The ladies start off the last leg of their Tour de Denial at the flower market. Earlier, while they were biking through the city Lisa Vanderpump saw a friend of her son Max. Brandi got to chatting… and other things… with said 23-year-old – lo and behold he asked her on a date, after spending the night with her. Are we sure they weren’t biking through the Red Light district? Isn’t dating your former bestie-turned-enemy-turned-stalking/slapping-recipient’s son’s friend a little, I dunno… Lifetime Movie creepy? I mean I can just picture Sela Ward playing the role of LVP.
Brandi, wearing a Fred Flintstone costume, recounts to Kim about “play slapping” Lisa. Kim laughs that uptight Lisa can’t take a joke – like that one time super sober champion soberling Kim joked about Harry doing evil, awful things and Lisa Rinna having evil, awful secrets… does Harry keep a people-eating troll in the basement?!
Just because Lisa Rinna‘s lips (and the words that may pass through them) are fake, doesn’t mean everything about her is! Yes, she may have tried to pretend her terrible altercation with Kim Richards never happened, but it was because she just wanted to get through the worst Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills trip ever and return safely to US soil. Do ya’ blame the lady?!
Describing her long strange trip in Amsterdam as, “the weirdest f—-ing thing ever,” Lisa admits after the first night she entered into survival mode. “This entire episode was a roller coaster of emotions and, quite frankly, non-emotions,” she explains. “After what happened the first night in AmsterDAMN, I became severely AmsterDAMAGED, and as you can see, I was basically navigating my way around in a walking coma.”
It wasn’t Lisa’s intention to be insincere or ignore reality, she just wanted to avoid anymore issues. “Out of desperation to keep my last ounces of sanity in tact, I made a decision in that moment to move on.”
Kyle Richards is opening up about her “weight struggle,” which I presume led to a lifelong kaftan addiction? As a result of finally getting skinny the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills star is hawking diet meals – and cutting out the wine? For the calories of course, because dieting and drinking don’t mix. Could that be the title of Brandi Glanville‘s next book?!
Lamenting that she’s always been plagued by excess pounds, Kyle complains about her curves. “I’m not someone who can eat whatever. I’ve always battled my weight,” Kyle admits. “I’m much curvier than my sisters. It’s always been my Achilles heel. The struggle is real!”
Luckily, Kyle has found a solution in the form of Artisan Bistro, which has alleviated the need for Kyle to have a personal chef at dinner parties. Instead she can serve the “organic, non-GMO, low-calorie frozen meals!” Screw SUR, here’s a microwaveable quinoa salad.
We’re all still reeling from that slap heard ’round Holland on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Amster-damn straight no one should ever lay a finger on the fabulous Lisa Vanderpump, even if it was supposed to be a joke! Can I be honest for just a moment though? While it was stupid and tacky and rude and childish, had it been anyone other than Brandi Glanville, everyone would probably find it funny. I’m no Brandi fan, but it seems like if you’re talking and joking about slapping each other, there is potential for a legen–wait for it–dary round of Slapsgiving. Sure, you could argue that no one besides Brandi would ever behave in that manner…and you’d be right. That said, Kyle Richards barely mentions it her recap of this week’s episode because she’s confused as to how Lisa Rinna and sister Kim Richards went from screaming and glass shattering to shopping buddies in the blink of an eye.
Kyle begins, “We pick up in Amsterdam where we left off last week. I had decided to just stay clear of Brandi, because we had enough problems so far and I knew the possibilities that awaited me if I were to continue engaging with her. The next day I went to visit Yolanda [Foster] in her room. While I appreciated her wanting me to fix things with Kim, it just is not that simple. It’s difficult to get advice from someone who really doesn’t have the complete story. Frankly, I wanted to try to enjoy my time in beautiful Amsterdam and I knew that trying to fix things on this trip was impossible. This ‘fight’ isn’t an isolated incident. There is way too much baggage to explain to someone that is not family. I think it’s hard for someone like Yolanda to understand not just wanting to ‘patch’ things up, because she and her brother have a fun, easy going relationship. They are very fortunate. That doesn’t mean Kim and I don’t love each other. I love my sister very much and wish things were different. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to take a step back.”
Our favorite reality TV stars cannot get enough of the spotlight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to social media to share even more of their lives with us. And we would not have it any other way. Here’s a roundup of some of our favorite snapshots and selfies from this week. Enjoy.
Above: Gretchen Rossi shared, “Such a fun night with these beauties Leyla Milani and Asifa Mirza walking in the @pedramcouture fashion show! Thank you to @dressyourface for my amaze makeup and @henryzador for my fabulous hair last night! #Couture #Fashion #OverTheTopGlam #Bling #BigHair #GetGlamwithGretchen”
First, the problem with Brandi: Brandi takes everything too far – jokes, glasses of wine, involvement in other’s family matters. But when called out, she doesn’t own it – she projects outward, blaming, making baseless accusations; then is shocked when karma pays her retribution. Yes, Brandi is an unhappy, wounded woman who lacks self-esteem, but at what point – like say when you’re mid-40s and jacking up your face, your friendships, and your career beyond salvation – is it time to take ownership?
Instead, Brandi changes her friends, her addresses… Sadly, now that she and Kim have found each other all hell has broken loose – literally. I think poor Amsterdam needs to get the US Embassy to intervene! Visas revoked, bitches. And yank Yolanda Foster‘s too as payback – then make David pay a hefty fine to reinstate her access.
Kim accused Harry of having dark and terrible secrets that Lisa wouldn’t want exposed, Harry probably wouldn’t want them exposed either – if he knew what they were! (Is Kim confusing Harry with Aaron Echols from my all-time favorite show ever Veronica Mars?)
Accomplished actors have to be complete chameleons in order to to suspend reality for the audience and portray their characters. We don’t watch Rosemund Pike pretending to be Amy Dunne in Gone Girl….we are drawn into watching the craziness that is Amy unfold on our screens. To be honest, it was hard to come up with that analogy…one, while I am not opposed to a Ben Affleck full-frontal, I have yet to see Gone Girl (couldn’t put down the book though!), and two, all the Oscar nominated performances I watched this season were stories about real people, not characters. I didn’t want to sound trite or callous by comparing an actor to the true person he or she portrayed. So a Rosemund Pike/Gone Girl example it is! It’s a tough job, y’all.
Why am I even talking about actors and their craft? Well, because of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, of course! Actors must become storytellers, and I sometimes forget that Kim Richards, before she was the mess we see on Bravo, was quite the actress. I so wanted to be her on Escape to Witch Mountain, and I’m not ashamed to say that I own the entire Magnum, PI series on DVD. Kim is an actor and a storyteller, and she told one doozie of a story on this week’s RHOBH!