Lifetime

I'm not going to lie, I didn't miss Abby Lee Miller one bit on last night's Dance Moms.  Of course, I could have done without Leslie as well.  I guess you really can't have it all!

Abby is missing in action, but thankfully her best choreographers are prepared to teach the girls the group number.  With Abby not around to delegate solos, the mothers are up at arms about who is most deserving.  First up, Jill and 2.0 are cussing and giving each other the hand and dropping f-bombs all over the viewing room.  Keep it classy, moms!

In the studio, Abby's employees are working on a newly minted group routine…while hoping they won't get fired.  Christi takes the opportunity to call Kelly and tell her that now it the perfect time for Kelly to bring her girls to dance.  In her mind, if Brooke and Paige are still on the pyramid, they are still on the team.  Leslie is livid that Kelly's involvement could jeopardize Payton's spot on the team.  Kelly arrives and instructor Gianna allows Brooke and Paige to join the group.  She's too stressed to deal with extra mama drama.

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Last night's Dance Moms saw Abby Lee Miller's Broadway Baby return from the dead.  It was frightening.  Even more frightening?  Kelly creepily lurking in the auditorium during this week's competition.  That's right…the season (which has been going on for years now, right?) doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon!

Abby is still basking in her victory over Kathy and her Candy Apples.  She calls the group routine amazing and praises Payton's desire to be part of the team.  Abby spouts on and on about how even the Supremes and the Beatles had to replace members at some point…which brings her to the bottom of the pyramid.  It's no shock that Brooke and Paige at the bottom.  They are followed by Payton for her smart mouth during the competition.  Leslie snaps that Abby needs to call Payton by her name, and not get her confused with Kendall or Brooke.  Abby quips that she's happy to call Payton "replaceable."  Asia and MacKenzie round out the bottom level, and Abby is proud of their performance in the group number.  Kristie 2.0 is livid that MacKenzie is one spot higher than Asia.

Chloe is the bottom of the second tier, and Abby basically tells her that them's the breaks…she did a good job, but whatevs.  Maddie is next on the pyramid because Abby is concerned that if she keeps winning all the time, she'll lose her hunger.  Abby is also getting tired of seeing the same faraway and melancholy facial expressions from Maddie each week.  Kendall is in the second spot because of her mom's gumption when standing up to Kathy and her crazy apple moms.  Can it be?  Dare I hope?  YES!  Nia is finally at the top of the pyramid!  Abby reveals that Nia gained the coveted spot because she was the only dancer who asked Abby how she could improve after the competition.  She is over the mood.

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Have y'all missed Cathy and the Candy Apples?  Abby Lee Miller certainly has not, and we got to hear all about it on last night's Dance Moms.  Is it just me, or has this been like the longest season in the show's history?  Geez Louise!

After touting her recital as a raving success, Abby goes straight into the pyramid.  Not surprisingly, Paige is on the bottom for not participating, followed by sister Brooke.  Abby rants on about how she was giving Brooke the opportunity to resurrect her old song, but that Kelly loves to thwart her daughters' happiness at every turn.  Kelly, Brooke, and Paige are not in attendance.  Surprisingly, Asia is after Brooke, and for once, Jill and Christi may get to see more tears (they love when Asia cries, don't they?).  Asia will never be allowed to dress herself after that backwards pants fiasco.  Nia rounds out the bottom for just being mediocre, and Holly speaks up that Abby never gives her daughter extra time.

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So, last night was the big recital for Abby Lee Miller's studio, and while y'all deserve a better intro, I'm kind of baffled/saddened/confused about what happened on last night's Dance Moms.  Let's just get on with the recap, shall we?

The girls are preparing for the ALDC annual dance concert.  Abby allows her girls to be slightly thrilled for their group dance victory last week before announcing Paige as the bottom of the pyramid.  She makes Paige share why she's at the bottom…and it's for a minute mistake in the group routine.  Kelly is livid.  Maddie gets praised for a costume mishap, and her daughter is the lowest of the low for coming out of a turn too soon.  Kelly says as much, and Abby is irate.  To make her point, she makes Maddie drop and give her twenty push-ups to "appease" Kelly.  That is horrible.  Kelly's beef is with Abby, not with Maddie, and it's sick to see how Abby tries make alienate Maddie from her peers.

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You know, I'd really been so sick of watching Candy Apples and comedian chatter that I was actually looking forward to having the old gang return on last night's Dance Moms…that was until I watched!  I feel so horribly about how those poor girls are treated!

Abby Lee Miller is back in Pennsylvania, and she bragging all about judging Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition.  She chastises all the girls–well, except for Maddie, of course–who didn't come visit her while in Los Angeles, and she reminds her students that she has the attendance rosters so she knows who was slacking off and who was actually practicing.  Christi explains that the moms (minus Melissa, obviously) made a pact not to send their girls to the West Coast competition.

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Whether the newly coined Dance Moms Chatter needed another hour is irrelevant…we were treated to one last night nonetheless.  Abby Lee Miller joins the stage with Jeff Collins, and all I can focus on is how far Jeff has come since his timid, uptight, conservative-suited self started this hosting gig.  Look at him!  He's wearing purple gingham, a skinny tie, a blazer and dark washed jeans.  Dare I say he's even colored his hair?  Go Jeff.

Abby waxes on and on about how she always knew she had a gift for costumes and choreography and telling stories through dance while giving up high school reunions and a social life and being kind for the sake of her students.  Major sacrifices, y'all!  A former Ugly Betty star and a Dance Moms blogger (who is clearly more loved by Lifetime than this girl) join Abby and Jeff, and we're treated to parental meltdowns from seasons past.  They are really taking clips from the vault, aren't they?

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Blah, blah, blah….that's what comes to mind when I hear the title of the latest Dance Moms special Dance Moms Chatter.  Jeff Collins returns to mediate (is he wearing pink pants?  Props!) an hour of filler that promises Kelly and Christi drama, comediennes, and drunk fans (turns out they were one and the same).  Jeff revisits the breakdown in Kelly and Christi's friendship, and Kelly admits that she has a hard time letting people into her life.  Likewise, Christi knows that it's going to take a long time to regain her former bestie's trust.

Two super fans/comediennes join Kelly and Christi on stage.  As the four women share cosmos, Christi wouldn't mesh well with the super fans who hope their kids are never more than mediocre.  They don't want their entire lives to revolve around their children's after-school activities.  Kelly reminds the super fans that their kids would fit right in with her daughters as Abby Lee Miller is constantly reminding her that her girls are average.

I notice that Christi's hair is the same color as Jeff's pants–it's got a pink tint…or is that my television?  We are treated to a montage of all the moms yelling and bickering at some point during the franchise (there is no cohesiveness or chronology in this special), and Christi takes the opportunity to take digs at Kristie 2.0.  Kelly reveals that it was Asia that dubbed the original Christi as "Fat Christi."  Out of the mouths of babes…

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