It’s just four days until the fantasy nuptials of the future Mr. and Mrs. Kroy Biermann. As the time runs out, drama amps up…but it’s no longer mama drama on Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding. Jen has become the MOH who is MIA.
Just like with every episode, the show begins with Kim Zolciak talking to the adorbs K.J. She is complaining to him about how lax her matron-of-honor Jen is being, and he is just giggling away in his Spiderman hoodie. Kim can’t dwell on slack attendants for long, she has tent issues to worry about. Severe tent issues that drive her to drink white zinfandel before lunchtime. Kim has visions of covering the pool and and getting hitched under a gazebo which will sit atop the jacuzzi. She never ever ever ever had dreams of a tent in her backyard to shield guests from potential bad weather.
On last night’s Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding, we are (yea!) one week closer to Kim Zolciak’s wedding extravaganza! There is vow writing, there is portable toilet shopping, and there is a potentially faux peace treaty forged between Kim and her wedding-ruining mother.
Can I just say that K.J. is a Kroy Biermann mini-me? I love the premise of Kim talking to him at the start of each show. That skull and crossbones knit cap is just too much!
Kim is wearing a belly baring pleather shirt and meeting up with her Uncle John who apparently lives in my neck of the woods. She starts in on her mother, and John is quick to remind her that she’s about to talk crap about his sister. Kim shares that her mom is threatening to be sick on her wedding day, and John reminds her that she is very particular. Kim’s mom Karen informed John of her threats, and John reveals that his sister is no longer talking to him after he put in his two cents. Wait, did Kim just spit out some gum at the table? John believes that Kim and Karen are too similar, hence the tension. The pair gets teary remembering John’s battle with cancer and how he promised not to leave her until she was married. Kim asks him to accompany her dad in walking her down the aisle. Wow, Kim has a heart on this show!
Alright, I hate to break it to you wonderful readers, but this is going to be a brief-cap. As you well know, Real Housewives of New Jersey premiered last night, and as this was the final segment of the three-part train wreck known as the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion and I think we’ve said all there is to say. So, let’s break down the important parts!
So, is Kandi Burruss a sugar mama? Marlo Hampton seems to think so! And not only that, but she seems to think it’s her business to announce to the world that Kandi’s man lives with her. Well, I mean that’s called being in a committed relationship, you know: getting serious, not paying for sex, moving in together, going on actual dates in public, marriage… But I guess an escort/mistress wouldn’t know that, would she?. Kandi seems to think telling people her man drives a Range Rover proves she’s not a sugar mama. Kandi, yeah, labels don’t mean anything – just ask Marlo!
Marlo apparently earns money from all her haters. They take up a We Hate Marlo collection and just give it to her to fund her “labels”? So – can you guys do that for me? I need some new clothes – preferably ones made by Louwee VooTAWN.
So, Cynthia Bailey spoke after Andy Cohen slipped her a note telling her to fire up those vocal chords or get fired! Apparently, no one can get over the fact that Cynthia acts differently with a friend than she does with her co-workers and acquaintances. Much to do was made over the fact that Cynthia changes her spots for stripes when she leaves the giraffes for the zebras. Well, I really don’t think it’s that odd to act differently around people you know well, but I guess that’s why I’m not on a reality show. Personally, I don’t find Cynthia to be fake or confrontational with anyone. Nevertheless, Cynthia leaps right on into a screaming match with Kim Zolciak about how fake she supposedly is and how as soon as she gets near NeNe Leakesshe grows a pair of ovaries.
Proving that she speaks her mind, Cynthia calls Kim out on being a mistress! Cause, you know, it is what it is… Kim claims that Big Poppa was legally separated and you can date when you are separated. Except, Big Poppa is STILL not divorced – that’s the part she conveniently left out!
Cynthia, Marlo, and Kandi have distracting hair, that was probably not the best choice for the given environment. They keep flipping it over their shoulders and playing with it while trying to scream at people.
Marlo said she made it rain in South Africa because she knew She by SheBroke needed some money. Kandi snarked that she collected all those wasted bills to give to her man. Burn!
Sheree‘s greatest arguments are revisited. Who gon’ check me boo reigns supreme in my mind. Kim’s wigs have really um… gotten much more voluminous, haven’t they? And much tackier and trashier. First season they looked cute-ish, albeit a little cheap and matted. Now they look well… really fake and super cheap. What happened? Too much microwaving. Apparently, Kim and Sheree’s friendship has managed to survive call girl comments and wig pulls, because they are genuine and Sheree has never hit below the belt. Never really hit below the belt? If my friend called me a “call girl” on national TV, I would be preeeetty furious.
Kim informs us that despite what she told us, NeNe doesn’t have a penis. Whew! Good think she cleared that up!
Andy is still desperate for NeNe and Kim to be BFF again and return this show to its former splendor. Look, Andy – we all want that, but they are both too egotistical and it’s not gonna work out. Sorry. NeNe and Kim discuss their friendship for the umpteenth time. Both ladies are happy in their respective lives and are supportive of each other. Humbleness still eludes NeNe.
NeNe reveals that she brought Sheree and Kim to the attention of the producers and apparently NeNe convinced producers to hire Sheree because they initially thought she was too boring. And apparently, NeNe is willing to help Sheree out again – but unfortunately she is playing for the wrong team. Nothing like a little blackmail! <> And here come the rumors that NeNe got She by SheFired, well, fired!
And that’s it! We’re done with another season of RHOA!
THOUGHTS ON THE FINAL PART OF THE REUNION? ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT NEXT SEASON OR ARE YOU OVER THIS SHOW? WHO WILL QUIT FIRST: NENE OR KIM?
Really, we could skip all the other parts and go straight to that, because it’s the only part that really truly matters. It went a little like this: Marlo walks out, rocking pin-straight hair and a dress with shoulders constructed from a bathmat (Project Runway challenge?). She sat down, said no one liked her once she became friends with NeNe Leakes, copped to her charges, denied having her bills paid by Mr. Ted Turner, confirmed she still had a lot of work to do learning etiquette, and then she came out with it. Kim, you’re a whore! Apparently this was in response to something Kim said on the show about Marlo being an escort (which is all but proven fact at this point) with a large ladyhole. All class, no trash!
Frankly, I couldn’t believe it. Marlo just came out and said it – ‘Oh, I think we’re cut from the same cloth… you know, cheap polyester, maybe nylon – oh, wait no… No, we’re not. I’m cut from 10-ply cashmere and you – you’re a whore. You’re just some cheap acrylic. Google my charges! Cause prison uniforms are totally made from luxurious fibers.’
Marlo had it all planned out – she was practically reading a script NeNe had written for her and handily printed up on Gucci stationary; except I really don’t think NeNe was involved in this – nor Bravo, for once – I think Marlo acted as the lone honey badger. Vicious, crazy, and totally entertaining in a sadistic way. That being said – she needs to leave the show. And really, really study that etiquette manual. Like, non-stop. And Kim should be her study partner.
So, Marlo prances out and somehow gets into a screaming fight with Kim about who’s a whore and who’s an escort. It turns out that now that Kim is married, she’s neither a whore nor an escort and that whole Big Poppa charade never happened. Seriously- anytime anyone brings it up she points to her ring and says she’s a married woman now. Ok, but like Marlo said, she used to be a home-wrecking harlot flaunting it on TV and loving every minute of it; waving that big ol’ rock around! So she was basically a whore, but really Marlo: Pot meet Kettle.
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So, last night was the first segment of the so-called “epic” Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. I have to admit, reunions are so hard to recap, because really I can barely decipher what the women are talking about and I usually have to watch on closed captioning; A) because there’s too much screaming and B) because I can never grasp the she said-from-she said through the screaming – particularly where NeNe Leakes is involved. That being said, NeNe’s slamming of Sheree Whitfieldwas epic indeed! The theme of last night’s show-down was apparently “finances,” specifically who has them and who doesn’t. And does Sheree really have several storage units full of furniture or did she steal that storyline from Kim?
Before we start recapping anything, let’s discuss my personal most shocking moment of last night’s spectacle. Sheree Whitfield of She by Shebroke announced that She by Sheree—her failed clothing experiment, that consisted of a fashion show with no clothes and the owing of $30,000 to Dwight Eubanks for photocopies—is staging a revival. As in, She by Sheree is not dead, but merely on hiatus and we can expect more where that came from. Is she serious? She by Sheree?! As in, worse clothes than Alexis Couture! As in, NO ONE ON THIS EARTH is buying them. Ok, now that I got that off my chest, let’s commence with this recap, shall we…
Last night opened with a fight to end all fights: do former strippers have the right to be disgusted by dildos? Are all former strippers supposed to be ok with the usage and discussion of dildos, ding-a-lings, and vajayjays? Are these women really and truly adults or is this a ruse Andy Cohen is attempting to fool us with before bringing out the real adult women?
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Well, I knew this was going to be a lackluster season of Real Housewives of Atlanta when Bravo didn’t even bother to redo the infamous intros. And I was right. The season finale served us vibrators, gifts galore, and really nothing much–but it’s all over but the crying, aka the reunion; which is where the good stuff usually happens anyway.
Things started out with Cynthia Bailey and NeNe Leakes furniture shopping; which quickly turned into therapy replete with a sofa long enough for even NeNe to lay down on. NeNe is looking for a sectional–and a second chance at love as she announces that she’s made her decision and is going through with her divorce. Maybe it wasn’t a storyline attempt to get a spin-off after all?
NeNe announces the end of her marriage is like a death–perhaps she can employ Phunerals by Phaedra for a burial service worth dying for! I see trumpets, top hats, and horse-drawn carriages in store for your marriage license, former Mrs. Leakes. NeNe knows Gregg will continue to be a wonderful father and friend–but sadly he must cease to remain a booty call.
And onto more TMI. Kandi Burruss receives her boxes of Bedroom Kandi products. Here comes Happiness and Joy. I’m scared… She and her Xscape days acidwash micro-mini (holy ’80s) get right to Skype-ing Suki about the new products. Kandi is planning a launch party and she wants to create an evening of pleasure for women. It will feature massages, hot men, and sex toys. I’m pretty sure that’s also called the AVN awards, but anyway.
Kandi lets us know she has been testing the wares and they are so successful at getting their point across, she hasn’t even gotten to vibrate to the music. Suki then announces the “clit-stick” is ready–and it’s waterproof. Kandi proves her freak number is a straight ten when she mentions she could take it on an airplane and no one would know she’s having a pleasure party in her pants. Remind me never to fly first class out of Atlanta for fear of sitting next to Ms. Mile High Self-Rub.
Moving on, Cynthia is also testing out her new products by hosting the first ever Bailey Agency Modeling search. It’s pretty much a low-budget, generic ANTM without Nigel Barker, The J‘s, or Tyra‘s spirited and impassioned speechesl. Lame. Cynthia excitedly finds a few girls which will get free entrance into her school of modeling. There she’ll them the art of being oblivious and how to marry a Papa Smurf all their own. Peter, who is coordinating everything in absence of Mal, shocks the pants off me when he actually stays for the whole event! Is this a new Peter? Turning over a new leaf? Good for him!
Kandi is also sampling models as she scouts attractive men to take off their shirts and administer massages at the Bedroom Kandi launch. Phaedra Parks and She by Shefired are assisting her with the arduous task of examining attractive men and sexually harassing them. Bravo loves them some rowdy women with raunchy senses of humor, don’t they? Phaedra is, of course, up to the task of examining donkey booties and suggests the men wear Speedos for the main event. Shockingly Kandi vetos that and it’s decided the men will wear pants with a lining to prevent any sort of protruding elements. Everybody knows the lining makes all the difference….
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