Kristen Doute

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Now that Lala Kent isn’t around to be the resident target, Kristen Doute takes aim at  former boyfriend/door-spitter James Kennedy this week. On tonight’s episode of Vanderpump Rules, Kristen rounds up two of James’ rumored flings, Ellie and GG, to crash his big DJ gig and expose him for the cheater she hears he is.

Kristen and the crew sit back and watch the drama unfold as they confront James’ girlfriend, Raquel Leviss, telling her she’s delusional to think he’s loyal. Obviously things do not go well much to Kristen’s glee.  Tom Sandoval looks on in horror, knowing what kind of crazy is about to be unleashed.

Sherry does not approve of some of Jax's past

Aside from being eternally mystified by angel Brittany Cartwright’s ability to put up with Jax Taylor’s antics, another thing that made me question the staying power of their relationship was when Brittany’s mom Sherri Cartwright visited the couple when the Vanderpump Rules cast was roasting Jax for his birthday. Just like her daughter, Mrs. Cartwright let a lot of things slide when it comes to Jax’s behavior, but a lot of fans felt like she had way too strong of a reaction to the male hookup rumors and accused Sherri of being homophobic.

Luckily for Sherri, Brittany’s Pump Rules costars stepped in to defend her reaction and her support of the LGBTQ community. Unfortunately for Sherri, it didn’t seem like Sherri’s (possible) future son-in-law did much to have her back.

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Jax Gets Roasted

Really Vanderpump Rules has come down to a Fund-Rager and a contrived roast of Jax Taylor, which coincidentally happened while Brittany Cartwright‘s extra-crispy mama is in town? It’s so contrived. All of it. And it really frosts my lipstick.

But first, it’s Tom 1‘s party and everyone will cry if they want to, cry if they want to – you would cry too if these friends happened to you! The boys really got the birthday shafts, didn’t they – the girls got trips to Montauk and NASCAR, and they get made fun of and forced to do charity work. HA.

Well, Tom turned an indeterminate shade of 30 and celebrated not by raising awareness for himself or his attuned and wrinkle-free skin, but by inviting all of his friends to donate their easily-earned money to charity. Kristen Doute brought her crisp $20, handed it to the collection emcee and announced that now she has full-license to be bad for all eternity in exchange for this one good deed. Jax didn’t have that luck – his card was declined when he tried to give a measly $100. His karma, as always, remains, in despair.

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Jax-Taylor-Barstool-Podcast

I know a lot of Vanderpump Rules viewers love to hate on Jax Taylor, but I really feel like his antics make the show.  He is certainly not a beacon of morality – but who would want to watch a reality TV show about someone who makes the right decisions all the time? I definitely wouldn’t. That’s why I absolutely loved the ridiculous things Jax said in a recent interview about all of the key players and plot points on Vanderpump Rules.

Jax could not be politically correct even if he tried, so I’m happy that he didn’t hold back when he was asked about the girl that he supposedly impregnated from Season 1, why he cheated on Stassi Schroeder, and his relationship with Brittany Cartwright. He even talked about how he would hook up with his boss Lisa Vanderpump. Say what you want about Jax, but the man constantly delivers entertainment. Jax delivered gem after gem after gem. If you are easily offended, do not read past this point.

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kristen-stassi-katie

Dear Stassi Schroeder, Kristen Doute, and Katie Maloney,

Your desperation is showing! And, oh my, that’s the type of thing most ‘nice girls’ would keep tucked away. Although I guess we’re dealing with mean girls here.

Now listen, no one said Lala Kent was sweet or innocent, but y’all have been riding her harder than her allegedly married boyfriend is, and it’s a bit ridiculous to equate a few snippy comments with the stalking and harassment on and off Vanderpump Rules. You’re essentially looking jealous.

Sincerely,

Mary (a nobody with a brain)

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Lala confronts James

Lala Kent may have quit Vanderpump Rules, but that doesn’t mean she’s leaving SUR behind. (I hear the fried goat cheese balls are addictive.) Lala says she was at the restaurant this weekend at the very same Kristen Doute happened to be there and that Kristen stalked and harassed her throughout dinner. Well that’s charming!

Lala claims she was there for a business dinner and Kristen started drama with her. “I went to the back area, which is a lounge area where anyone can sit, not just the workers. I go to take a table and Kristen is behind me. She is like, ‘You can’t sit there.’ So I removed myself.”

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Ariana Madix and Tom Sandoval on WWHL

Ariana Madix must feel like a kindergarten teacher most days – you know, that moment when you look around and notice that you are literally the ONLY adult in the room? Despite this phenomenon, the Vanderpump Rules star says she’s been fairly happy with how this season has gone thus far, and with the fan feedback she’s been getting. But she does warn that things are about to get crazier (than usual?) during the second half of season five – and that she’ll inevitably get caught up in the madness.

Of the mid-season VPR trailer released this week, Ariana says, “It looks really intense. It’s funny, because everything has been pretty good so far, but now I’m getting kind of nervous for the rest of the season. It’s really ramping up.”

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Ariana at Katie's Bridal shower

So, do we think Brittany Cartwright‘s mama is going to be successful in her quest to get Jax Taylor into a church?! If so, will the holy water turn him into liquefied jelly – or will he start speaking in tongues?! Oh wait, he already does… Yes, an exorcism must be done on Vanderpump Rules, but shockingly, Jax isn’t the one who needs it. OK, maybe he does, but not as bad as some people…

So let me tell you a little story about a Three-Headed SheBeast named KriStasstie – if that sounds like a very weird food served in an eastern European prison, or a disease you probably do not want to contract from a monkey, well, it’s not far off.

This is the story about three women who have absolutely NO IDEA how unimportant their opinions are, and their self-aggrandized delusions about their amazing friendships are, well, sad. Really sad. Thank goodness we have the ‘boyfriend stealing’ Ariana Madix, of the dewy mermaid skin and evil eye to put them in their place. And their place is out by the dumpsters at SUR. Who knows…they may even be puking in them.

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