Lifetime

Dance Moms: Miami is still living up to its initial hype, for me at least.  I love the Victor/Angel good cop/bad cop dynamic, and once again, the dancers prove that they are way more capable of maturity, class, and kindness than their bat poo crazy mothers.

We resume with the ever ominous list.  Even though the group out-performed everyone, it’s not enough for Victor and Angel.  Despite a second place finish, Lucas is on top.  A proud Kimmy takes the second spot for remembering choreography, and, more importantly, having the least crazy mother.  Even though Sammy placed first in the solo performance, she’s in the third position.  A smug Sammy is confused.  Jessi’s mother is already crying knowing her daughter’s near the bottom.  Victor reminds her that a reputation takes a second to destroy and months to rebuild.  Remember that, poor sport!  Debi is upset that Hannah had her best dance yet but still ends up at the bottom.

The crew is heading back to California.  How do I become the child of a Dance Mom?  I would like to traipse around the country each week, despite my fear of flying.  Lucas and Kimmy are granted solos.  Sammy is given a solo by Victor, accompanied by harsh words from Angel.  Neither Jessi nor Hannah will be dancing solos.  The group dance is a deep, contemporary number based in each dancers’ insecurities.

Angel is shocked at how nice the moms are being towards one another.  He cites that there must have been a special on booze at the liquor store.  Man, I love him.  Of course, by nice, he means the mothers are passive aggressively complimenting their counterparts…make that their counterparts’ children.  Victor and Angel tap into the crews’ insecurities.  Are they licensed therapists?  The kids are crying about how small and ugly and imperfect they feel, and it pretty much all goes straight back to how their moms behave.  The moms are proud…yet Susan thinks that Sammy isn’t quite deserving a three-run solo.  Even the normally calm Bridgette calls out Abby on her cockiness surrounding her daughter.  So basically, the insecurity exercise works on the kids, yet it ignites the moms.  The moms, sans Abby, go to on a group bathroom outing, which all girls know is code for major gossip time.

The troupe practices purging their insecurities through dance.  After Debi was excited to see Abby finally treated as the outsider, she is perturbed to see Bridgette approaching Abby to apologize.  Bridgette is convinced that Debi manipulated the women to find fault with Abby, mother to Sammy, who, may I remind you, is a child and also Debi’s nemesis—not Debi’s daughter’s nemesis, but Debi’s nemesis.  The only issue Hannah and Sammy seem to have is that their mothers want them to hate each other.

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After the second episode of Dance Moms: Miami, I must stick to my brazen statement that I like this one more than the original.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Abby Lee and the crew, but that was just a crazy dance instructor and some pseudo-normal moms (for the most part…for the most part).  I LOVE Victor and Angel.  I love that they are passionate about what they do, but they are not hateful and crazy—unless they are dealing with these basketcase mothers.  They blatantly call the women insane, and it is fabulous.

Last night we started with my man Lucas at the top of the list, mainly for not dropping Kimmy during the pair’s duet.  Kimmy’s mom is thrilled see her place second, although Kimmy thinks a tie would have been more appropriate.  Sammy isn’t keen on being third, and Susan is in tears that Jessi’s name must be in the bottom two.  Jessi placed second in her solo for Pete’s sake!  Hannah takes the fourth spot, even though Angel and Victor cite her improvement.  Jessi fell from the number one spot last week to last on the list.

Victor blames Jessi’s poor sportsmanship for the drastic turn of events.  She is in tears but has nothing to say for herself.  Susan is livid.  The only reason Jessi snatched the trophy out of Hannah’s hands was because Hannah wouldn’t give it to her when she asked for it.  Because that makes it all right?  The girl is fourteen-years-old having a spat with a ten-year-old?  Susan tells Debi that both of their daughters are to blame, and Debi won’t hear any of it.  The women are screaming at each other, and Angel tries to remind them that they are behaving this way in front of their children.  He refers to them as psychotic b*tches, and he is definitely on to something.  Susan takes  Jessi outside, stating that her past behavior has been an embarrassment.  Hmm…I wonder if Jessi isn’t thinking the exact same thing!  Susan instructs her to go back into the studio and apologize to Victor, Hannah, and her other fellow dancers.

The competition this week is in Long Beach, California.  The group dance is revisiting jazz-funk, and Lucas scores a solo.  Sammy and Hannah are also going to be dancing solo numbers.  Debi is so excited that Hannah will be competing against her other arch nemesis, Sammy.  The group dance centers around “party boy” Lucas, new in the city.  Jessi returns  and Angel makes her apologize to the group.  Victor comforts her because hey, she didn’t choose her cuckoo mother.  Angel thinks Victor is reinforcing bad behavior.  Susan tries to apologize to Angel, and he rakes her over the coals.  It was pretty awesome.  He makes no secret of thinking she’s five-star crazy.

After a mediocre group dance practice, Angel promises to pull out of the competition if they don’t show vast improvement.  Hannah is doing a contemporary solo.  I know nothing about dance, so while she is probably amazing, the choreography reminds me of something Chuck Norris would do.  Sammy will be dancing a jazz solo, and little Lolita is sporting some bright red lipstick.  Angel dislikes Victor’s choreography and their arguing is placing more stress on Sammy.  Lucas’ solo is entitled “I Believe in Something” and it’s lyrical.  Basically it is just a lot of sad dancing by my little Biebs.  The mothers just look on from their sofas providing meaningless commentary.  Victor declares Lucas to be “amazing.”

The jazz-funk group dance is one hot mess.  Susan thinks Victor has PMS.  Ani has no problem with Victor yelling at Kimmy.  After all, football coaches yell at their players.  This is no different.  Angel has had enough of the group being off-beat, and he dismisses them…basically stating that he can’t stand the sight of them.  Victor is peeved, as clearly they need this time to practice.  Angel wins, per the usual.

Debi’s older daughter is home from college, and Debi reveals that Abby has joined the studio.  The scandal!  Basically Hannah’s mother and sister are talking about how she wasn’t nearly as good a dancer at her old studio while talking smack about another tween.  I could maybe understand tween dissing tween, but this woman is just as ridiculous as Susan.  These ladies are clearly living vicariously through their poor daughters!

Angel tries to a team building exercise the following day where the kids basically tell each other how each feels about their fellow classmates.  The mothers look curiously from their perch on the sofas…they have never seen anything like this before.  Angel then instructs Jessi to tell her mother what Susan needs to improve upon as far as behavior.  Oh snap!

The mothers watch Hannah rehearse, and both Debi and Abby’s horns are showing.  These two dislike the others’ daughters more than the girls dislike each other…which, for the record, they seem to be fine but slightly competitive.  Sammy’s practice time is cut short due to drama between Victor and Angel.  Angel has stepped in to tweak Victor’s choreography.  It’s a good thing that Kimmy’s mom can read lips through the glass partition so that the women can follow the disagreement.

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