Y'all realize that, no matter what, the Kardashians aren't going anywhere any time soon. That said, don't shoot the messenger! Actually, today's Kardashian trash is at least humorous enough to provide some sort of entertainment.
Here's a quick breakdown: Kim Kardashian doesn't want to still be married to Kris Humphries when she gives birth (but there is quite a catch!), and Kim and Kanye West maintain that Kimye, Jr. will not be a part of E!'s fall line-up. Again, I'll believe that when I see it! Finally, the youngKendall Jennerdoesn't want to follow in her family's famewhoring footsteps. Sure.
It's official! Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are moving in together. Unfortunately for us, the house is on this planet. Despite my best efforts to convince Sir Richard Branson, he refuses to offer them a free space flight and leave them stranded on the moon. I really tried to pull some strings. Sorry.
As you all can imagine, the tiny rapper and his poorly dressed lady love (I have to remind y'all of this. Seriously?) aren't just moving into any house. To paraphrase a drunk Kanye, I'm gonna let you talk, but this is the best house of all time. For realsies.
It's all about the Benjamins with those Kardashian girls, isn't it? Well, hopefully they haven't peeved the wrong tabloid, because word on the mean streets of media is that Us Weekly isn't happy with their frequent kash kows for keeping the publication out of the loop about Kimye, Junior's existence.
Instead the magazine was stuck with a "Kardashian exclusive" about Kourtney's post-baby weight loss while the Internet was buzzing about Kanye West's baby mama announcement. It seems that no one cares about Kourtney's flat belly when her sister Kim has a bun in the oven. Sorry, Kourt!
You could feel the collective intake of air when society as a whole learned the news that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would be bringing a mini-Kimye into the world. If you were quiet enough, you could probably hear the dollar signs ka-chinging in Kris Jenner's eyeballs. Oh, the spin-offs! The elaborate and totally ridiculously expensive baby gifts (the child will need his or her own private jet)! The publicity! The magazine covers! Did I mention the spin-offs? How are we ever going to continue Keeping Up with theKardashians if they are constantly multiplying?
Kim and Kanye's khild is already internationally famous and the kid hasn't even been born yet. However, being famous for being conceived is far better than one his or her mother is famous for, right? Let's face it…the world had the same fearful reaction for the unborn child's fate when Jersey Shore's tequila-soaked, slipper-wearing, fist-pumping, underwear-forgetting meatball, and that situation (no pun intended) seems to be working out wonderfully. Snooki has truly taken to motherhood, and most people would likely agree that it seems to have changed her for the better. I'm hoping the same for Kim and wish her and tiny rapper my congratulations.
Give me a break. The X Factor needs to quietly into that good night. Is anyone still watching? If you are, will you still be watching if the Kardashians over take the show? L.A. Reid has already thrown in the towel once this season draws to a close, and rumors abound that Britney Spears will be getting fired for causing viewers to fall asleep while she's talking. It's clearly run its course.
Of course, Simon Cowell isn't willing to face facts. Instead, he's trying to salvage the American version of the talent show with an influx of new judges. Unfortunately for Simon, he's dipping into a pool of celebrities who won't likely take the bait. Oh wait, he wants Kim Kardashian. She'll do it…and she know a lot about music, right?
Sit back and relax. Let's delve into the X Factor's latest drama and then segue into some additional Kim K. drama. Is she preggers? Has she pressured brother Rob to go under the knife? These, my friends, are burning questions!
According to the rumor mill, Kourtney is still refusing to make things official with the father of her two children. Seeing as both Kim and Khloe Kardashian offered up million dollar nuptials in the name of ratings, one would think that Kourtney would be on board with using her walk down the aisle to attract viewers. She's not. It looks like Kris may need to find a quick beau for younger daughters Kylie and Kendall if Kourtney isn't willing to use her relationship to spearhead the finale! Gah!
Everyday Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' star Lisa Vanderpump gives me a reason to love her even more. I'll be honest, I wasn't on board with Lisa in earlier seasons. It's not that I didn't like her, it's just that I was indifferent towards her. Oh, how times have changed!
This season's Lisa is every bit as stylish and classy as she's been the past two seasons, but it's awesome to see her forming opinions and standing up for her friends. Yes, she's brash and brutally honest, but she's also (in my opinion) totally genuine and grounded. Not to mention, I love her wardrobe, her precious son-in-law, and the romance that is still totally alive between her and Ken Todd. You just can't fake that kind of relationship. She's real…and she could buy and sell me a thousand times over!
Not only has Lisa gained a spin-off (can't wait!) due to her RHOBH popularity, but she's also getting outside deals. First up? She's judging the Miss Universe pageant alongside Kourtney Kardashian's beau Scott Disick. Did I mention that she's nothing if not honest?
My good gracious! Another Kardashian post so close to Christmas? I must be on the naughty list this year. I'll be honest, I'd rather receive a lump of coal than to have to pontificate on this fake family during the holidays. I do it for you, dear readers. You mean more to me than my disdain for this crowd. Isn't that what Christmas is all about? You're welcome.
In today's news, Kris Jenner is trying to maintain her now faux marriage to husband Bruce despite a ridiculous amount of divorce rumors circulating in the media. Also, sources are claiming that Nick Cannon was also a victim of Kim Kardashian's infamous sex tape. I can't wait to hear the chain of information that led him to this conclusion!
Finally, Bruce is opening up to the media about his ties to Newtown, Connecticut and the Sandy Hook murders. While typing that makes me want to vomit (let this community grieve without reality television intervention!), it's what he's talking about now. I used to like you, Bruce, but I've lost all respect if you're trying to maintain relevancy in light of this horrific event. Sidebar, and this has nothing to do with this blog, but from here on out (sorry for the soapbox) will we please refer to the Sandy Hook shootings as a mass murder and the man that took those innocent lives (I won't give his name more credence here) as a murderer? I read a compelling article the other day that noted in school shootings the public regresses to words like "shooter" and "victims" instead of using "murderer" and "slain" or "dead" in these types of tragedies. If someone killed a gas station attendant, we'd call it a murder, why don't we say that now? Off my soapbox and onto the Kardashian kraziness. I taught first grade for several years, so I am a tad raw at the moment…as no doubt you are.
Moving along (so, so sorry for the rant!), Kris is determined to make sure that her failing marriage doesn't drown the empire she's created around her children (notice I don't say the empire created FOR her children). What won't this woman do?