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Kendra Wilkinson

Kendra Wilkinson, author of the new memoir Being Kendra: Cribs, Cocktails, & Getting My Sexy Back and star of Kendra is speaking out about her devastating struggle with postpartum depression so severe it took over her life, nearly destroying her marriage.

In a new exclusive interview with In Touch Weekly, Kendra reveals her harrowing two-year secret breakdown. “I felt devastated, helpless – like I was in a black hole,” Kendra explains of her violent moodswings and a depression so intense it led her to lock herself in the closet to “scream and cry.” Her feelings of isolation and hopelessness reached such dark levels “I even thought of harming myself. I just threatened [suicide] a lot.”.

She admits that during her darkest days she had deep doubts about her marriage, believing: “Hank deserved better than me,” and disclosing, “Hank and I slept in separate bedrooms.”

Kendra believes her depression, which she has battled off and on since adolescence, was triggered following a move to Indiana for husband, Hank Baskett’s NFL career, while subsequently adjusting to a new baby and the filming of her reality show. Feeling compelled to act normal, she “put on a brave face for the cameras,” but was breaking inside behind closed doors, causing her to take things out on Hank, her extended family, and even crew members.

“There were times when I knew I was about to snap. I’d be like, ‘Hank, go! Go away!’ I didn’t feel right. Hank would take the baby, and leave the room,” Kendra recounts. Though she started most of their fights, causing them to argue so much “she feared their marriage was over,” Kendra couldn’t control her anger “at both Hank and herself.”

“I was just mean,” Kendra states, depicting the rages she would fly into; blaming her husband for “their unstable home life” and threatening to leave him, taking Baby Hank, if he didn’t find a steady job. Kendra remembers that her “nagging got so bad” Hank experienced a panic attack and blacked out!

At the root of her fury, was a deep emotional anguish causing her to isolate herself from her husband: “There was no way I could talk about what I was feeling because I didn’t know what it was. So we just had to stay apart.” Despite the turmoil in her relationship, it was her self-loathing that was the most troubling. “I was crying and screaming all night,” she recounts. “I wanted to hide from everyone. I felt like no one understood.” Regardless of her attempts to convey her “self-destructive thoughts”, Hank wasn’t getting it: “He’s not a therapist.”

Contributing to her negative self-thoughts, was the celeb culture where famous mommies brag about losing the baby weight mere weeks after giving birth. Kendra felt hopeless about the clinging pounds nine-months following the birth of her son, despite her attempts to diet and exercise, and she developed poor body image. Her lack of confidence led to further isolation and depression as she avoided her “hotter” friends.  Kendra confides that she felt so ugly “she would brush her teeth in pitch-dark, ‘so I wouldn’t have to look at myself in the mirror.’”

Realizing she needed help, Kendra ultimately sought therapy; not wanting to repeat the damaging behavior of her teenage years, which included cutting, hospitalization for depression, and two self-harming attempts. She credits her two-year-old son as her reason to enter therapy, “Baby Hank really made me stop, step back and realize, ‘If I don’t stop acting like this, he’s going to pick up on it.’ “

Now months following those dark days, she looks back on those times, describing: “I can say that it was a real breakdown that I had.”  She is thankful she chose a healthy solution to her depression, revealing: “I can’t be selfish anymore,” for the sake of her son and her husband, who she recognizes need her in their lives.

Today, Kendra happily acknowledges she is still working on her recovery “I’ve learned that I need therapy because I’m not 100 percent better,” but she insists: “I’m going to live my life happy.”

Being Kendra hits stores on September 20th.  The fourth season of Kendra premiers September 25th on E! at 11/10c.

Thoughts on Kendra’s story and her battle with postpartum depression? Are you impressed that she is open with fans about this harrowing time in her life? Will you be reading her book?

Almost two years after having her baby, E! reality star Kendra Wilkinson is now opening up about her battle with Postpartum Depression and just how bad things got.

According to the Playboy Playmate, she actually contemplated suicide at some points and also considered leaving her husband Hank Baskett.

Kendra, 26, makes the shocking revelations in her new book Being Kendra: Cribs, Cocktails, and Getting My Sexy Back, which is slated to be released on Sept. 20, 2011.

According to the Hollywood Life blog, Kendra went through screaming matches with Hank to self-confidence issues to mood swings. In fact, she even got so jealous of her nanny at one point that she fired her, wanting to take on all of her mommy duties herself.

But Kendra didn’t hit rock bottom until she became so emotionally detached from her husband and their son Hank Jr. that she actually started to contemplate suicide. Kendra however reveals she was able to fight through those thoughts, adding that she would never actually do something to hurt herself or her family.

In addition to her new book, the fourth season of her E! show Kendra is also slated to premiere Sep. 25.

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON KENDRA’S CONFESSIONS? WILL YOU BE BUYING HER BOOK?

A week after Playmate Crystal Harris trashed her 2-year relationship with Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, one of Hef’s exes is now coming to his defense.

Hef’s former girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson says Crystal, 25, is “trash” for talking about her sex life with Hef, 86, stating it only lasted “two seconds.” Kendra states, “She just needs to keep her mouth shut, and be classy about it.”

Kendra continues, “After the whole non-marriage thing broke to the news, I actually thought she was being classy about things, until she started opening her mouth about the bed stuff. She just totally made herself look like crap. She looks like trash. I mean, it’s disgusting. She needs to keep her mouth shut, and be a bigger person. Walk away. People don’t like that. People don’t like a hypocrite. She’s a hypocrite.”

Oddly enough, Kendra also found herself in hot water over some comments she made about Hef in her autobiography Sliding Into Home. She however feels Crystal’s comments went way too far.

“Her situation is a lot more harsh,” Kendra, 26, told PEOPLE. “She was about to get married to him. I would have never agreed to get married to him.”

Kendra, who stated in her book that she would sneak out of the Playboy mansion to go see her now husband Hank Baskett, makes it clear her situation was a lot different from Crystal’s. “We both knew our place,” Kendra says of her relationship with Hef. “He knew that we were friends. I knew that we were friends. But to [plan to] get married and then be a backstabber to someone like that – to take it to that level and then go and backstab, that’s, like, cruel, you know?”

Crystal has since issued an apology for her comments following publish backlash.

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON KENDRA’S COMMENTS? DO YOU AGREE?

Well that was quick! Just days after being dumped by runaway bride Crystal Harris, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is moving on… with Crystal’s BFF.

According to a TMZ report, Hef, 85, has been getting cozy with Anna Sophia Berglund (pictured top left), who just happens to be a Playboy Playmate. Anna, 25, was Miss January 2011.

Sources reveal things have gotten serious between Hef and Anna, who has now moved into his room. In fact, Hef and Anna have taken to calling each other “babe” around other people, and during a recent movie night at the Playboy Mansion, the two were seen cuddling and kissing during the entire movie.

A source states, “It’s clear Hef has moved on to Anna.” Even worse, Anna is said to have been Crystal’s BFF in the Playboy Mansion.

And speaking of Crystal, she visited the Playboy Mansion on Sunday to return her $90,000 engagement ring. But to Crystal’s surprise, Hef actually decided to let her keep the 3 carat diamond sparkler.

“It was the right thing to do,” said Crystal to RadarOnline about her decision to return the ring. As for Hef, he seems to be doing better as he recently tweeted, “After all is said & done, staying single is probably the best. I think I just missed a bullet.” Ouch.

Meanwhile, it appears the Lifetime network is moving forward with their 2-hour special on Crystal and Hef. As we reported, the network was scheduled to air a special about the wedding titled Marrying Hef. However since the cancellation of the wedding, the show will likely move in a different direction.

RadarOnline is stating both Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson filmed scenes last week during their visit to the mansion, and it’s safe to assume Crystal’s Sunday visit was also filmed. No word yet on when the show will air.

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON HEF’S QUICK REBOUND? SHOULD HE HAVE TAKEN BACK CRYSTAL’S RING? WILL YOU WATCH THE LIFETIME SPECIAL?

While she failed to win the mirror ball trophy this season on Dancing With The Stars, do not feel sorry for Kendra Wilkinson as she still greatly benefited from being on the show!

In an interview with UsWeekly this week, Kendra, 25, shares some TMI details with us when she admits her sultry moves on the dance floor have left a lasting impression on her hubby Hank Baskett.

“Right after the [team] dance tonight we walked over to Hank and he said, ‘Honey! I didn’t know you could do the splits!’” Kendra’s pro partner, Louis van Amstel told UsWeekly.

Kendra adds that her new flexibility has come in handy in the bedroom. “It’s definitely great,” said Kendra of the impact DWTS has had on her and Hank’s sex life. “If you come to my trailer after this you may see it moving back and forth. I’m definitely bringing the splits into the bedroom!”

Allrighty. And following her elimination on Tuesday, Kendra revealed that her future plans are to try and have another baby. “We have so much love to give,” said Kendra, mother of 1-year-old son Hank Jr. “We’re just loving baby Hank so much. We’re raising him well, teaching him everything he needs to be taught. But yeah, I really feel like it’s naturally time for another one soon. I really do.”

The Playboy alum added, “We’re practicing for No. 2. Why not? Just one more would be great. And I wouldn’t mind having No. 2…soon!”

As for being voted off DWTS, Kendra admits she’s glad she doesn’t have to worry about the grueling dance rehearsals or watching her diet anymore. Kendra reveals her mother’s day plan is to have an elegant “barbecue” and “relax a little bit.”

Following Monday night’s performances on Dancing With The Stars, three of the fan favorites found themselves in the bottom of the scoreboard. Kirstie Alley, Kendra Wilkinson, and Romeo all got the lowest scores coming into elimination night. So did one of them get the boot?

That answer is yes. After 7 weeks of not so great performances, Kendra’s luck ran out as she was sent packing in a somewhat surprising elimination. Oddly enough, Kendra fared better than Kirstie and Romeo in scores, scoring a total of 61 in comparison to their scores of 60 apiece. Also surprising was the fact that Chelsea Kane, who has fared well all season, landed in the bottom three with Kendra and Kirstie.

“Some flowers bloom early, some flowers bloom late, and you’ve been a late blossoming girl,” said judge Len Goodman to Kendra. “The last few weeks you’ve really come on.”

“I’ve lasted seven weeks, which is seven weeks longer than I ever thought I would last,” said Kendra who then went on to thank her partner Louis van Amstel. “I want to thank Louis for sticking with me and not fighting me.”

“Baby Hank, I’m coming home for you!” added Kendra, 25. “I may not the best dancer, but I am the best mom.” With Kendra’s elimination, five contestants remain.

TELL US – WAS IT KENDRA’S TIME TO GO? WHO SHOULD GO HOME NEXT?

After being declared the early on favorite to win Dancing With The Stars well before the show premiered, Kendra Wilkinson has failed to impress the judges on the show.

Having been repeatedly criticized for her lack of elegance and well, all around lack of coordination, it seems Kendra has had it!

In an interview following Tuesday’s results show, Kendra took special offense to judge Carrie Ann Inaba’s comments about her lack of elegance. “We have our own definition,” said Kendra. “Elegance is what [my husband] Hank [Baskett] sees, not what Carrie Ann sees. That’s what I care about.”

Kendra then admits she felt “like giving up” following Carrie Ann’s comments. “Another woman telling me about elegance eats away at my ego,” she said. “I’m a huge Carrie Ann fan, and she’s [usually] so sweet, but that one comment – I felt belittled at that moment and embarrassed.” Wowzers. A new episode of DWTS airs tonight on ABC at 8/7c.

In other DWTS/American Idol news, the NY Post is reporting today that ousted AI contestant Pia Toscano, who is now more popular than ever thanks to her early departure on the show, forgot to break up with her boyfriend of 4 years Carlos Nunez before going on a first date with DWTS pro Mark Ballas.

A mutual friend of the couple tells the Post, “It seems inevitable to anyone with eyes. They hadn’t spoken as often as you’d think once she made the final 12. She kind of played a disappearing act.”

The friend reveals that problems in the relationship became more obvious when Carlos flew to Los Angeles to see Pia’s first ‘Idol’ performance but she could only find a “couple of hours” to be with him.

It gets even better as Carlos was reportedly with Pia’s family the day of her shocking elimination from Idol and even comforted her weeping family as they watched the telecast. The very next day, Pia and Mark were seen going on their first date.

Just two weeks ago, Carlos told the Post he was “confident” in his relationship with Pia. “We’ve been together for a long time. We have a strong foundation. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be,” said Carlos.

As for Pia, she had the following response on twitter to a fan who kept tweeting nasty comments to her about the NY Post story. “Please don’t post this garbage on my page.. And you my friend are the dumb one for believing it! Good day,” tweeted Pia.

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON KENDRA’S COMMENTS & THE NYPOST STORY ABOUT PIA? WAS CARRIE ANN INABA’S COMMENT TOO HARSH?

It was classical night on Dancing With The Stars Monday as the stars had to groove to classical music courtesy of a 46-piece orchestra.

The dances of the night were the paso doble, waltz or Viennese waltz. And with a few weeks into the show, it seems the top spot continues to be up for grabs as a new star led the leaderboard for the 3rd consecutive week.

In her taped package, Disney starlet Chelsea Kane made it clear she wanted to break away from the rest of the pack and that she did. Chelsea got the highest score of the night, a 26 for her “beautiful” Viennese Waltz with partner Mark Ballas. “It was magical, fabulous, beautiful and bewitching,” said Bruno, “and technically speaking, it was the best dance of the night.”

Coming close to Chelsea’s score were Hines Ward and Ralph Macchio, both earning a score of 25 for their dances. Hines continued to emerge as an early favorite with his explosive paso doble. “You’re really doing great,” said Len. Also earning rave reviews from the judges was Ralph, who also danced the Viennese Waltz.

Kirstie Alley continued to fall to the bottom of the pack despite getting a solid score of 22 for her elegant waltz which earned her a standing ovation. Kirstie, who complained of a hip injury, suffered another mishap for the second week in a row when her shoe came off during a dance move. Kirstie still managed to receive praises from the judges. “You didn’t miss a beat,” said Carrie Ann with Bruno adding she did “amazingly well.”

Kendra Wilkinson continued to disappoint after being declared the favorite to win the show before the premiere. With a score of 18 for her messy Viennese waltz, Kendra is at the bottom of the scoreboard, in serious danger of going home tonight.

The scores from last night below:

Chelsea Kane & Mark Ballas: 26
Hines Ward & Kym Johnson: 25
Ralph Macchio & Karina Smirnoff: 25
Chris Jericho & Cheryl Burke: 23
Petra Nemcova & Dmitry Chaplin: 23
Romeo & Chelsie Hightower: 23
Kirstie Alley & Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 22
Sugar Ray Leonard & Anna Trebunskaya: 21
Kendra Wilkinson & Louis Van Amstel: 18

TELL US – WHO IS GETTING THE BOOT TONIGHT? IS IT KENDRA’S TIME TO GO?

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