Another day, another math conundrum in the realm of the Kardashians. Kim Kardashian is helping us train our brains with some weighty word problems. The Keeping up with the Kardashians star, who is preggers with Kanye West's baby (duh!), is slyly revealing just how many pounds she's gained. Using terms like "only half" and "60 pounds off," she is causing my brain to fry with the computations.
When she's not making the public subtract and divide, she's being coy about Kimye Jr.'s potential moniker and how she wishes she had some junk food cravings. Pregnancy is the one time that she has the excuse to eat whatever she wants, but all the baby seems to desire is rabbit food. Poor Kim just kan't katch a break!
Kim, Kimminy, Kim, Kimminy, Kim, Kim, Kah-ree…if Kim needs a chimney sweep, out of luck is he! Why? Because he won't know which multi-million dollar Bel-Air mansion to go to for his chimney services. More on that in a bit. In the meantime, let's chat about Kim Kardashian is living beneath her means…for once.
Oh, and P.S., Kim doesn't want your mommy advice. She is quite capable of taking care of the tiny rapper's baby without you telling her how to live and what soft cheeses to avoid. Seriously. She hasn't listened to the countless people who have asked her to fade into obscurity, why would she want to hear from fans who think she needs to fly less and eat more greens? Please, as if y'all want to give Kim and Kanye West parenting advice…like it would help.
Y'all realize that, no matter what, the Kardashians aren't going anywhere any time soon. That said, don't shoot the messenger! Actually, today's Kardashian trash is at least humorous enough to provide some sort of entertainment.
Here's a quick breakdown: Kim Kardashian doesn't want to still be married to Kris Humphries when she gives birth (but there is quite a catch!), and Kim and Kanye West maintain that Kimye, Jr. will not be a part of E!'s fall line-up. Again, I'll believe that when I see it! Finally, the youngKendall Jennerdoesn't want to follow in her family's famewhoring footsteps. Sure.
It's all about the Benjamins with those Kardashian girls, isn't it? Well, hopefully they haven't peeved the wrong tabloid, because word on the mean streets of media is that Us Weekly isn't happy with their frequent kash kows for keeping the publication out of the loop about Kimye, Junior's existence.
Instead the magazine was stuck with a "Kardashian exclusive" about Kourtney's post-baby weight loss while the Internet was buzzing about Kanye West's baby mama announcement. It seems that no one cares about Kourtney's flat belly when her sister Kim has a bun in the oven. Sorry, Kourt!
Oh, Kim Kardashian, you saucy minx! Okay, so I don't find her at all saucy or minx-ish, but I've always wanted to say that. In today's Kimye news, there is some funny stuff. Not only is having Kanye West's baby while still married to Kris Humphries causing some problems (we all predicted that, right?), but it seems that no one wants to pay Kim to lose her baby weight. Tragic!
Unlike Jessica Simpson, Kim may not be scoring a weight loss deal to shed the massive amount of pounds she's sure to pack on during her pregnancy. I'm also hoping that, unlike Jessica's two year gestation, Kim's baby will pop out after nine months so we don't have to be on pregnancy watch for the next year and a half.
As if Kim Kardashian andKanye Westprocreating wasn't enough, now there is even more disturbing news. I don't even know how one correlates with the other, but perhaps if I type it quickly, it can get out of my head equally as fast. Or not. There are just some things you can't unread.
Here goes nothing! So, now that Kimye is having an aby-bay, ales-say for her ex-say ape-tay have gone through the roof. Seriously? Nothing says "congrats on the bun in your oven" like purchasing a video of the mom engaged in some nasty, nasty sexy times. Nothing people do surprises me anymore.
You could feel the collective intake of air when society as a whole learned the news that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would be bringing a mini-Kimye into the world. If you were quiet enough, you could probably hear the dollar signs ka-chinging in Kris Jenner's eyeballs. Oh, the spin-offs! The elaborate and totally ridiculously expensive baby gifts (the child will need his or her own private jet)! The publicity! The magazine covers! Did I mention the spin-offs? How are we ever going to continue Keeping Up with theKardashians if they are constantly multiplying?
Kim and Kanye's khild is already internationally famous and the kid hasn't even been born yet. However, being famous for being conceived is far better than one his or her mother is famous for, right? Let's face it…the world had the same fearful reaction for the unborn child's fate when Jersey Shore's tequila-soaked, slipper-wearing, fist-pumping, underwear-forgetting meatball, and that situation (no pun intended) seems to be working out wonderfully. Snooki has truly taken to motherhood, and most people would likely agree that it seems to have changed her for the better. I'm hoping the same for Kim and wish her and tiny rapper my congratulations.
After two failed marriages and one failed “career” Kim Kardashian is regrouping. The woman who was planning to get off birth control mere months ago is now no longer interested in something so time consuming and selfless as motherhood or marriage, as she has other things to do – like work out! Hey, she’s only got a few years before her most valuable assets really start to go south – and we know she’s not going to be relying on any personality points to pull her through!
Kimmie Kakes appeared on the most recent cover of Allure Magazine (in what I’m sure is going to be their worst selling issue to date, because what is alluring about Kim?), decked out in a bikini bottom and rope for a “shipwrecked” theme. Personally, I think she looked a little more Walking Dead than shipwrecked, which is ironic given that she has the personality of a zombie!
In the accompanying interview, Kimmie talked life post divorce round two and claims her third marriage won’t be televised because no one is willing to donate promotional items or buy any photos this time. Kim says her most recent matrimonial mistake, “definitely made me want to be more private with my relationship, whenever I choose to get into one again.”
“When I saw Khloé [Kardashian]and Lamar [Odom] get married—and they had their wedding on TV—I thought, Oh, my gosh, that’s so exciting! That’s what I want! If you were to ask me now, that’s not what I want,” she expects us to believe.
Kim claims watching the demise of her marriage on Kourtney and Kim Take New York was difficult. “Is it tough to watch [the show]? Yeah. Tough to see an unhappy time in your life,” she describes. “Will I be more private of a person? Am I more guarded? Absolutely,” Kim says of lessons learned. “But, also, I’m a firm believer that my show is who I am.”
As for dating, Kim reveals,”I’m not ready, but when that time comes, I’ll be more cautious about who I let my world open up to.” Kim denies dating anyone despite being recently spotted having lunch with Reggie Bush.
Another thing Kimmie isn’t ready to contemplate? Having babies, despite what she’s been saying for years. Apparently she had some sort of a reality check about how self-absorbed she is. “Do I want kids of my own? Absolutely,” she explains. “But I don’t know if that’s what’s meant for me. Maybe I’ll just work, work, work, and not think about it.…I think I have a couple more years when I just want my body to myself. At 35, I promise I’ll consider it.” Yeah, maybe work on having a real relationship first.
“Khloé joked with me and said, ‘Will you be my surrogate?’,” Kim discloses. Which is somewhat sad. I hope Khloe is able to conceive!
Moving on to what I like to call sweet poetic justice, Kris Humprhries is mad–suing mad–and he is not about to let any man get ensnared in the Kardashian famewhore trap again! Previous reports have stated Kris wants to take Kim to court to publicly expose their fraudulent marriage AND he wants to sue her for refusing to return several hundred thousand dollars worth of wedding gifts.
Now a new report from Life & Style claims he is also suing pimpmomager Kris Jenner because she failed to represent his interests equally, citing breach of fiduciary duty! If you recall, shortly after Kim and Kris tied the knot he hired his mother-in-law as his manager, but that relationship ended when Kim filed for divorce.
During her brief stint as his manager, Kris believes Kris J gave Kim preferential treatment when she was supposed to be brokering deals for the newlyweds as a couple. Instead of marketing them equally, Kris was focusing most of her energy on Kim – who is the family cashcow! “When you have two clients, they’re supposed to be treated equally,” an insider explains. “It was a conflict of interest.”
Kris’ attorney, Lee Hutton reveals their strategy, “We’re going to let litigation take its course. We plan to fully pursue all legal options.” Oh, Kardashians – you reap what you sow!
Finally, since Kimmie is still very single, the thirty-one-year-old recently vacationed alone, save for the paparazzi who photographed her ambling along the beach lost in thought. Well, at least that’s how she hopes she looks!
Apparently the impending court case exposing all her shams is really starting to stress Kim out! “Kim feels like she’s trapped in a nightmare that just won’t end,” a friend of hers shares. “Every time she thinks things are getting better, something awful happens and she goes back into a pit of depression.” A photo of Kim single and in a bikini is below!
THOUGHTS ON KIM’S INTERVIEW? IS SHE BEING HONEST OR JUST TELLING THE PUBLIC WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR? DOES KRIS HAVE A RIGHT TO SUE KRIS OR IS HE JUST BEING SPITEFUL?
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON TO SEE PHOTOS FROM KIM’S ALLURE SHOOT!