Last night on The Brandi Glanville Show – formerly the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Brandi bragged about making out with a 23-year-old meathead mover, stalked her on-again and off-again boyfriend J.R., and apologized to Adrienne Maloof for her offensive mouth letting Lisa Vanderpump force her to say mean things. Seriously Bravo? Where, oh where, is Eileen Davidson?? I need way more Beverly Hills and way less Beverly Hillbillies.
Brandi took to her blog to explain the situation with J.R, gush over the only two people on the show who still tolerate her, Yolanda Foster and Kim Richards, seethe with jealousy over Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump‘s riches, and pat herself on the back for apologizing to Adrienne after two years. Did Apollo Nida write a how-to book about Real Housewives apologies?
Brandi Glanville apologized to Adrienne Maloof for surrogate-gate, because she doesn’t want it to be “awkward” when they run into each other. Uh-huh. We all know Brandi’s ulterior motive is that she needs to get to Adrienne before Lisa Vanderpump gets to her! This apology, where Brandi subtly attempted to drop hints to Adrienne that she was working on Lisa’s behalf, was another attempt of Brandi’s to join the chess team. Listen honey – stick to checkers.
Somewhere in the murky wilds between last season of RHOBH and this one, Brandi and Kim Richards became friends. Necessity is the mother of invention so the two people no one else wants to be friends with get stuck with each other. At least there were wigs!
Last night we welcomed Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 5! Yay! Although some things have changed – LISA RINNA IS HERE! – many things have stayed the same. Lisa Vanderpump is still fabulous and everyone is blaming her for being so, while pretending they are SO OVER that Lisa is able to get away with being snooty, snippy, and a little dismissive because she’s fun and glamorous, and pink – like a pussy!
Also, staying the same, although looking a bit more, shall we say, tweaked – is Brandi Glanville! Brandi’s face is ’bout to freeze in the the sour lemon sneer if she don’t shape up, because she is getting more bitter by the second. Brandi wants everyone to forget that she led last season’s mutiny against Lisa – correction: she wants Lisa to forget, but she also wants Lisa to accept that it was her fault that Brandi was forced to do it.
Things I realize about Brandi: she just can’t be happy, she doesn’t want to grow-up. She must have drama, and she’s only all about the truth and people owning up when it’s about other people.
Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is back, but before we welcome the new, let’s recap the old! In season 4 the cast tried to tackle issues of betrayal, religion, and race mixed with diamonds, rosé and glamorous vacations. It didn’t work.
They also tried to drastically alter the status quo by staging a coup against Lisa Vanderpump. That also didn’t work. But it did teach us a very important lesson about intergalactic geography: Brandi Glanville is an alien invader from Planet Trash! That explains everything…
Last season introduced us to one-failure-wonders, Carlton Gebbia and Joyce Giraud (or shall we call her Hoyce, depending on how much we’ve had to drink?). Carlton made her storyline about how she was the living embodiment of all the bored middle-aged ladies yearning for their husbands to become Christian Grey, but instead they got stuck with Mr. Green who is working his boring job to pay for boob jobs, instead of tying them up with twist-ties and beating them with bananas atop the Etruscan marble breakfast nook while the maid vacuums in the background. Carlton decided to prove that a gal can have both by building a parents playroom (with the help of her icky nanny) and taking her MIL to the Hustler store for bikinis.
While I welcome them with open arms, I am surprised they joined the show, as they’ve both been blessed with long successful careers. Lisa is no stranger to reality TV, having appeared on Celebrity Apprentice, Dancing with the Stars, and Harry Loves Lisa, but she dissed the thought of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills more than once in the past. So why did Lisa change her mind?
So, where was Brandi? In Australia! And why would Brandi be in Australia the week her reality show premieres, thus skipping the premiere party? Is it because she does not get along with any of her castmates?
Kyle Richards posted a series of photos on twitter and instagram, that show even ‘extra’ Camille Grammer was present. Kyle also posted a ‘cast photo’ of the ladies, in which she tagged the entire cast – except Brandi! “The #RHOBH girls #season5.” Nor did anyone tweet a ‘missing Brandi at the season 5 premiere party’ type comment!
Kim Richards clearly does not keep her dog Kingsley on a tight leash! Last week he bit Kyle Richards‘ daughter Alexia, requiring two surgeries. But this is not the first time Kingsley has bitten – he attacked 4 (FOUR!) other people besides Alexia, including a close friend of Kim’s. And Kim is now being sued as a result!
In a statement, Kim said Alexia went into a room where Kingsley was secluded, after being warned, and the dog attacked. Kay Rozario, Kim’s friend whom she refers to as a “second mother” was savagely bitten by Kingsley in March. While they were in Kim’s bedroom, Kay reached over the bed and Kingsley bit through her hand to the bone! He then went for her face, which Kay blocked with her raised arm, which was also injured!
According to Kay the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills star’s first reaction was, “Please don’t tell anyone. I’ll lose my show.” Cause, priorities! Then Rambles crouched over a trashcan and prayed that all of this would be thrown away in the garbage!
Kim Richards is speaking out in an official statement released this afternoon via her rep. Kim wants to explain the circumstances surrounding Kingsley’s attack on her niece, Alexia Umansky, aka Kyle Richards’daughter.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star shares, “First off let me start by saying the safety and welfare of my family means the world to me. I love Alexia like she is my own child and have been in constant contact with my sister Kyle and niece Alexia. The events that lead up to Kingsley biting Alexia resulted from the girls entering my bedroom after I already told them my room was off limits. Alexia has been away from college for months and hasn’t seen Kingsley in a long time. Kingsley is used to the home being full of children and since the kids have gone away, the house has become quiet. While the two have been very close and friendly in the past, the dog has become very protective of me in the meantime. When guests are over Kinglsey stays in my bedroom and has been given access to a special fenced in area in my backyard. Anyone entering the house is made aware that the dog should not be bothered. ”