The next morning, the ladies discuss the previous night's events, mimosas in hand. While the details of Bonnie and Leslie's blow up are crystal clear, the rest of the night is kind of a blur. Melissa Poe asks, "Did we kiss somebody last night?" Oh yes, she, Connie Dieb, and Cindy Davis most certainly did make out with complete strangers, albeit hot ones. Yay for alcohol!
Melissa explains that nobody went after Leslie the night before, but they're all anxious to hear her spin on side of the story now. The ladies set up camp in the living room and wait for Melissa to bring her downstairs. Turns out – Leslie is nowhere to be found.
Ah, there she is, back in Texas.Thankfully, neither Kalyn Braun nor Tyler has a job, so Leslie knows to look for them by the pool. "You guys are not gonna believe what happened to me," Leslie cries. "Bonnie's turned against me." Leslie adds, "I'm the victim! You'd think she would have been remorseful for what her husband did." Moving on, Kalyn asks forLeslie's permission to date Paul. Leslie is like,the old guy? (Pot, Kettle. Kettle, Pot.) The 28-year-old nerd? Kalyn asks Leslie to at least meet Paul before she passes judgment. Leslie agrees.
Whitney and Booger will wed October 31, 2013. Whitney wants a Halloween wedding, 13 bridesmaids, 13 groomsmen, and a black wedding dress. OK! magazine has the video announcement.
Second – Whitney is pregnant!
Grandma-to-be Bonnie Blossmantweeted: Whitney is 8 weeks pregnant and due July 24. There's no doubt in my mind that Whitney and Booger's baby will come out super cute, tattooed, and pierced. I can hear Bonnie in the delivery room now, "BRANDON!" Booger, "That was all Whitney! I can't stop her!"
A mortified Leslie proceeded to distract her friends with massive amounts of alcohol and the promise of a trip to New Orleans. Despite no Rip, good times were had by all until Bonnie's husband Jason picked a fight with Leslie's son Tyler. And yet another episode ended with an embarrassed Leslie dragging one of her real/borrowed children to the car.
Naturally, the women need new used clothes for their upcoming trip to New Orleans, so they go to Connie Dieb's shop. They're very excited about the trip… Bonnie wants to party on Bourbon Street and Connie and DeAynni practically salivate just thinking about the food. Since Connie always misses the disastrous parties – is she really always busy or purposely keeping away from the drama? – she asks for the lowdown on Leslie's engagement party. Bonnie tells Connie that Tyler disrespected Cindy Davis, Jason stood up for Cindy, Jason threatened to break Tyler's jaw, and Leslie acted crazy.
Connie is like, Well, that's nice…. off to New Orleans where us girls are gonna go wild! I get the impression that Connie couldn't care less about what she misses at these parties… her script simply dictates that she ask for a recap.
Following the party, if Leslie's face could show emotion, she would look bewildered. Leslie doesn't understand why Kalyn got so upset with her mother. Just a guess… perhaps because they're two manipulative drama queens fighting for attention. Kalyn tells Leslie that she got too heated and cannot even remember what set her off, adding, "Everything was just rushing through my head, like all the crap she pulls, and I just went off. I lost it. I couldn't handle it anymore."
Leslie stresses that people can change. Leslie blows my mind with, "Now that you're an adult and you've been baptized, you're looking and viewing life differently." Being baptized does not instantly make one an adult… and, for crying out loud, Kalyn's hair is practically still wet. When did she have time to change her outlook on life? Leslie urges Kalyn to give Terry a chance. Kalyn says the mere thought is exhausting.
Next, DeAynni Hatley brings 15-year-old Shaye to the Big Rich Texas plastic surgeon for Botox. I'll let you digest that statement for a moment and meet you in the next paragraph.
Stop the presses, y'all. Tyler ran 4.2 miles. That's all you need to know about this week's episode of Big Rich Texas. Trust me. The rest pales in comparison to Tyler's awesomeness. Nevertheless, the rest…
Leslie Birkland enters the scene, shoos away her real child (Mommy, I just ran 4.2 miles! No time, Tyler. I just found out your fake sister is a slut, but you already knew that, didn't you.) to talk to Kalyn Braun. Leslie says, "Well, Kalyn, the party was all about you being a slut." Leslie continues and it goes something like this, Boonie Blossman, whose shirts states she's a doctor, educated me about UTIs… in front of everyone… and you, my dear Godaughter, have some complication from being sexually active.
Leslie asks Kalyn, "Do you know to go pee after sex?" Kalyn sees no way to escape the madness, so she fake cries. "Boo hoo hoo, I'm being judged for no reason." Leslie assures Kalyn that she just wants to help her. Leslie tells Kalyn that she is to call her every time she has sex, so she can remind her to pee. That Leslie. She sure does go above and beyond the call of Godmother duty.
Last week on Big Rich Texas, Kalyn Braun got herself fired from the ranch (where she scooped poop) for flirting with the boys and showing too much boob. News traveled quickly around Woodhaven, of course, and Whitney Whatley just couldn't resist the opportunity to call Kalyn a slut at the Texas Diva Reboozing party. Insults were slurred… glass was broken… Kalyn's almost mommy came to her rescue.
Dragging Kalyn to the car,Leslie Birkland demands, "How could you not tell me you got fired?" Kalyn is all like, whatever… all I did was flirt with boys. Tyler quips, "Hopefully just flirting." Kalyn declares, she's had a rough night and wants to stop talking about it. Leslie says, "We'll talk about it when I want to talk about it… and I want to talk about it tomorrow." Hilarious. Way to be all stern and stuff. Leslie informs Kalyn that she's now working with her at Life's A Pageant. I'm not sure if that's a step up or a step down from the ranch.
Bright and early the next day, we learn that Bonnie Blossman hopes her Fiona Frost book series makes her the next J.K. Rowling. The second book of the series is ready, which calls for a party. Bonnie explains, "The main suspects of the book are a teen vampire cult, so I'm having a vampire-themed launch party." Naturally, Bonnie and Whitney shop for costumes for the party. While shopping for vampire gear, Bonnie asks Whitney why she went after Kalyn at the Texas Diva party. The short answer is… Kalyn's a skank.
DeAynni Hatley takes her role as the Big Rich Texas club social chair very seriously. Her latest idea is archery lessons. For good measure, she adds, "Welcome to Texas, Bitches."
Bonnie Blossman and Melissa Poe declare their love for archery and dish about Cindy Davis. Bonnie and Melissa do not understand why Leslie Birkland has become such good friends with Cindy. A few of the daughters, Alex, Shaye, and Maddie, also enjoy the archery lesson. Maddie asks Alex why her mom isn't there. Alex says Cindy is out to lunch with Leslie, adding that her mom wants her to be independent. Shaye pretty much says her mother smothers her. Melissa, Maddie's mom, is a nice middle.
Moving on to Leslie and Cindy's lunch date, Leslie welcomes Cindy to the crazy club. Talking about Cindy and Bonnie's blow up at the BBQ, Cindy thinks Bonnie only lost her cool because someone was talking to her husband. Leslie says that Bonnie once told her she keeps Jason at home as much as possible so no other women can hit on him. Leslie warns Cindy, "Bonnie is going to come after you again." Leslie's couch confessionals (well, her normal conversations, too) drive me nuts. There's something about her voice and scripted lines that irk me.
DeAynni hires a PR company to help her launch Texas Diva Remodeling and Construction. The first order of business… branded cocktails. Of course. The company suggests a logo and launch party, also. DeAynni says, "This Texas Diva launch party is going to be the event of the year." Is it just me or does she say that about every party she organizes?
Reality Tea is new to Big Rich Texas. Actually, so am I, so please be kind. There are way too many blondes and annoying voices to keep all of the characters straight. And they're all either holding or throwing wine glasses. Good thing the Hollywood Exes aren't the "Dallas Exes"… one little glass throwing incident sent those women into a tailspin. Their heads would explode over here.
Tuning in for the first time, I didn't know what to expect. I did not anticipate using "vagina" and "booger" in the recap title, that's for sure. Big Rich Texas sure knows how to keep it classy up in their fancy community. I also did not expect… I freaking love this show… in a trashy reality TV/guilty pleasure sort of way. Thank you, Reality Tea readers, for being so vocal about this hidden gem. My life will never be the same. Coincidentally, neither will my liver, because I have a feeling the Big Rich Texas shenanigans are much more fun to watch when paired with a glass of wine or a flask of vodka. Let's get this party started, shall we?
For season three we have Bonnie Blossman, Leslie Birkland, Melissa Poe, Connie Dieb, DeAynni Hatley, and newcomer Cindy Davis. And, of course, their lovely daughters and borrowed pageant girl. Already this season, the ladies have had a botox party, where Melissa and Leslie fought, a casino party, where Melissa and Leslie fought, and a crab boil, where DeAynni slapped her daughter Shaye Hatley. Apparently, it's not the first time this has happened, either. Also, worth mentioning, Bonnie's daughter Whitney Whatley moved in with her boyfriend Booger and Leslie's been bragging about her never-before-seen billionaire boyfriend Kip.
Episode three starts with Leslie's borrowed pageant girl Kalyn Braun lounging by the pool with Tyler and new-on-the-scene Terry. Terry is a jockey at the ranch where Kalyn dresses like a Texan hooker to shovel horse poop. Maddie obsessively plays with her hair and makes fun of Kalyn's new occupation. Why anyone would leave a cupcake shop for a ranch is beyond me. On the couch, Kalyn says there's one big perk to scooping poop, "On my days off, I get to bring the hot boys to the country club. Job with benefits."