In fact, last night was awash in lost possessions. For instance, Stassi no longer has possession of Katie Maloney. Katie is officially out from under Stassi’s very busy self-pleasuring thumb. Naturally, Stassi doesn’t feel at all responsible since Katie is the one who “changed the rules” of their friendship by partying with the enemy.
Stassi tells Katie over and over again why Stassi is upset about all the things that happened to Stassi which were upsetting and hurtful to Stassi and Stassi’s feelings really matter a lot to Stassi who was really going through a lot of things that were terrible for Stassi. It was all”I! I! I!” at the Stassi Schroeder Whine-a-thon (wine not included)!
I’m running late today (as if that is not an affliction of everyday). I blame Kristen Doute. Or Jax Taylor – I truly vacillate between which one of the two is more whorerendous. See what I did there – it’s subtlety – which is something Vanderpump Rules is not known for. So let’s carry-on recapping this reunion.
Lots ‘o weird last night! Why Kristen’s makeup is suddenly making her look like a 48-year-old cougar? Perhaps it was sitting in the youthful glow of James Kennedy. Perhaps it was her dark soul emanating through her pores. You don’t believe me – it happened to Jax too. Take a look at season 1 Jax. Is that the same man you ask? I mean it could be… I wouldn’t put ‘zombie recreation Jax’ past the whodunits at Bravo.
Also, weird? Stassi Schroeder everything. So many unsaid things, so many allusions, so many not adding ups. We’re still dismantling the secrets of Tom 1 and Miami Girl; I don’t care – I want to know about the Super-Secret Life of Stassi Schroeder.
Vanderpump Rules season 3 is coming to an end (WAAAAAH! – Don’t leave me!) and we’re counting down the Top 10 most dramatic, most insane, most eye-roll worthy, most delicious moments of the season. And then we’re gonna get the reunion which will surely blow all the other dramatic moments right out of the water!
“It’s my party and I can be immature if I want to, bitch if I want to – you would tell lies and ruin people’s lives too if it happened to you!” So that’s the theme song for Vanderpump Rules and singing it in a beautiful, lyrical duet with perfect harmonization are Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute.
Lisa Vanderpump is ready for the annual SUR Photoshoot. To celebrate the ten-year anniversary she decides on a 50’s greaser theme, shooting at the old-fashioned Pink Motel complete with a drained cement pool, a pink Cadillac, and a whole lotta Aqua Net on display.
I love the theme, and Lisa wearing a white t-shirt, red lips, and killer 50’s cat-eye shades like the Madame of the Pink Ladies was (aka, Rizzo, after she married a rich mobster and starting running Staten Island) was amazing.
Since Super Stylist Stassi was unavailable to style people she doesn’t like, Lisa had to go ahead and hire a real professional, who can like do her job, put personal differences aside, and recognize the importance of client relations.
Katie Maloney has seen her life undergo a lot of changes on this season of Vanderpump Rules. Her relationship to Tom Schwartz nearly crumbled over rings on strings and cheating scandals (that may or may not have happened), plus she saw her long-time BFF-hood to Stassi Schroeder fall apart.
Katie admits it was “definitely a big growing time,” and she’s happy to have learned some important lessons in the process about friendship, her personal values, and commitment.
According to Katiethings with Tom are “great” although the couple is still working out a few kinks! “Since the summer, when we finished filming, Tom changed his attitude and has come a long way,” she describes. “The mutual respect is back and I have restored my trust in him. [His cheating] is not a pattern.”
Just for the record, Kristen seems wasted in the video – you can see for yourself below – and is slurring her words something awful. And despite the fact that she claims to finally be over Tom, her euphoria when discussing the Miami Girl revelation tells otherwise, as does the flashback footage of her grinning when Jax “finally” spoke the truth. Get your pillows ready to hide your eyes – it’s cringe-inducing.
Scheana Marie had an epiphany of the Kristen Doute persuasion – she finally recognized that sometimes you can’t be friends with everybody, especially when some of those everybodys are crazy! After hearing all the details about Miami Girl, Scheana explains why she doesn’t believe Jax Taylor and why she finally had enough of Kristen’s scheming.
Scheana shares, that after hearing all sides of the story about Tom Sandoval allegedly cheating on Ariana Madix, she “absolutely believes Tom,” but what she – or anyone else, particularly Kristen, thinks – is irrelevant if Tom and Ariana are happy in their relationship. Amen Scheana!
“When the information was originally presented to me, I ABSOLUTELY had doubts, but with further review, I absolutely believe Tom, and at the end of the day, I just want my friends to be happy,” the Vanderpump Rules star explains.
Who likes irony?! I do! Kristen Doute has been desperate to get Jax Taylor to “tell the truth” about Tom Sandoval cheating in Miami. Since Jax was in a storytelling mood, he also let it slip that Kristen got in a fight with a stripper – however Kristen insists that Jax is lying about that! But he’s telling the truth about Tom 1? Mmmmkay… The Truth and Jax Taylor go together like logical thinking and Kristen Doute!
Immediately after Jax spilled the story on Vanderpump Rules, Kristen and her sole-surviving friend Rachael denounced Jax as a liar on twitter. We all know Jax makes things up – except when Kristen wants them to be true, like when Jax is suddenly going to get truthy about Tom and Miami Girl. Oh Kristen, you amuse me to no end. Jax, of course, insists his account of Kristen and the stripper is true.