On Vanderpump Rules last night Jax Taylor decided that, for once, he was gonna work the rumor-mill to his favor, and play a game of telephone with the story of Katie Maloney “motorboating the crotch region of a gentleman.” Yes, I just typed that. And yes, that is a direct quote. And yes, we will be using that phrase many more times through this recap. You’ve been warned!
Jax is recovering from his nose job, and as he deals with the debilitating pain of a deviated septum he realizes there’s been just one person who hasn’t reached out, who hasn’t checked in on his recovery: Katie. He broods over muddled ginger at the SUR bar, and every time he feels the bandage tape creating friction across his oily pores, his anger increases just a little bit: it goes from beer, to wine, to whiskey, finally distilling into pure moonshine. And then he snaps: how dare she! How dare Katie not only ignore him in his time of need, but how dare she choose Stassi Schroeder‘s side over his. And even worse, how dare she attempt to keep Tom 2 away from him, dammit! Besides, Tom 2 wants to be away from Katie – not Jax.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules it was the the Grownups VS. Real Grownups. The latter, a cult led by Stassi Schroeder. Immediately upon entering your fashion IQ drops at least 20 points. On the other hand, the Grownups is led by Scheana Marie Almost Famous and you basically need to be brain-dead (or Jax Taylor) to gain entry at all. But they are friendship tattoos!
Straddling the middle is Tom Schwartz. He so badly wants to be a Grownup, but Katie Maloney has him trapped in an invisible net – no one believes him when he reports himself as missing and kidnapped to the police.
Here’s what Grownups do: they have panic attacks at their bartending job and flee the scene, sobbing. Here’s what Real Grownups do: they sit in a corner hate-watching a group of people and passive-aggressively snarking on them behind-their-backs, but never actually say anything to their faces. You know, kind of what I do while I watch this show! The grownup is real, the grownup struggle is realer.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules, some people could not move on. There they were, frozen in time, unable to let go, as they swam through the Cocktail Of Denial.™ Somehow I think that should be SUR’s signature drink.
Oh Lisa Vanderpump – so kind, so forgiving, so understanding… WHY?! Stop That! Do not let them grovel in their Jax Taylor knitwear, bearing letters they begged their mothers to write in elegant calligraphy – you fired that Sangria-theiving James Kennedy, now stick to it! In the reoccurring theme of SUR, no one who is fired stays fired. Kinda like no one that has broken up stays separated for long. Case in point, Kristen Doute groveling to Tom Sandoval over a cable box and some ratty old clothes she got from Stassi Schroeder‘s goodwill box labeled: The Thin Days (Stassi looks great – I’m only joking about her referring to her “love pounds”).
Vanderpump Rules loves a to dismantle a good (OK, horrible, no good, very bad) relationship, and this season will finally give Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz the opportunity to let their love be called into question. Oh goody! But first Katie questions whether or not James Kennedy is with Kristen for the right reasons… is it TV he loves, or Kristen Doute?!
Katie is hoping Tom 2 will propose, but Tom 2 seems to have a different agenda! And lucky for them, they’re not escaping the rumor mill that is Kristen SUR!
“There are some pretty scandalous rumors that begin to surface surrounding Tom and myself so that really sends us on a bit of a roller coaster,” Katie admits. “Our relationship was really, really tested this summer.”
Oh Vanderpump Rules never fails to disappoint does it!? And last night Peter Madrigal was allll riled up, which is HOTTT times a million. I digress. The important things were that in the battle of the girly-men, Tom Sandoval got his false eyelashes ripped off and his delicate constitution bruised, and James Kennedy got his size 23 skinny jeans protected by Kristen Doute, who was punching the beglitter out of Tom 1. Pent up rage, anyone?
Tom Schwartz, well he tried in vain (“vain” being the operative word) to break things up, but OMG – his hair! His pearly, flawless skin! His modeling career.
Our favorite reality TV stars cannot get enough of the spotlight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to social media to share even more of their daily lives with us. And we love them for it! Here’s a roundup of some of our favorite photos from this week. Enjoy!
Vanderpump Rules has returned for the third season and while everyone insists the dynamic has changed, it sure doesn’t seem that way! Not. A. One of these people can get over their exes, no one can trust Jax Taylor, and Stassi Schroeder is in a new relationship that may be doing her wrong. One thing is different however – Lisa Vanderpump finally had to fire someone! And despite all the fighting, everyone can agree that none of this crazy is scripted – they’re all just truly that authentically insane!
Of course Lisa is thrilled by the “Fantastic!” new season (helllllloooo ratings!) “I’m very happy with it!” Lisa exclaims. However, someone didn’t recover from causing so much chaos. “One is missing now,” Lisa admits. “You’ll see how that plays out…,” Lisa quips to Access Hollywood. My bets are on Kristen Doute, of course! Or possibly Jax...
Speaking of which, Jax claims he’s happy for Stassi and has move on, but then slams her relationship to new boyfriend Patrick. “I don’t think she’s happy,” Jax reveals. “I think she’s really confused. I think she’s in a relationship that’s toxic right now.”
Remember how last season on Vanderpump Rules everyone busted Kristen Doute‘s thongbutt for cheating on Tom 1? Well this season she’s accusing him of cheating on new girlfriend Ariana Madix. I dunno kids – it seems kinda transparent to me, like Kristen just wants Tom 1 all to herself and back in her thong-th-thong-thong-thong! (In case you’re wondering why I keep bringing up thongs, it’s cause Bravo gave us a lovely shot of Kristen’s thong butt).
This season everyone on VPR has undergone metamorphosis after the insane betrayals and they’ve grown. Except for Kristen. She’s stayed the same. Well, maybe she’s grown more crazy – we’ll wait on assessing that.
Kristen is supposedly madly in love with 22-year-old Baby Einstein (Slowstein? He ain’t sharp) DJ James Kennedy, who is trying awfully hard to get some attention on this here TeeVee thingy. First he tried to be besties with Tom 1, but when that didn’t get his pale, pastiness on camera, he decided screwing the desperate and maligned Kristen would have to suffice. Other than famewhoring, James enjoys BeamerSelfies. We’ll get to that later. So anyway, everyone has learned. Everyone has grown.