If you’re easily grossed out, you might want to skip tonight’s episode of Vanderpump Rules! Or at least don’t have steak for dinner before watching it (you definitely won’t want steak for a while after watching it…). Tonight Tom Schwartz dishes up some revenge to Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval and it’s gag-inducing, but brings him a whole lot of joy. We’ll leave it at that and not spoil it for you.
Also on tonight’s episode, Katie Maloney asks Stassi, Scheana, and Kristen Doute to be her bridesmaids. Katie excludes Ariana Madix from her list of chosen ones because she’s upset that Ariana is still talking to Lala Kent. Katie later questions her decision to include Scheana when she’s seen being friendly to Lala.
Kristen Doute swears she is a whole new girl, and because of that, this season of Vanderpump Rulesis her favorite one yet. Considering how every other season has literally been in the toilet of the SUR bathroom for Kristen, I can’t imagine how things could get any worse?
According to Kristen, season five “feels like a throwback to season one with everyone being back together.”
Kristen insists she has learned from her mistakes. “It was a huge wake up call seeing this stuff on TV,” she describes. Unfortunately, many fans are “still stuck on ‘Crazy Kristen’ and ‘Why are you trying to stalk Tom Sandoval and trying to break up Ariana and Tom?’ It’s like, that was four years ago!” laments Kristen. “There’s been a change.”
Last night Lisa Vanderpump hosted World Dog Day and declared it a mandatory requirement for all Vanderpump Rules stars to own a dog. James Kennedy is exempt, however,because obviously Lisa cares about the welfare of her furry friends!
OK, just kidding – they didn’t have to own a dog, but it might as well have been a decree. Some of them <ahem… Stassi Schroeder…> were so eager to suck-up to Lisa via dog-loving they adopted two poor doggies, and dressed them up in bonnets fit for English Tea.
Before we dealt with dogs, however, we had to deal with pussy cats. And also bitches. All in a days work at SUR, right!? The bitch is Jax Taylor who has been spreading news of Kristen Doute petting Brittany Cartwright‘s kitty-cat all over SUR.
Jax laughs during a clip of Kristen saying that the night she and Brittany kissed was a blur, but he is going to refrain from commenting because he keeps getting himself in trouble over it. “Listen, whether it did or did not happen, it’s in the past. I was more mad because I couldn’t get into the house! I was so mad, trying to call Brittany, I was coming home from SUR, I had a couple drinks and I was just angry because she wasn’t answering her phone. So when I got in, I could care less if she was sleeping with girls or not, I was just so mad because I couldn’t get in the house, so I kind of took it out on her. What I saw really didn’t help but..”
Welcome back to Vanderpump Rules, where people miraculously age in reverse – but only in their personalities and maturity levels.
Despite our year-long hiatus, little has changed at SUR, the illustrious sur-vers and their counterparts. Kristen Doute and Stassi Schroeder are back in the full-time rotation, to reign supreme over the dysfunction, with Scheana Marie and Katie Maloney their tittering accomplices. Tom 2 is a mere accessory to their life of crime, the teeny dog shoved in a purse to nip and yap occasionally. And everybody still hates Lala Kent!
I don’t know guys – are we really in for another season of mean girls justifying their own behavior by calling the other person mean? It’s like Vanderpump Rules is just an audition for Real Housewives, a job Stassi presumably believes will be hers as soon as she convinces a Hollywood mogul, or rich business man to marry her. Maybe when Lala’s ‘boyfriend,’ the married guy with 35,022 kids who is passing out free Range Rovers on Halloween, ditches that wife of his Stassi can swoop right in?
What did Lisa think of Tom Sandoval‘s new highlighted hair? “I didn’t like it.” Andy then plays a Kristen montage and asks Lisa if Kristen will ever be able to convince people that she isn’t psycho? “I don’t know, I think we’ve got too much evidence that she is.” Will Kristen’s relationship go the distance? “It’s gone on a lot longer than we thought, right? But I mean we have a little hiccup this episode, isn’t that kind of relevant?”
Vanderpump Rules returns for its fifth season tonight. That means we’ve endured four seasons of binge drinking, bar fighting, cheating scandals, bad boyfriending, bad girlfriending, bad friending, b’atrocious fashions from bad employees who are slinging shots while slinging mud whilst trying Lisa Vanderpump‘s patience! But success tastes like a Pumptini after a long day at Bravo, so before we head into season five – which promises another wedding with another bad wedding gown – let’s refresh our drink-addled memories with a toast to all the craziness from last season!
Because as unrealistic as it is to imagine 30-something bartenders and waitresses who have not evolved at all in their lives and are still bickering over the same puerile topics, we’re all kinda obsessed with the show. Below is a rundown of Vanderpump Rules biggest dramas and scandals from season 4!