Something in the buttermilk ain’t clean! Once again, the Kardashians claim something awful happened to them. Something that wasn’t caught on camera or leaked to the press as it happened. Call me crazy, but I don’t believe them.
In March, Khloe Kardashian reported $250,000 worth of jewelry missing from her Tarzana home and Kourtney Kardashian claimed $50,000 cash was stolen from her Calabasas home. Both thefts remain unsolved. Now Kourtney wants us to believe $4,000 was stolen from her Southampton home. What a shame nobody stole that jumpsuit before she could wear it in public. Oy.
Kim Zolciak, who has six kids, one hot husband, and a house full of wigs, has 59 security cameras in her home. But the Kardashians, who have hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of cash and valuables lying around, have no reliable cameras in their homes? Yeah, OK.
Things begin with Khloe and Kourtney playing grab ass while mocking Kim Kardashian for her Vogue Cover. Really we should be mocking Anna Wintour for her poor lapse of judgment. Maybe she was high too? Kim has a case of sour grapes because her sisters didn’t drop their lives, worship her, kiss her feet, hands and ass and come to the newsstand at 5am to purchase one of the first copies of Kim’s bible cover. Khloe taunts Kim and tells her she already has her copy and reads it while she is on the john. #ToiletMaterial
On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, we saw the final installment of the Thailand vacay. Kim Kardashian continues to believe kids are fashion accessories and momentarily contemplates taking a Thai orphan home. Brody Jenner puts his protective big brother panties on and Khloe Kardashian opens up more about the disaster she once called her marriage..
Things kick off with a group boxing session. Khloe may or may not be visualizing the instructor is Lamar’s cheating a$$. She is a machine. Everyone is impressed and applauds her strength. Brody and Kim feel Khloe should quit kicking the instructors a$$ and just tap his a$$ instead. Kim decides it’s her turn in the ring after all she wants people to clap for her too! Apparently she doesn’t like to get her hands dirty, and instead opts to ding the bell. Everybody claps Kim’s big achievement.
On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, things begin with Kris Jenner and Leah Jenner taking a random midnight dip in the ocean. Kris decides to not let Kendall and Kylie’s hatred of her bother her. Apparently, at any given time, at least one of her kids can’t stand her, so basically it’s same old same old to Kris. #DysfunctionAtItsFinest
Kim Kardashian has decided not to let her embarrassing run in with Brody Jenner stop her from her selfie project. That’s too bad. Today Kim has graduated from standard ‘selfies’ and is now taking a$$ selfies. You read that right. Did one of her employees just rub her butt with oil and then apply sand. Seriously. Was this written in to their Kartrashian Kontract? Must be willing to apply baby oil and other lotions (amongst other elements) to Kimberley’s derriere. Quick question; how many employees does it take to apply oil and sand to Kim’s ass? If you answered 3 you were correct.
There is always another Kardashian product to be hawked!
Kris Jenner, the pimpmomager matriarch of America’s first family of famewhore is now releasing a family kookbook! In the Kitchen with Kris: A Kollection of Kardashian-Jenner Family Favorites will hit shelves in October and will show you how you can eat to get that famous Kardashian derriere!
“I finally got so tired of sharing my recipes one-by-one with everybody that asked, that it just made sense to do a book and put it all together,” Kris explained. I’ve only seen Kris cook once on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but I’m sure the family’s favorite restaurants are donating some recipes. Seriously – whenever they are eating on the show it’s takeout or in restaurants or complete crap convenience food (like Kim always eating Ramen Noodles!).
Things kick off at Rob’s apartment. Khloe Kardashian is homeless y’all. I find it hard to believe anyone with an estimated net worth of $18 million could be homeless. Not to mention her mother has a home the size of Disneyland and her step father offered her to crash at his Malibu mansion just last episode. Nice try Khloe, but you my dear are not homeless and I don’t expect to see you at the soup kitchen anytime soon. Khloe and Rob’s relationship is borderline incestuous. Actually it’s not even borderline, it just is. Rob gifts Khloe with sex toys as a welcome present and Khloe announces she will wear lingerie for him. Khloe admits their relationship is like a married couple. I can’t believe I’m going to say this – I’m actually looking forward to Kim taking selfies.
So, the Kardashians have been quiet lately, haven’t they? Yeah, right! If Kim and krew could go a day without gracing every form of media, I may be concerned for their well-being–or the well-being of North West, although Kanye West already has that covered. More on that in a bit…