As if the amount of peanut brittle I've eaten today isn't gag-worthy enough, Kris Jenner swoops in to ruin my sugar high with her talk of Kimye's wedding, how in love Yeezus is with daughter Kim Kardashian, and how great things are with Bruce post-separation. It makes me kind of want to poke myself in the eye.
It will come as no surprise that Kim isn't going to tone it down for wedding number three to Kanye West. Shocker! After her million dollar event for a marriage that lasted less than three months, that sounds reasonable enough.
Nothing like reality TV to break up a few relationships! This year several reality stars called it quits on their longtime relationships, sometimes shocking the viewing public. And some PR stunts just didn't pan out. Unfortunately many of those meltdowns included plenty of scandal!
One person who is relieved is the ever-publicity seekingKris Jenner, who is probably already figuring out a way to spin this into another reality show, or possibly a Khloe Is Single spinoff! Maybe Khloe could be the next Bachelorette!
Despite the bad news, Khloe is doing fine according to Kris. "Khloé really is so great. She's strong and…the good news is that she's busy and you know, keeps her real busy. But she's good," the Keeping Up With The Kardashians pimpmomager tells E! News.
Do you have a ten-year plan? I do, and it involves a bestselling novel turned blockbuster movie starring Ryan Gosling…and a relationship with Ryan Gosling. Hey girl, it could happen!
Kim Kardashian also has hopes for where her life will be in a decade. Fear not, it will likely still be playing out in front of our eyes as I can't imagine this family has any plans to leave E! anytime soon. Kim recently revealed that she'd like to have two more children with Kanye West. Of course, the family will need an East and a South as siblings for baby North.
Is there trouble in the ultimate fame whoring reality paradise? It seems that someone needs to learn how to behave. Of course, by "behave" I mean that someone needs to stop comparing his creative genius to that of Steve Jobs and the difficulty of his stage performance to that of the effort men and women put forth while defending our country. Kanye West…a true gem.
Unfortunately for Kim Kardashian, pimp momager Kris Jenner is getting very tired her daughter's fiance's negative portrayal in the media. She's ready for the tiny rapping to stop with his ridiculous rants and get on board with the gravy train known as her family's brand.
Bruce is reportedly being seduced with a multi-million dollar tell-all deal which will blow the lid off the Keeping Up With The Kardashians empire and expose all the dastardly deeds of pimpmama KJ. But before all that he's signed onto play a Kris-esque character in The Hungover Games! The movie is a spoof of blockbuster hits The Hunger Games and The Hangover and Bruce will play the part of a futuristic sports announcer alongside Hank Baskett.
I would be concerned about Bruce's acting ability but he's been acting like he loves Kris for years, so… Anyway, you can catch a trailer of the of the film below. In it Bruce wears a wig that mocks his wife's idiosyncratic hairstyle and some atrocious lipstick that is probably Kroma Beauty!
Just when I thought pimp momager Kris Jenner couldn't get any worse, she posts the above picture of herself on Instagram (captioned "Date Night"–gag) sporting tween duck face and dining with Francine from the PBS cartoon Arthur. On the heels of the tabloids covers touting a not-so-secret romance between the icky reality star and former BachelorBen Flannel, er, I mean Flajnik.
And what does poor estranged husband Bruce Jenner think of all this messiness? For his sake, I hope he realizes that life is far better out of Kris' klutches. I wonder if he ever gets the itch to spill what he knows about loyal and doting wife. We all know if the tables were turned, she'd do it in a heartbeat!