Ugh… I need to lie down immediately after writing this. Seriously – I feel faint and I feel disrespectful even addressing this malarkey.
The first bit of news is not Kanye West's fault, save for the fact that it's totally believable given all the nonsense and highfalutin comparisons he's spouting. A self-described "Global Global Satirical Newspaper of Record" called The Daily Currant published a spam article claiming that Kanye referred to himself as the next Nelson Mandela.
The quote, falsely attributed to Kanye, read, “Mandela was working in South Africa, which has, like what, six people? I started my magic here in the USA and then I took my business global. I liberate minds with my music. That’s more important than liberating a few people from apartheid or whatever.”
Bruce is reportedly being seduced with a multi-million dollar tell-all deal which will blow the lid off the Keeping Up With The Kardashians empire and expose all the dastardly deeds of pimpmama KJ. But before all that he's signed onto play a Kris-esque character in The Hungover Games! The movie is a spoof of blockbuster hits The Hunger Games and The Hangover and Bruce will play the part of a futuristic sports announcer alongside Hank Baskett.
I would be concerned about Bruce's acting ability but he's been acting like he loves Kris for years, so… Anyway, you can catch a trailer of the of the film below. In it Bruce wears a wig that mocks his wife's idiosyncratic hairstyle and some atrocious lipstick that is probably Kroma Beauty!
Just when I thought pimp momager Kris Jenner couldn't get any worse, she posts the above picture of herself on Instagram (captioned "Date Night"–gag) sporting tween duck face and dining with Francine from the PBS cartoon Arthur. On the heels of the tabloids covers touting a not-so-secret romance between the icky reality star and former BachelorBen Flannel, er, I mean Flajnik.
And what does poor estranged husband Bruce Jenner think of all this messiness? For his sake, I hope he realizes that life is far better out of Kris' klutches. I wonder if he ever gets the itch to spill what he knows about loyal and doting wife. We all know if the tables were turned, she'd do it in a heartbeat!
I can only say "bless his heart" so many times before I stop meaning it. I think I probably stopped meaning it about twenty "blesses" ago when it comes to Kanye West. The man's ego is out of control. I'd really like to sit down with him for just fifteen minutes to see if he really is as painfully egotistical as he seems. He could style me. I'd wear a crystal mask and report back the truth. It's an open invitation, 'Ye. You can even bring Marilyn MonroeKim Kardashian. No, no, don't bring her. Regardless, call me!
The tiny rapper has been especially douchetastic this week, throwing a temper tantrum on stage at a Florida concert and commissioning what I'm sure he considers to be the next, no make that the first and best, Mona Lisa. I'm sorry DaVinci, but Andy Warhol's niece? She's got the best painting of all time. Of all time! Bless his heart.
The Christmas card was shot by famed photographer David LaChapelle. The photo is interesting and would've been unique in a magazine, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the holidays at all? Dollar signs, tabloids strewn about, Bruce trapped in a tube. It's so Christmassy and holiday-like, right? I'm sure Kanye would tell me I'm clearly not fancy enough to get the deep meaning of it all.
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I always assumed Kim Kardashian's new blonde hair was in an attempt to look like Beyonce, but nope – turns out that's not the right blonde icon. Because according to Kanye West, Kim is the new Marilyn Monroe. I really just cannot even dignify that with a comment except to burst out laughing. This is your brain on egotrip, kids!
Speaking to Chicago's Power 105 Radio, Kanye continued to spout off in yet another insanity-laced rant. I mean it's bad enough he tried to say Kim is better than Michelle Obama (she's not), but now he's comparing his creativity to that of Disney innovator Walt Disney. “I’m more like, a Walt Disney or something.”