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AaaahhhCouples Therapy. I was promised a trainwreck and a trainwreck we shall have. Oh goody!

Kelsey Nykole saunters out onto the patio where a slurry Taylor Armstrong and a messy, sloppy Liz and Jon Gosselin are talking. Kelsey drops the bomb that she's never masturbated. 

Liz and Taylor are shocked. "That's part of my repertoire," announces Taylor. Lovely. "I'm an expert," says Liz who decimated Jon in an earlier episode for "beating off". Hypocrite much? 

The next day Liz and Jon have a little gift for Kelsey – it's her very first vibrator! Surprisingly it did not come from Farrah Abraham's line of sex toys. She wasn't passing out goody bags?! Oh but wait – she was forced to make those vaj-molds and videotape herself doing it! Cause we all want a keek of Farrah's crotchal region covered in plaster! I don't know what's a grosser vibrator association: Jon or Farrah

Moving on, Taylor is struggling with parenting. "I don't parent," she slurs at the camera before course correcting to explain she doesn't set boundaries. #FreudianSlip Kennedy comes to the house the next day for some quality time with this woman who people say is her mom. Taylor greets Kennedy with villainous laugh that lasts about 5 minutes. In return, Kennedy shoots Taylor dirty looks that could melt a lip-plant. 

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The season finale of Couples Therapy airs tonight.

Season four has been the highest-rated and most popular season of Couples Therapy thus far thanks to reality TV fans flocking to VH1 to see train wrecks such as RHOBH's Taylor Armstrong, Teen Mom's Farrah Abraham, and Jon & Kate Plus 8's Jon Gosselin. They did not disappoint — but Dr. Jenn Berman definitely did every time she failed to call out Taylor's lies, supported Farrah's delusions, and enabled Jon's anger issues

Speaking of Jon, he scored oodles of air time last week when he claimed Kate Gosselin refused to let him talk to his kids on the phone – and then he called her a "piece of f–king shit" and a "shitty human being" on camera.  I never doubted Jon's story because, um, Kate is a nasty, vindictive person, However, according to an inside source, Jon lied about the phone call.

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Last night on Couples Therapy, Dr. Jenn Berman and Dr. Mike Dow asked the four couples and one lone bird to "let out their past demons" by destroying a house. And the Couples Therapy Award for Disturbing Anger Issues goes to Jon Gosselin. This guy need serious help with anger management. Like, real therapy, not made for reality TV therapy.

From last week, Whitney Mixter and Sada Bettencourt are trying to recover from an intense and emotional argument. They suck at communication, but Whitney has the patience of a saint and recognizes that Sada's nervous about seeing her dad and taking it out on her. 

Whitney says she tries to be sensitive to Sada's needs, but she wishes Sada would speak up if she's missing the mark. Sada says she knows Whitney's not a mind reader. However, she follows that with, but communication is reading your partner's cues and emotions. Oh Sada. Is there any hope for her? On a positive note, she does understand that she projects her issues onto Whitney.

Out of the blue, Farrah Abraham crawls into bed with Taylor Armstrong and John Bluher for a "bed shot" picture. You can take the girl out of the porn, but you can't take the porn out of the girl.  Taylor plays along despite the fact that she hates Farrah's guts. Because, cameras!

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This week on Couples Therapy,  Taylor Armstrong,  Ghostface Killah, Farrah Abraham, and Sada Bettencourt share harrowing tales of childhood trauma with Dr. Jenn Berman. Then Farrah's mom, Debra Danielson, joins Farrah and Dr. Jenn for a bit of therapy. Certainly not nearly enough therapy for either Farrah or Debra. Both of them are beyond broken.

Picking up where we left off, Sada and Taylor talking to Jon Gosselin and Liz Jennetta about how bitchy Liz is to Jon. Surprisingly Liz takes it well and listens to what Sada says and Taylor slurs. 

The next day, Dr. Jenn talks to Jon alone because she feels his relationship is doomed if he doesn't start to demand respect from Liz.  Jon truly believe Liz loves him.  Then, he says he dated a lot of women and felt the best connection with Liz, and I stare at my TV in disbelief.  Who are these women who want to date Jon Gosselin?!? Seriously! Dr. Jenn wishes Jon luck, adding, "You need to come from a place of strength, not a place of woundedness." 

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Last night's Couples Therapy went like - Ghostface Killah went to the booty market,  Kelsey Nykole stayed at home.  Taylor Armstrong had fillers and vodka, Farrah Abraham had fillers and rum. And Jon Gosselin went boo hoo hoo all the way home.  Only, the end is only wishful thinking on my part.  Jon boohooed but never went home.  Because, paycheck.  The dude needs money to pay child support buy hair gel and smokes. 

From last week, Kelsey just stormed out of a therapy session she was sharing with Ghost and Latrice.  So Taylor sniffs out the drama and follows Kelsey because the delusional fruitcake seems to think she's one of the therapists. Dr. Jenn Berman, who isn't much better than Taylor, appears and reminds Kelsey that she doesn't need crumbs of Ghost's love. Kelsey says she's done with him but wants to apologize to Latrice. 

Kelsey doesn't have any reason to apologize, in my opinion, but she has more class and empathy in one of her hair folds than Ghost has in his entire body. She tells Latrice that she wouldn't have let Ghost into her world had she known she was his side piece, adding, "Not sure what Ghost has told you, but we was developing something." A devastated Latrice wonders if she will be able to trust Ghost after this. Huh? Really, girl?  

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Last night on Couples Therapy the brilliant professionalism that is Dr. Jenn Berman explored *gasp* secrets. Secrets soooo big, and soooo deep, and soooo like secrety that the cameras had to be turned off on Farrah Abraham so Farrah could secret in secret. And also scrunch up her face while stage whispering, aka cry. 

Other than that, Ghostface's secret girlfriend Latrice came to the house to discover that Ghost also has a secret girlfriend named Kelsey. In the world of Ghost this is just how he gets his mack on, in the world of the rest of us, Ghost should just give up the ghost and accept that he's a middle-aged man with a midlife crisis. Oh, did I say that out loud? Cause I wish Dr. Jenn would have! Basically what I'm saying here is that last night's Couples Therapy was about one singular sensation who no one would ever date and one menage-a-trois dysfunctional relationship. So like where the couples at?

No one likes Farrah. I mean of course not - she makes condescending snarky comments to everyone, walks around with her fake nose in the air, and acts like it's all their faults she's a liar. Also everyone sees through her. Taylor Armstrong slurs that the "floral skirts with ballet flats aren't fooling me." Exactly how is Taylor getting sloshed every night "therapeutic"? 

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AFRICAN RAINFOREST CONSERVANCY 23rd Annual ARTISTS FOR AFRICA Gala

We're taking a look at what our favorite reality stars have been up to this week with an all new photo roundup post.

Sonja Morgan got glam for a celebrity charity bowling event, Jill Zarin celebrated the Super Bowl, Lisa Vanderpump got gorgeous in green, and Shahs of Sunset star MJ Javid hung out with Chanel Omari from Princesses: Long IslandKim Kardashian grabbed lunch with Kris Jenner, while showing off her midriff again. 

Kyle Richards showed off her flare for fashion, Jon Gosselin (who hates the spotlight so much?) attended a Maxim magazine Super Bowl party, and Stassi Shroeder showed off her chopped locks. 

In the gallery you'll also find Golnesa Gharachedaghi, Joanna Krupa, Farrah Abraham and more!

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Day eight in the Couples Therapy house begins with group therapy with Dr. Jenn Berman. Today's topic is sex. So, naturally, I expect a full hour of sex tape shenanigans featuring Farrah Abraham.  Yeah, not so much.  The next two days of therapy revolve around Sada Bettencourt and Whitney Mixter and Ghostface Killah and Kelsey Nykole. ​

But first, we do hear a little bit from Jon Gosselin and Liz Jannetta, as well as Farrah. Taylor Armstrong is either too sober (and boring) or too traumatized (green towels) to score a speaking part this week. Whatever. Not hearing about Taylor and John's sex life is A-OK with me, especially since we have to revisit last week's drama, Jon masturbating.  On camera.  Like his Plus 8 aren't quite damaged enough already. 

Jon has changed his story. Last week, he was only scratching himself. (not that anyone believed) This week, he was planning a party for one. Kind of like, last month, Jon despised media attention. (not that anyone cared) This month, he's masturbating on VH1. The only constant coming out of Jon Gosselin's mouth – everything is Kate's fault. Forever butthurt, this one. Farrah, too. Literally.

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