy, sucking up. Gretchen could come ’cause she has no job to speak of. I thought she wasn’t allowed to talk? She reapplies Tamra’s lipgloss, which is apparently more necessary than water, and whips out a bottle of Penis Tequila.

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