I know y’all are waiting with baited breath for the new season of Sister Wives to premiere tonight on TLC. You’ve missed Kody Brown’s luscious locks, haven’t you? Admit it! Not to mention, there have been teasers galore about a new lady joining the Brown clan. Whoever could it be?
Spoiler alert: it’s me! Don’t I wish? I’d love to put Meri’s wet bar to actual use (seriously, why did she need that thing?) and take a crack at writing their family mission statement. Kidding! I wouldn’t last a day in that red clay cul-de-sac compound! So who could this mystery woman be?
How are we already at the end of the Sister Wives’ season? It’s reunion time, and Tamron Hall is hosting Kody Brown, his hair, and his four wives, and she is such a class act. Right off the bat, she revisits Meri’s decision to get a wet bar go back to college and Kody’s stick straight locks in the scene. Geez, it’s horrible. Kody is supportive of his first wife’s plan, but Robyn is just a ball of fun when she learns the news. The sighing and the jaw clenching is intense. Meri is tearing up just watching the playback of the situation. Robyn tries to clarify that she didn’t feel betrayed, but she did feel ditched. She doesn’t want Meri to find better friends outside of the family…um, these women aren’t friends. Christine thinks that Meri heading back to school is the best thing for Meri. Since Mariah left, Christine feels that Meri has disengaged, and fulfilling herself through college will be just what she needs to find happiness.
Next we go back to the time that Kody pounded on his chest and talked about hormone swapping through make-out sessions with Mykelti and her now former boyfriend. Kody is so proud of his little speech, and Robyn once again reminds us that pre-marital sex is bad, bad, bad. Christine loves that Kody makes kissing sound gross to potential suitors. Tamron looks perplexed by the entire conversation, and I can’t say I blame her. The topic segues to the importance of My Sister Wives’ Closet. Finally, Janelle speaks, and she looks amazing. Tamron chides Kody about his temper tantrum in the counseling appointment where he said he never got to be the leader of the family. He is constantly asking for permission from his wives and seeking a consensus. Robyn praises Kody for being a great leader. I wonder if she ever gets tired of constantly stroking his ego…
I know y’all are sad you won’t be seeing Kody Brown’s gorgeous locks, fancy side ponytail, and denim tuxedo for a while, but alas, last night was the season finale of Sister Wives. The family is back in Las Vegas, which means no more road trip hijinks or Kody shiz shows when “someone” forgets to tightly screw in the tube on the camper’s sewage valve. Ahh, memories. Instead, the season’s final episode treated us to yet another family party. These folks have to commemorate every event with a veggie tray and mission statement, that’s for sure.
The family is prepping for a slide show that chronicles the family since Kody’s wedding to Meri up through his (not recognized by law) union with Robyn. Good times! The crafy Browns are also putting together a scrapbook of their journey through the years. Robyn is thrilled because it’s the first album in which she’ll make an appearance. Self-absorbed much? Kody is strutting a blue tooth (what is this 2009?) and that horrible ponytail that makes him look like a cartoon samurai while dodging inquiries from Christine and daughter Aspyn about Robyn’s growing belly. He fumbles over a “no, she’s not pregnant, what are you talking about?” statement while grinning ear to ear. Don’t ever play poker, Kody. Really. Don’t.
Hey! Remember on last week’s Sister Wives when Kody got showered in waste at the RV park? Good times for sure! The Browns are on their way across country to meet a Christian polygamist family whose faith isn’t rooted in Mormon principles. This guy is living Kody’s dream. He once got his wife to bake for him and then complained while she was baking that she wasn’t available to cuddle. What will remedy that? Another wife! Who is this guy and how stupid are his wives?
Kody is sporting a fancier version of his usual denim button down. It’s got embroidery on it. Christine is a bit wary about driving across country to meet a family they don’t know. Janelle is happy to mingle with like-minded people. In the dark of night, the families meet, and Kody is beside himself trying to impress the cool Nathaniel Richard and his wives. From what I gather, he only has two wives. They admit to living a secret life, but the Richards share that there are a lot of plural families living in Missouri.
The Richards kids channel their best Sound of Music as they march their way through roll call. The families share a Passover meal where they celebrate (?) beasts and boils. Nathaniel is only thirty-three, and the Brown wives remember just how bright-eyed and idealistic Kody was at his age. From what I gather, the Richard family won’t be getting a spin-off any time soon. They aren’t hip even by Meri standards, and one of the wives is sporting a straight-up banana clip. Someone get this lady a scrunchie so we can at least bring her into the early 90s!
Oh y'all. Last night's Sister Wives was the vacation from hell! Can you imagine trekking halfway across the United States with Kody Brown at the helm of your RV? Would you rather ride shotgun if Meri or Robyn were driving? Even Janelle and Christine seemed to be a bit weary about the two RVs and a twelve passenger van. All of this chaos to meet some Christian polygamists. The teenagers are upset about missing spring break with their friends, and Kody is going from house to house trying to pack his stuff. Before heading out of town, Kody's hair leads a business meeting for My Sister Wives' Closet. Robyn is irritated that the investors have yet to fund their business. It's been eight weeks since they were promised the money. What's the hold up? How are they going to pay to rent the RVs? Everyone seems to be dreading this vacation. Even Kody admits to feeling anxious.
Somehow, Kody has convinced his niece Cindy to join the crew–and drive! Is she being punished for something? Meri will also be behind the wheel. Kody is believes his teenagers are going to make or break the trip. The responsible college aged kids are off the hook and won't be traveling with the family. Kody is worried. Without Mariah, Aspyn, Mykelti, and Logan, who will actually watch the younger kids? Christine joins him in his concern. Is she going to have to watch her younger kids now? The family is only an hour behind schedule as Kody barks orders at children who aren't listening to a word he says. I'm getting stressed out by this trip already and they haven't even left the cul-de-sac compound yet!
Last night's Sister Wives focused on the teens. Kody Brown has a lot to say about his kids being in relationships, but I think all of the Brown children have good heads on their shoulders. Added bonus? We didn't have to see as much of Robynwhining or Meri complaining about her wet bar. Score!
Janelle is meeting with trainer Sean, and she's struggling with her plateau. She's ready to start losing again even though Kody has never said a word about her weight. Sean is disappointed that Janelle hasn't continued with her thirty day healthy eating challenge, and she acknowledges that she's an emotional eater and a procrastinator.
Where has the time gone? Logan is a sophomore at UNLV, and he's living with a couple who is dating. Off campus housing and a girl roommate? Props to you, Logan! Kody and his wives are very proud of Logan and they note that he doesn't come home very often. Logan is a good kid, and he admits that he's dating and socializing and hugging and kissing girls outside of marriage. Janelle trusts Logan's judgment, but Kody wishes he could impose a "no touching" rule until marriage on all of his kids.
No need to wait until Christmas to get the present you've been waiting for! Last night, TLC gifted us with two, yes TWO(!!), episodes of Sister Wives. Kody Brown's hair was full and flowing for the special occasion. Let's start with the first installment, shall we?
After their laughable pitch for My Sister Wives' Closet, Kody and his hair are anxiously awaiting to hear whether the investors took the bait. Christine is nervous, and Robyn is feeling a sense of urgency about her business baby. A terrified Janellecould care less about the company (can you blame her?) because her trainer wants her to climb a rock wall. Meri is heading to Utah to check on her house and catch up with a friend from kindergarten. At the rock wall, Janelle wants to vomit. I hate heights, but I think it looks super fun. She's a foot off the ground when her nerves get the best of her. Seriously, she could jump higher than she just climbed. Janelle is determined to conquer her fears and is able to touch a rock about five feet in the air. Son Logan is with her, and he's enjoyed seeing how much confidence his mother has gained in her weight loss journey.
I don't know why TLC and ABC didn't think to make last night's episode of Sister Wives as a crossover with Shark Tank. Can you imagine Daymond John or Mark Cuban reacting to Kody Brown's hair and Robyn's whining as they pitched My Sister Wives' Closet? Christine could model the jewelry wearing her finest medieval garb! What a missed opportunity!
The wives are working on a business plan because apparently showing up and just asking for money doesn't work with venture capitalists…they like presentations. It's crazy that rich people won't just give out money to tacky online jewelry boutiques!? Robyn and Kodi are rocking denim tuxedos and whining about goals and differences and hopes and dreams and teamwork. Meri complains, and Janelle is the only one with any sense of vision, organization, and focus. Shocking. Why is she still here? Run, Janelle, run! We'd all support you! Kody decides the family should take a day to figure out where to go from here, which is a great idea considering they have to pitch themselves and their business in twenty days. I love that the two people who claim to be the most invested in this company are the two biggest procrastinators in the Brown bunch.