Kimberly Spradlin

I hope you tuned in to last night’s Survivor, if for no other reason than to see how much more awful Colton could behave.

After voting off Monica, mean girls Colton and Alicia tell Christina that she has no friends and no allies. Colton compares her to a cockroach after a nuclear war, surviving things she shouldn’t have and suggests she form an alliance with a hermit crab. The duo won’t let Christina have any space in their shelter. Alicia feels the need to get some jabs in at Christina’s expense so Colton doesn’t think she’s too soft. I can’t BELIEVE she teaches special ed. For shame.

It’s been a tad chilly at night on the island, and Salani awakens to a clue that promises childhood backyard shenanigans and potential sweet treats. Kat had a dream where she was murdered by Alicia at the mall. Troyzan is just thrilled he’s not on the misfit Manono tribe.

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On last night’s Survivor, Colton continued to play puppet master. The tribes divided, and one was a lot more stacked than the other…I’m just sayin’. Colton has his new tribe eating out of the palm of his uncalloused, manicured hand, and I want to reach through my screen and pluck one of his eyebrows more than the other so they’d look uneven. That’s true retaliation, let me tell you.

The Salani awake after not having to attend tribal council. They can’t believe that the men of Manono are such a mess. The women hope that the merge is impending, as they are now seven strong against the men’s crumbling brood. Jeff Probst invites the teams to the reward challenge and calls for a tribe switch. Colton looks like someone just yanked his favorite silver spoon right out of his mouth! The new teams will be chosen at random. Each player will receive an egg. Jeff will count down to when everyone can smash their egg against their chest. The color of the yolk will determine the new tribes. The blues are Salani while the orange is Manono. I will say, it seems the blue team got the best of both. It will be fun watching Colton and Alicia vie for attention on the new orange team.

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Last night’s Survivor started off simple enough…the women have gained momentum, the once unified Manono are beginning to crumble. However, I never thought I would see or hear what I did. Boo to you, Colton. Boo. To. You. And to think, last week I thought we’d be biffles if I ever met you on the street. Shame on me.

The men head back to camp after sending Hairless Matt packing. The remaining Muscles can’t believe the outcasts have aligned. Tarzan and Troyzan decide Bill needs to be next, not because they don’t like him – quite the opposite! Bill is so charming he’s dangerous, potentially eroding the core alliance of five.

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Oh ladies of Survivor, did any of you ever watch an episode before coming on this show? Perhaps you did, as you finally made some headway on last night’s episode.

A storm’s a brewin’ on the beach, and Colton invites the women to the men’s camp, which has more shelter to survive the elements. The women politely decline, because… They. Are. Tough. The women are freezing and wind-blown, when the downpour begins. They are huddled together under a flimsy palm-frond tent. Good times! Thankfully, the Salani make it through the night. They are cold, hungry, and tired, and with their fire gone, they don’t know what they’ll be eating. Troyzan and Colton allow the women to come dry off by their roaring fire. Of course the men have fire…they are a cohesive team. Some of the women are proud they didn’t cave in to sleep at the guy’s camp, but they have no shame in using their fire. Hairless Matt is not amused to find boobs in his camp.

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Do you like the recap title? I got it from one of my former first grade students after his dad’s alma mater beat my alma mater in basketball. If only I’d known in 2005 that Roy’s words would be so helpful to me now. On last night’s Survivor, the tribes proved once again that girls are passive-aggressive, while men like to pound their (sometimes waxed) chests when they succeed. It’s a study in middle school behavior to say the least.

The women head back to the Salani camp, which is basically the Manano camp. The guys brag that they were nice enough to keep their fire burning. It’s annoying to Michael that none of the women had to be voted off since Kourtney broke her wrist. Christina approaches Alicia to rehash the differences the girls had at tribal council. Alicia apologizes for any bad blood, but in her interview she twirls her imaginary evil-doer mustache and proclaims that if she saw Christina drowning in the ocean, she’d look the other way. It’s that kind of empathy I would hope that most special education teachers portray.

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