Kyle & Noon

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My, how far we’ve come in just two months – or for these couples, ninety days! Unexpected twists and turns, with a little sketchy behavior thrown in for good measure, have followed each couple since their K-1 Visa clocks began ticking. From roach infested hovels, true love has bloomed. Bank accounts were drained dry, and evil prenups were signed. Dancers turned Mormon, and Mark turned our stomachs. But poor, brow-beaten Alexei did not turn into a model! So, all is not lost! This week marks the end of our 90-Day Fiance journey, where we find out if the remaining couples will indeed make it to the altar. (Post-show, the cast gathered for a “Couples Tell All” reunion, which we aren’t recapping. But sound off below about your thoughts on the whole shebang! It’s been quite a ride.)

Mark is preparing a dinner for Nikki’s 20th birthday. So, no longer a teen bride! They’re leaving for Hawaii the next day to get married, so Mark wants to make sure Nikki eats food laced with plenty of Benadryl is in good spirits before their big day. Mark’s daughter, Elise, comes over to wish Nikki happy birthday, and to be skeeved out about Nikki only being one year younger than her. Still reeling from the forced prenup, Nikki is in no mood for Make Party Time, but she rallies for dinner. Elise asks if they’re excited for the wedding? Marks answer is: “Whelp, for all practical purposes, Nikki and I have enjoyed each other’s company, and it feels like a marriage.” #RomeoInMomJeans 

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Our K1 Visa is almost up, folks! On this week’s special 2-hour episode of 90-Day Fiance, the couples find their impending doom wedding days drawing closer, and this sh*t is getting really…realLoren’s world, in which Alexei is currently taking up precious closet space, is all about her bachelorette party right now. Her friend, Sarah, and other gals are flying in to take Loren out for some drunken debauchery before the Big Day. Alexei is not thrilled with the prospect of his fiance turnt up and on the loose, noting that “drunk girls aren’t very smart.”

Sarah doesn’t do a stellar job of reassuring a nervous Alexei. She doesn’t like his sour demeanor, but on the plus side, she’s glad he’s tall! Loren promises to behave herself, but Alexei warns, “No strippers!” before she leaves anyway. Alexei says he trusts Loren, but his imagination is getting the best of him in this situation. My imagination is getting the best of me too as I picture Loren and 1,000 screeching girls taking over everyone’s favorite bar with glow sticks, toilet-paper veils, and penis-straws. Then getting promptly kicked out. 

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This week’s 90-Day Fiance should be titled: I’m Marrying a Weird Guy. Which is, verbatim, what 19-year old Nikki says when asked about her 58-year old fiance Mark. Should we just end the recap there? It says it all, really. Nah. Let’s go ahead and hop on this crazy train and see where it heads! 

Feeling alone and adrift, Nikki needs to get out of Mark’s 1980s shrine to his first wife house, so she calls the only other person she knows in the US: Mark’s 21-year old daughter, Elise. Being a good sport is what Elise does best, apparently, because she agrees to go shopping with Nikki for some girl time, and some girl talk. They are, after all, the same age. And they both think Dad is possibly a few fruit loops short of a full bowl. After the gals giggle over a tragic macrame dress in a local shop that could pass for beach wedding dress, a clerk asks Nikki if she plans on a beach wedding? Stumped, Nikki plays possum while Elise jumps in: “They’re not quite sure…yet.” The innocent clerk asks Nikki if she’s marrying her best friend? Nikki’s facial expression is like, please b*tch. Followed by the most honest answer we’ve heard from any of these couples yet. “I’m marrying a weird guy,” she deadpans. Three cheers for Nikki! 

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The clock is ticking on each couple’s short window of time on 90-Day Fiance as they plumb the very shallow depths of how well – or how little – they know each other before walking down the aisle. This week’s episode gives us another glimpse into the vast expanse of years that stretches between 58-year old Mark and 19-year old Nikki, who face an awkward conversation in front of Mark’s family about future kids…or lack thereof. Speaking of kids, I’ll start this recap with a quote from my 5-year old daughter as she watched literally 30 seconds of a sneak peek of this episode: “Why does that girl want to marry her grandpa?” she wondered. Yip. Mommy doesn’t know, honey. But let’s find out! #mouthsofbabes #kindergartenwisdom  

Nikki is not feeling well, but Mark is hopeful she’ll rally to come dine with Mark’s sister, niece, and nephew, who are visiting for breakfast. Mark says Nikki has “put him on notice;” she wants him to spend more time with her and less time talking creepily about his ex-wife working. He’s crossing his fingers that he can make her happy, and apparently, his master plan includes pancakes!

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On this week’s 90-Day Fiance, battle lines are being drawn. Loren and Alexei, who’s just flown to Florida from Israel, move in with Loren’s parents (for reasons that are still somewhat clear as mud), but Loren isn’t so sure she’s ready to make space in her closet for Alexei yet. Um, what about space in her life? As a travel-weary Alexei tries to settle in while Loren yips and giggles at him about “invading her space!” he makes it plain that he is not up for this sort of forced banter yet, ultimately throwing his bags wherever he pleases before sitting down to have a drink with Loren’s parents. 

Loren’s father isn’t thrilled that Alexei is sharing a room with his daughter just beyond the paper walls of their shared condo, so he uncomfortably lays down the laws of his land: he doesn’t want to see It or hear It. “It” being nookie, they presume. That is all. Welcome home, Alexei! Drink up, dude. 

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On this week’s 90-Day Fiance, the clock is ticking on each couple’s 90-day race to the altar, and the harsh tones of reality are setting in. For Mark and Nikki, this reality involves the fact that Mark is nearly a retiree while Nikki is a teenager. This is apparently news to Mark, who doesn’t seem to understand why Nikki isn’t thrilled with the idea of rising early in order to pull yard weeds. I mean, wasn’t that your dream at 19?

Nikki sleeps late most days, which irritates Mark whose prostate wakes him up before dawn. So, he’s come up with a solution: blowing a train whistle at the bottom of the stairs to awaken his bride-to-be! Nikki is not pleased with this method, noting it feels like she is being treated like a child. (Or an animal, one might argue, as most parents don’t unleash the train whistle on their sleeping kid unless that kid has maybe just returned from juvie!) 

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Woohoo! Reality Tea has gotten our K1 Visa approved to recap everyone’s favorite TLC trainwreck of a show: 90 Day Fiance! I got sucked into this unbelievably addictive show last season, and am already yelling at my TV each Sunday night (don’t judge!) as we wade into the season ahead, which promises to bring us more true love stories mixed up with a healthy dose of delusion, disillusionment, and grifting (can anyone say: Mohammed from season 2?). Let’s meet our players for season 3: Melanie and Devar, Mark and Nikki, Josh and Aleksandra, Loren and Alexei, Fernando and Carolina, and Kyle and Noon. Each of these couples must go through the process of bringing their non-US citizen fiancé to the country on a K1 Visa, which gives them exactly 90 days to get married. Let the countdown begin!

In episodes 1 and 2, we were introduced to almost all of the couples (at least in part), with the exception of Fernando and Carolina, who we’ll learn more about tonight. But before then, we pick up with possibly the most disturbing duo of all: 58-year old Mark and 19-year old Filipino native, Nikki. Mark raised four children on his own after his ex-wife, also Filipino, abandoned them years ago. So, he’s looking for love again…with a girl woman who is younger than all of his children, and could even be his grandchild. Mark’s daughter, Elise, thinks he should have a problem with this small little detail. Because she sure does.  

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