So where do we begin with this mess of a show that is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? It was just a blur of white noise. Splits Richards decided there hadn't been enough drama as of late so she decided to host her annual White Party. I mean screw P Diddy and Cannes, this is THE event of the season. Bust out your white swim suit cover-ups, get ready to twirl your hair round your head like a helicopter (one of these days Kyle is going to take off!), and then go threaten to sue your friends! Open bar on the left.
In other happenings,Kim Richards got a nose job. I mean, what else has she got to do? Kim's nose job – not big news in the real BH, I imagine, but in the RHOBH it's cause for celebration. And why not? Kim has never entertained anyone not even us on this show so perhaps it's time for her to do some party hosting. Isn't that what these broads do with their spare time when they're not hiring lawyers because their girlfriends talk shit about them?
So anyway, Kim's having a re-done nose party (I hope she got a ton of cards that said: 'Congratulations on your re-done nose!'). She has this sweet little coffee bar set up and she's rocking a Mrs. Roper mumu as she swans around the pool. It was all very seventies. I've noticed a lot of what Splits and Kim do is circa seventies (hello… THE White Party, y'all!).
Speaking of Splits, she shows up towing along two adorable little girls and one orangey blob in a scarecrow wig. Yeah, Faye Resnick was there, but by the blessed gods of Bravo she barely spoke and stayed mainly off camera. Perhaps they wanted to keep the party focused on decent plastic surgery.
After Lisa recently shared, “She’s not a friend of mine and I wouldn’t [have] invited her,” Faye wants to extend her extra long fifteen minutesset the record straight. Speaking to Wetpaint, she whines, “I was asked exactly the same way the rest of the cast was to Lisa’s tea. Lisa knew I was coming, which is why there was a place setting for me and for Kim [Richards]. She acted like I ran in and stole Kim’s seat. That’s not true at all.”
Well if ever there was a reason to recklessly abandon tea and convert to coffee, last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was it! Does tea just bring out the worst behavior in everyone – or is that wine? Or is it actually just that 3/4 of the people on this show are hideous specimens of humanity?
So Lisa Vanderpump tried to make amends last night. She took all her fancy British etiquette and tried to apply it to unscrupulous famewhores. Logic fail! She began with Splits Richards, whom Lisa had always believed to be a fun person, a friend, but underneath all Kyle's layers of caftans and hair lie a woman possessed. Possessed with the desire to be important and relevant – and most importantly famous. Enter Reality TV.
Then Lisa tried with Adrienne Maloof who was let out of the cryogenic freezer before her face fully thawed to socialize with the ladies. Adrienne's equally unappealing friend (and Kyle's Doppelganger) Faye Resnick was also hauled out for the unappetizing occasion. More on that thoughtless and repulsive decision later.
We all know that Bravo manufactures story lines, so I guess I shouldn't be too shocked to learn that now it's manufacturing faces, too. After all, that is the gossip surrounding a certain Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' star…
Kim Richards doesn't mingle often with the her counterparts as she works to maintain her sobriety, and many viewers find her story line boring. What better way to spice it up than to put her in a situation that would cause viewers to be concerned about the possibility of her falling off the wagon? Well played, Bravo. Well played. Oh, and by the way, thanks for paying…
Last night while watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I came to an important realization. I now understand why these women never eat and how they manage to stay so thin. If every time you sat down at a dinner table a massive fight broke out wouldn't you have dinner-induced trauma and be reduced to guzzling wine instead? They probably all go home and stuff microwaved popcorn in their faces while standing over the kitchen sink and ruminating about the days before they sold their souls to Bravo. But hey – at least those size 2s fit!
Yesterday's episode was more of the same. Same arguments, same players, same storyline, same snarky recapper wanting to hurl things at the screen. It started out OK, as it always seems to, but then quickly degenerated into the congealed, fetid remains of last night's dinner. Even Yolanda Foster was reduced to drinking tequila.
Most of the girls were in Vegas watching in awe as Brandi Glanville's legs twined around a stripper pole and slid gracefully to the floor. "Welcome to Night School For Girls!" she announced popping up with 3/4 of her boob also popping out. Splits Richards makes an important mental note to have Mauricio hypnotized into thinking Brandi is a revolting, wretched, shit-stirring drama queen again. He must not fall under her spell!
Well one thing is certain – Brandi forced Adrienne to fess up to the rent-a-uterus. And she gave Adrienne a storyline for the first time ever. Way to go Adrienne – you're finally semi-relevant!
While that is all fine and good, Adrienne is holding firm in her accusations that Brandi ruined her family and destroyed her children's innocence. Oh Adrienne – give it a rest already. I agree with Brandi you claimed their father was abusing you and your children in the media – and that is much worse!
Last night marked a lot of positives for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. One those being that there was absolutely no Taylor Armstrong drunken drama to report. And the ladies went to Las Vegas and GOT. ALONG! *gasp* Of course, being that this is Bravo and they like to traumatize and put us through undue emotional strain, there were also some drawbacks. Namely she whose face melts like a crayon left in the sun. Versions 1 & 2!
Things begin with Yolanda Foster, her fridge, her lemonpalooza, and her Hermes belt hosting an anti-aging conference. Yolanda explains that scary plastic surgery zombies who pump their faces full of toxins need to accept that aging is natural and that moving one's face is too. I think we just discovered why Yolanda doesn't like Adrienne Maloof or Faye Resnick - she doesn't agree with their "grooming" habits or the fact that even while crying, screaming, and attempting to smile their faces look like blobs of dough with eye and nose holes.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not believe Mrs. Foster4.0 is immune to the needle of 'tox. That forehead is awfully smooth for a woman of her age. I don't believe lemons are solely responsible for her refined pores. Do you?
Is anyone else out there totally over the Adrienne Maloof/Brandi Glanville drama on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? I don't even mind Brandi so much, and I definitely don't think that she should have aired Adrienne's dirty laundry, but I also have to wonder…who goes to such great lengths to keep that a secret? I'm just baffled.
I'm also tired of Kyle Richards trying to win back fans (ain't happen' Splits!) by playing nice. She's going to get a rash if she refrains from pot stirring for any length of time. That said, I applaud her efforts to play nice and straddle the fence (those splits come in handy!), but I don't buy any of her behavior as being sincere.
We'll start with the most disingenuous of this week's Bravo blogs, and we'll end with a candid and sincere interview with Kim Richards about her sobriety. Let's get started, shall we?