Ahhh… Real Housewives of Bevelry Hills: where totally untrue in every way cheating rumors never die. Oh! And famous people get to block traffic and redecorate the sidewalk just for being famous.
Over at Kyle Richards' Faye Resnick-fied castle of tchotchke, she's upset because she has to clean up alllllll the dog poop like every day, despite a plethora of brightly colored postage notes decorating the cabinetry advising people otherwise. Poor Kyle – nobody listens to her! Nobody cares! Nobody cares what Kyle wants!
And what does Kyle want? Attention and caftans. Preferably together. Since Kyle presumably has nothing else to talk about but cheating rumors that are totally NOT TRUE and that she totally wants to DISAPPEAR, she and Mauricio sit down to discuss said cheating rumors and how untrue and absolutely ludicrous they are.
Yolanda says she was excited about circus school and saw it as an opportunity to have fun and deal with unresolved issues within the group. "I strongly believe that a lot of problems in this group would disappear if we started to talk to each other rather than about each other," she cites.
Well, if it isn't news from the original sex tape to reality star queen herself? Or was it the other way around…reality star to sex tape? To be honest, it's been so long since Paris Hilton has been a fixture in the tabloid circuit, I can't even remember. These days her aunts Kyle and Kim Richards are more prominent in reality television gossip than the once over-exposed (in more ways than one!) heiress…although we all know how much Kyle loves to name-drop her niece at any given opportunity.
Not that I'm complaining about Paris' hiatus. Hats off to her for knowing when enough was getting to be enough. Too bad her former bestie Kim Kardashian kan't take the hint. Now Paris is once again answering questions about her leaked sexcape aptly named "One Night In Paris." Porn names are so clever.
"8th grade drama sounds the same 30 years later," Kyle tells Mauricio. You know it! Time for all y'all ladies to take a little Alice In Wonderland pill and grow the EFF up!
Things begin with Brandi and Carlton Gebbia shopping at Trashy Lingerie. Ahem. Brandi and Carlton verbally molest each other and gush about much they love beautiful women in an innuendo-laden crapfest. But neither of them are lesbians or something.
Brandi is buying lingerie for her non-relationship and wants to bury a crystal to evoke new love. How about bury the past? Not talking about your ex constantly might help welcome someone new into your life!
Beginning her Bravo blog,Carlton writes, "I met Brandi [Glanville], Kim [Richards],Joyce [Giraud] and Kyle with smiles honestly hoping that we (Kyle, Joyce, and I) had just got off to an unfortunate start. I was happy to see Brandi, as she was another I immediately clicked with. She's completely uncensored, and I appreciated her humor when we first met at the BHCC. But what's impressive is how after divorce she has been able to take care of herself financially."
Quickly, her tirade against Kyle begins, and it's oh-so-hilarious! Carlton shares, "Anyway we barely had walked into the barroom when immediately Kyle asks if I was raised Catholic? Oh bloody hell here we go! Maybe it's me, but when I'm welcomed into the home of someone I'm relatively new to meeting, religion is not usually the first question I lead with..it was a probable indication as to how the rest of the day would go with this one…Oh joy."
Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills battle lines were drawn in the mythical sand using witches wands and Louboutins. Did I mention the witches were also wearing Louboutins, because yeah… Beverly Hills and all that.
So Brandi Glanville invites us all over to her bathroom to watch her take a bath while the editors blurred over her ladybits. Jennifer Gimenez stopped by because doesn't one always entertain while they're naked?! They talk boys; Brandi and JR's relationship isn't going anywhere and Jennifer thinks he needs dumping.
Brandi goes on a date with JR where she confronts him about not ordering a drink first and oh yeah – taking a couples trip to Texas without 1/2 of his coupling. That half being her! Apparently JR was with all his friends, who are couples, but he didn't want to bring Brandi.
JR is pretty unapologetic about the whole thing and it triggers Brandi's "trust issues" since in case you have been living in a black hole or on Mars and weren't aware, Brandi was cheated on you guys. She was like SO cheated on and like she needs to discuss it forever and ever and ever and ever because she apparently doesn't have anything else going on besides Botox and drinking.
Last night things were starting to settle in on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Everything that is except Carlton Gebbia who really cannot f–king deal with anyone and is over everything. Oh and Brandi Glanville's face – that's not settling either. She better watch it or she'll be turning into her arch-nemesis Adrienne Maloof!
Unfortunately the show began on a sour note. Poor Yolanda Foster is bravely taking us through her health journey battling Lyme Disease, which sounds horrible. I am seriously never going into the woods again. No, No, No!
Lemanda is undergoing surgery to remove a tube that sends antibiotics straight to her bloodstream and to celebrate she's doing a master cleanse instead of having a drink. I will never understand – pass me the alcohol! Gawd, do I sound like Brandi. #EpicFail. Even Yolanda's housekeeper is master cleansing and dividing all the lemonstrocity juice into a million Fuji bottles. Lemon does know how bad that is for the environment, right?