Lifetime

Have y'all missed Cathy and the Candy Apples?  Abby Lee Miller certainly has not, and we got to hear all about it on last night's Dance Moms.  Is it just me, or has this been like the longest season in the show's history?  Geez Louise!

After touting her recital as a raving success, Abby goes straight into the pyramid.  Not surprisingly, Paige is on the bottom for not participating, followed by sister Brooke.  Abby rants on about how she was giving Brooke the opportunity to resurrect her old song, but that Kelly loves to thwart her daughters' happiness at every turn.  Kelly, Brooke, and Paige are not in attendance.  Surprisingly, Asia is after Brooke, and for once, Jill and Christi may get to see more tears (they love when Asia cries, don't they?).  Asia will never be allowed to dress herself after that backwards pants fiasco.  Nia rounds out the bottom for just being mediocre, and Holly speaks up that Abby never gives her daughter extra time.

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So, last night was the big recital for Abby Lee Miller's studio, and while y'all deserve a better intro, I'm kind of baffled/saddened/confused about what happened on last night's Dance Moms.  Let's just get on with the recap, shall we?

The girls are preparing for the ALDC annual dance concert.  Abby allows her girls to be slightly thrilled for their group dance victory last week before announcing Paige as the bottom of the pyramid.  She makes Paige share why she's at the bottom…and it's for a minute mistake in the group routine.  Kelly is livid.  Maddie gets praised for a costume mishap, and her daughter is the lowest of the low for coming out of a turn too soon.  Kelly says as much, and Abby is irate.  To make her point, she makes Maddie drop and give her twenty push-ups to "appease" Kelly.  That is horrible.  Kelly's beef is with Abby, not with Maddie, and it's sick to see how Abby tries make alienate Maddie from her peers.

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You know, I'd really been so sick of watching Candy Apples and comedian chatter that I was actually looking forward to having the old gang return on last night's Dance Moms…that was until I watched!  I feel so horribly about how those poor girls are treated!

Abby Lee Miller is back in Pennsylvania, and she bragging all about judging Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition.  She chastises all the girls–well, except for Maddie, of course–who didn't come visit her while in Los Angeles, and she reminds her students that she has the attendance rosters so she knows who was slacking off and who was actually practicing.  Christi explains that the moms (minus Melissa, obviously) made a pact not to send their girls to the West Coast competition.

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Whether the newly coined Dance Moms Chatter needed another hour is irrelevant…we were treated to one last night nonetheless.  Abby Lee Miller joins the stage with Jeff Collins, and all I can focus on is how far Jeff has come since his timid, uptight, conservative-suited self started this hosting gig.  Look at him!  He's wearing purple gingham, a skinny tie, a blazer and dark washed jeans.  Dare I say he's even colored his hair?  Go Jeff.

Abby waxes on and on about how she always knew she had a gift for costumes and choreography and telling stories through dance while giving up high school reunions and a social life and being kind for the sake of her students.  Major sacrifices, y'all!  A former Ugly Betty star and a Dance Moms blogger (who is clearly more loved by Lifetime than this girl) join Abby and Jeff, and we're treated to parental meltdowns from seasons past.  They are really taking clips from the vault, aren't they?

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Blah, blah, blah….that's what comes to mind when I hear the title of the latest Dance Moms special Dance Moms Chatter.  Jeff Collins returns to mediate (is he wearing pink pants?  Props!) an hour of filler that promises Kelly and Christi drama, comediennes, and drunk fans (turns out they were one and the same).  Jeff revisits the breakdown in Kelly and Christi's friendship, and Kelly admits that she has a hard time letting people into her life.  Likewise, Christi knows that it's going to take a long time to regain her former bestie's trust.

Two super fans/comediennes join Kelly and Christi on stage.  As the four women share cosmos, Christi wouldn't mesh well with the super fans who hope their kids are never more than mediocre.  They don't want their entire lives to revolve around their children's after-school activities.  Kelly reminds the super fans that their kids would fit right in with her daughters as Abby Lee Miller is constantly reminding her that her girls are average.

I notice that Christi's hair is the same color as Jeff's pants–it's got a pink tint…or is that my television?  We are treated to a montage of all the moms yelling and bickering at some point during the franchise (there is no cohesiveness or chronology in this special), and Christi takes the opportunity to take digs at Kristie 2.0.  Kelly reveals that it was Asia that dubbed the original Christi as "Fat Christi."  Out of the mouths of babes…

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Two weeks in a row without Abby Lee Miller is my idea of a nice vacation…if the show isn't on for me to recap.  However, two weeks with minimal Abby on Dance Moms while Cathy and her Candy Apples take the stage?  No thanks.  It puts me to sleep just thinking about it.

Maddie is in Los Angeles to perform on Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition.  Abby thinks its so wonderful of Maddie to take advantage of the networking opportunity that this situation will provide for her.

We get about fifteen seconds of Maddie's rehearsal before we're stuck back in Ohio with Cathy and her apples.  Cathy has abandoned the pyramid scheme she stole from Abby in exchange for an "apple tree."  So basically, it's a pyramid of apples.  So glad to see someone at Cathy's studio has mastered clip art.  We're treated to a montage of the newbies talking about what a positive learning environment Cathy's studio is while reshowing the clip from Abby's UDC where she calls Hadley "roadkill."

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Gahhh!  I hate, hate, HATE to admit it, but I missed the craziness that only Abby Lee Miller and her nemesis mothers can bring to Dance Moms.  As much as I usually deplore their awful behavior, it's ten times better than watching a show centered around the snooze-worthy Candy Apples.  Who's with me?  I know, I know.  I'm a total hypocrite.

Abby is in Los Angeles looking for property for a new studio space.  She plans to install silks (the mounted scarf like apparatus for lyrical dancers…think Cirque) so that her new dancers can have a leg up on competitors.  Abby is really thinking of a permanent move, and she's convinced that Melissa would make sure that Maddie and MacKenzie followed her West.  As for her other dancers…who needs 'em?  She's already setting the stage for next season's Dance Moms: L.A.  Help us!

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