Last night on Real Housewives of Miami bridges to the past were burned as everyone focused on getting over it, moving forward, and embracing the positive. Except for Lenny Hochstein – he embraced the liposuction and actualized his dream of looking like Romain Zago of being a swimsuit model.
Things begin with Adriana de Moura and Joanna Krupa meeting for breakfast to discuss why they hate each other. Joanna stuck to non-alcoholic beverages and that ensured that no eggs were thrown in anyone's face (boring!) despite Adriana being an hour late. In the end Adriana apologizes for calling Joanna "Ho-anna" and insinuating she was an escort, although she tries to blame the whole thing on Lea Black! All is good… for now! Personally I don't know how Joanna resisted the urge to knock that goofy white hat off Adriana's head.
A Housewife will hawk just about anything! From cookbooks to hair care, these ladies are all about putting their name on a product. However, what about the stuff that they use before they put their names on something? When fans compliment these women on their hair or their skin or their donkey booty, the housewives got these from a particular product…and not one that they created themselves!
It's only after they are recognized for this attribute that some handler believes it's a good idea for said housewife to create her own line of butt-lifting underwear/press-on nails/horse shampoo/insert product here. Am I right? Let's take Lisa Hochstein from Real Housewives of Miami, shall we?
Apparently while many of us struggle to pay rent, some of us struggle to find ways to spend our money. Oh to be a Real Housewife of Miami!
Lisa Hochstein found true love when she received her first Birkin and she's been on a path to reclaim that feeling ever since. In her embarrassingly gushing sollioquy espousing the glory that is Hermes last night she bounced up and down like a five-year-old in a candy store at the thought of amassing more of these glorious $20,000 creatures. They are, after all, so rare that every Housewife in every city owns like 9 of them. #Firkin
In a new blog, Fembot continues her Birkin lovefest. Does she think Hermes will pony up a free bag if she praises them enough? "Lea [Black]and I both love Birkins. She is a seasoned collector," Lisa begins, wishing upon wishes that she were Lea Black instead of upstart Lisa Hochstein.
"I know it sounds ridiculous to spend that kind of money on a handbag, but I like to look at them as an investment. They hold their value forever if you take good care of them," Lisa explains. How about looking at a college degree as an investment? "Although I have no intention of ever selling my Birkins, many times they are resold for a much higher price." Oh – well good to know. In fact, that's how she can get more. Screw the waiting list and offer to pay off some of the other Housewives debt in exchange for one of their old Birkins!
I dunno… maybe Real Housewives of Miami is growing on me. It's so… glossy. I mean, I'm a girl who loves a soap opera and since reality TV is just as staged and melodramatic as Revenge, why not amp up the glamour and make it look as glossy as Revenge. Although if Emily Thorne ever sports leopard print tuxedo trousers with a neon racing stripe Imma have serious issues.
So last night the bionic blonde trio of Lea Black, Joanna Krupa, and Fembot Fakenstein traveled to LA for a little wedding planning. You wouldda thought it was the first time these broads had been on an airplane before with all the handycam footage they were shooting. Lisa gleefully popped a tranquilizer of some sort then put both legs behind her head contortionist style and bragged that Lenny really likes that move. Um… I have never seen an adult woman that flexible – even in yoga – did she get her hipbones removed or something? Is she entirely made of high-grade silicone. She's definitely a fembot.
Then they arrive at Joanna's LA home, which is really pretty. Lisa looses track of her giant suitcase, which weighs approximately double what she does even when she wears 7" platforms. It starts rolling away from her down the driveway. She takes off after it fearing for the life of her Louboutins and ends up in the street desperately tripping over the giant thing. That was seriously the funniest scene I've ever seen on this show. It was classic and adorable.
Poor Lea Black has found herself in an unfortunate Housewives tableau: the most popular Housewife from any given show inevitably gets turned on by cast members/former friends angry that they're not getting a bigger piece of the popularity pie!
This season Lea is getting some hot and spicy mean girl served up in the form of Adriana de Moura, who obviously is hoping to distract from her own grifter lying ways by trying to make Lea look bad. It's a familiar story in the Housewives Kingdom. Responding to Adriana's rudeness and accusations in the last episode of Real Housewives of Miami, Lea denies lying about her marriage and claims she is absolutely not out to destroy her former BFFL!
"No, I didn't put an article in the paper about Adriana's marriage license. That has been proven over and over again. The original source was someone on Twitter who has subsequently acknowledged breaking the story," Lea begins in her Bravo blog. And true – that is where the original story came from – just ask us as we were right thick in the middle of it!
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was all about mama drama. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team and go to an evil haunted mansion filled with the ghosts of friendship's (kitchen's) past. Or a Russian grocery store with the living embodiment of Julia Child's voice.
Things began last night with Lisa Hochstein's everlasting nightmare; an unpleasant reminder of the things we do for money… errrrr… I mean love. And boobs! Lisa's inlaws are in town and her mother-in-law, Marina, lives to torture her.
Marina doesn't appreciate Fembot's fully constructed fabulosity. If only she had read that instruction manual Lenny faxed over, but Marina doesn't do new-fangled. She also doesn't understand what exactly Fembot does. I mean she doesn't work and she just swans around advertising her son's reconstruction prowess. Was anyone else aware that Lenny was the best plastic surgeon in the world?!
Anyway, Lisa's other major drawback is that she doesn't cook and she's not Russian. Score 0 for the daughter-in-law from Canada! Among the many ways Marina tries to destroy Fembot is by force feeding her fried fish. The horror had Lisa needing Xanax and colonics for weeks. Fembot wonders if Marina will ever like her, but you can tell she really doesn't care! Nor does Marina for that matter, who still believes she runs the show. All shows. Maybe she should take over Bravo.
Last night Lea hosted her annual The Black Gala and while things were a little more lackluster than usual in the auction department the drama surrounding the grand affair more than compensated. That and the diamonds of course! While the so-called "Cubans" are anything but Lea's besties, diamonds will always and forever be a Housewife's best friends, borrowed or no!
So Lea is hosting her big event, but most of the girls are playing hookie to go to something called Gay Polo. Gay Polo is polo, but there's tigers (and cougars) and leprechauns. Adriana de Moura and Marysol Patton were making a big, ginormous deal out of it like it was some spectacular extravaganza and Prince Harry was going to come out wearing nothing but a loin cloth and some body paint reading Kiss Me, I'm Gay. He's not gay, obviously, but he is hot and exciting. And he plays polo!
In this week's episode Lisa Hochstein found herself in the middle of drama galore with Adriana de Moura and Lea Black. In order to try and sway her loyalty Adriana asked Lisa to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. Meanwhile poor Lisa is also confused about why all of the sudden Lea is the Devil of Miami instead of the Mayor of Miami!