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Joe Gorga

Ahhhh… New Jersey, where class goes to die. Oh, I joke! What I should say is Real Housewives of New Jersey- where class goes to die. So Chris Laurita tried to be all sophisticated-like and invite these imbeciles to a vineyard he is hoping to sign a business deal with. So, just read that sentence back to yourself again and then pause – no logic, right? Well, I guess he needed Bravo to expense his business trip.

This episode had a lot going on from friendship and family drama to marital discord, but the important thing, the crazy thing, the most ridiculous thing was Joe Giudice and Albert Manzo‘s highly intense discussion about KFC. Was there or was there not a KFC on some street, in some random Jersey suburb?! There they are on a bus bitching about biscuits. This warrants a very terse and snippy discussion peppered with F-bombs and lots of ‘I ate extra crispy every day dammit, I know where the bleeping KFC is dumb a$$.’ “You’re a loser!” Albert yells. Yeah… grown men over there!

So let’s get this recap started…

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Tonight is an all-new episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. We’ve been hearing for weeks about Joe Giudice‘s explosive phone call when he is captured on film referring to Teresa Giudice as his “bitch wife” among other things. Well, tonight it finally makes it on air!

Teresa recently appeared on the cover of In Touch Weekly, where she vowed to leave Joe if he was caught cheating and claimed Le Juicy one is “sorry” for his actions. Anyone see any pigs flying lately? Oh yeah… me either!

Well Reality Tea’s source tell us EXCLUSIVELY that Joe’s is anything but sowry and is tired of being second fiddle to Teresa’s RHONJ success. Those Giudices really make a lot of insincere apologies, don’t they?

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Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, the ladies (and their omnipresent hardworking spouses) proved that when push comes to shove and contracts are on the line, they can get along like really, really well. In fact the only people not pasting on their happy faces were Caroline Manzo and husband Albert - who I was surprised to hear speak last night.

Things begin with a wake-up binge drink-a-thon amongst the men. The gang decides they are going surfing despite the freezing cold water and their inebriated state of mind. Everyone except Caroline and Al. They prefer whine to wine. Jacqueline Laurita is also sitting this one out because she feels too fat to wear a wetsuit. Didn’t she have this problem last vacation?

Never willing to spare anyone’s feelings both Teresa Giudice and separated at birth sister-in-law Melissa Gorga both strap on some of their more bodacious, sparkly, and revealing bathing suits. ‘LOOK! I’m not fat!’ they both practically shout. The guys are wiping out left and right when Teresa and Kathy Wakile decide to try out their surfboard skills. Melissa is staying ashore to “keep it sexy,” which apparently equals bedazzled. Very, very bedazzled. Like blindingly so.

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Well, that didn’t take long, did it?  Yesterday we reported that Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Joe Giudice calls his wife a less than flattering name on the upcoming episode…while he’s on the phone with a woman he refers to as “baby” no less!  While most women would be humiliated to have their husband say such a nasty thing to them–in private OR on national television, Teresa Giudice is doing what she does best.  Denial, baby!

Not that any of us should be at all shocked, right?  Appearing on The Couch talk show, Teresa addresses the public’s perceived issues of her relationship with Juicy Joe.  She explains, “There’s no trouble in our marriage, Joe and I are happily married.  You can’t listen to everything that’s out there.”  Even if it comes from your own husband’s mouth and it’s caught on film?  You don’t even listen then?

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was a pleasant reminder of what this show used to be. You know, when people got along, had fun, and didn’t take every side-eye so seriously they were declaring it a nuclear state of emergency. I mean there was a time when the ladies of RHONJ didn’t spend countless episodes dissecting and cataloging every tabloid edition published in the last year to decipher just how much one said RHONJ hates another said RHONJ.

Oh, yes… that show once existed and I think last night proved it could exist again. Here is my two step plan to eradicating the petty, hateful, and mundane drama on this show: 1) take everyone out of Jersey and give them more to worry about than spray tanning and meatballs 2) Pay them only $1 per season until they agree to get along, act civilized, and go hang out at Chateau kvetching about Danielle Staub. See – not so hard, right?

So the whole gang embarked on a cross-country trek to Napa where the Blk.-meisters were to meet with Vivendi winery for a distribution deal. As Hurricane Irene is raging on the horizon, the packing commences. Everyone feigns concern about leaving their small children at home while they cavort around in the great wild west. Except for Caroline Manzo – she’s bringing her small children with her.

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self magazine event 240712

A lot less of Melissa Gorga was ‘on display’ last night as she and husband Joe Gorga attended the Self Magazine “Rocks The Summer” event at Kiss & Fly in NYC.

Melissa was dressed in an almost-conservative knee length strapless dress as she posed on the red carpet with her angel from God.  Joe looks like he’s going to bust out of that shirt!  He’s obviously still pumping iron on a daily basis.

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All the talk of Teresa Giudice getting a spinoff seems to be unnecessary as the entire plot of Real Housewives of New Jersey revolves around her. For once I don’t believe Teresa is delusional – I mean, everybody is always talking about her, amirite?

Teresa‘s latest Bravo blog addresses former friend turned stalker/nemesis Caroline Manzo‘s crazy comments about Teresa’s marriage and the passive aggressive comments she believes Kathy Wakile made about her cookbook. Hang on, you’re in for a loooong RHONJ post!

“You’d think by now I’d be used to everyone on the show talking about me non-stop every single episode, but I’ll admit I was shocked by Caroline’s comment about my marriage,” Teresa begins.

“Not because I don’t expect her to say nasty things about me and to constantly judge of me — that’s what she does. To quote Audriana‘s favorite movie right now, The Little Mermaid: ‘It’s what she lives for.’ (Caroline does remind me of Ursula, come to think of it…) What shocked me is her hypocrisy.”

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey (brought to us by the Bravo Home Shopping Network) the ladies brought home the bacon while the menfolk sat around the kitchen table gossiping and snarking like old biddies. I applaud the progressive feminist nature of these industrious girls. Except for the one whose husband said he owned her. Yeah, that one needs to take a women’s studies class, stat!

So things begin with Teresa Giudice - or is Joodichee? Our favorite Jersian wordsmith has apparently, once again, forgotten how to pronounce her ever-shifting last name. Teresa’s newest venture is branding herself – I think she should start with having a consistent pronunciation of her own name, but that’s just my suggestion. “Branding” means adding Fabellini to her ever-expanding product repertoire. I swear Teresa makes up these words, Fabulicious, Fabellini, etc because she can’t actually pronounce any real words!

Teresa is in the car with Joe Goodouchée and they are headed to a vineyard, she thinks. Despite the fact that she is now in the wine making business, madame Giuhoochie has no idea where wine comes from or where one goes to taste wine.

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