Kristen Doute

Stassi in Montak

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules, we learned that Stassi Schroeder‘s problems with men run deep. Like down in the beautiful, briny sea deep. She’s also being strangled in turtleneck-form by her own ill-advised hubris.

Now, I must do a disclaimer with this recap: Do not expect my usual greatness of prose mixed with pearls of wisdom, as I have the worst cold I have ever had in my human existence. And I feel like garbage. Like what Tequila Katie (minus Tom 2) may smear on Scheana Marie‘s overly-contoured face.

Can we talk about Scheana? Ho-ly does that girl need a ‘stink face’ removal procedure. Didn’t anyone warn her that her face will freeze that way if she makes a poop face immediately after getting Botox? I mean, I get it – she has a hard-earned summer body to protect, but lighten up and eat a lil’ clam. I hear Kristen Doute loves them.

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Vanderpump Rules & Summer House cast in Cabo

Several of the stars of Vanderpump Rules headed to Cabo to party into the New Year. Along for the trip were Lauren Wirkus and Ashley Wirkus, twins, and stars of the new Bravo show Summer House. (They made a cameo on Pump Rules earlier in the season).

Kristen Doute, her boyfriend Carter, Brittany Cartwright and Jax Taylor, Tom 2 and Katie Too, plus Stassi Schroeder and their friend Rachel O’Brien all hopped on a plane to spend New Year’s Eve beach-style. Naturally, since reality stars cannot do anything without a selfie-stick in the hand which isn’t holding a cocktail, the cast shared plenty of photos of their debauched and relaxing beach week.

Click below to check out their pics below!

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Ariana & Brittany in Sonoma

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules featured dueling birthday trips – one made no attempt to be classy and the other pretended to be something they’re not.

First up, Ariana Madix grabbed the Toms and Jax Taylor for an RV trek around Sonoma Wine Country, which ground to a halt at a NASCAR track for wieners and wienies. The wienie being Tom 1 who whined and cried – in front of Ariana’s brother no less – that Ariana doesn’t find his man bun and overall short-alls attractive enough to f–k. The poor Toms – it seems they have something in common, in that their ladies would rather do anything but them.

But first there was the drama over The Missing Lala.

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Lisa fires James again

Get your Tom + Katie tea towels ready to clean up the muck that has become Vanderpump Rules!

Recovering from Christmas and an ultimate cookie binge, the last thing I’m in the mood for is whining from Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. But, alas, I am nothing if not a consummate professional, so I have wrenched myself from the sluggish glut of a living room filled with wrapping paper (how many calories does wading through wrapping paper burn?) to complete this recap. Happy holidays! Katie just blew her life savings on $18.00 custom tea towels, and her life now consists of hatefully glaring at Tom Schwartz while folding said towels into cardboard boxes, wrapping the whole thing with twine, and mailing it. In case you were wondering wtf: that’s her wedding invite.

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Kristen-Doute-Dog-Missing

It’s a real struggle for me to think of things that Kristen Doute and her former boss Lisa Vanderpump have in common. In fact, the only one I can think of is that they both have a strong love for animals. In fact, Kristen is now a doggie foster mom. Unfortunately, the good news ends there since Kristen’s dog Bowie is missing.

Kristen’s dog has been missing for about a day now and, as expected, she has been frantically searching for the dog all over the area and posting on social media.

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Stassi-Shroeder-Kristen-Doute-Katie-Maloney-Couch-Pose-Vanderpump-Rules

A word of advice to every cast member of Vanderpump Rules: Stop with the day drinking, already! As we saw on this week’s installment of VPR, Stassi Schroeder would benefit greatly from a clear head when facing her imaginary rivals at surprise-not-surprise parties far and wide. And, according to Stassi’s commentary on last night’s episode – she agrees!

“Lesson 1: don’t agree to go up to ppl to ‘talk’ after 6 hours of drinking in the sun,” tweeted Stassi last night after witnessing her sloppy behavior on camera, adding, “Lesson 2: be fake so that I get a good edit.” So, which is it: drunk or fake? I’ll put my money on both!

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Vanderpump Rules recap

It’s a cold day in L.A. before I take Scheana Marie‘s side about anything, but thanks to last night’s Vanderpump Rules that icy apocalypse has arrived.

Does anyone even understand what happened last night? It was essentially 30-year-old women playing drunken telephone as if bringing a stupid bridal party game to real life. Somehow, Stassi Schroeder took a situation that she was not a part of in any way, and through heresy, put her own special Stassi spin on it until it dildo-in-acid exploded on Scheana, soaking her in the bile of bad friendships and her own bad karma.

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Jax, Kristen, and Brittany

Wedding Bells continue to ring on Vanderpump Rules (hopefully not next season, though!) and Kristen Doute predicts the next couple to walk down the aisle with be Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright. Errrmmmm…

“I know that Brittany is the best thing that has ever happened to Jax. Brittany just knows how to handle him,” gushed Kristen. “There is no way Jax could be with anyone else.” Does she mean sexually?

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