Dah-yum. Former Real Housewives of Miami star Ana Quincoces is clearly no longer under the muzzle of a Bravo contract, and she has a lot (and I mean A LOT to say). Whether it's dishing about her one-time co-stars or trying to set the record straight about how little she cares about her time on the show (is it weird that I actually believe her?), Ana is holding nothing back in recent post on her personal blog. Don't even get me started about what she's been unleashing on Twitter in light of the RHOM reunion! Enough fluff from me, let's get to it!
Ana begins, "First, I am not bitter that I am no longer a “housewife”. It is an unfortunate reality that this show did not perform as expected. Maybe it failed to provide that magic element that makes a show a hit. But I have been quite satisfied sitting on the sidelines. All season I felt like I had dodged a bullet, and I am grateful that my airtime was significantly reduced. Had it been up to me, I would not have appeared at all this season, particularly since I was not given a voice."
Things begin with a frazzled Lisa Hochstein fanning herself and clutching her pearls because Joanna Krupa's rabid makeup artist called her a bad, bad, BAD name which a lady shall not repeat. My stars!
The worst infraction was that Joanna was laughing – laughing! – as Lisa was maliciously attacked. I personally think the worst thing was Joanna's Miss Innocent act as if she had no clue in this world what Lisa was referring to and that she would never, ever, EVER participate in such a thing! Anyway, this crazed crotchety makeup man called Lisa a "whore" and also untalented and broke. So there's that.
In retaliation Lisa practically leaps off the sofa; her boobs threatened to spill out from the top of her dress as they trembled and clung for dear life. She's pointing and shrieking that Joanna is "Fake! FAKE, FAKE, Fake, Fake, FAKE!"
While it is sad to lose a friend, Lisa says Joanna is no friend – and never was one! "In between the wedding and the reunion, I was able to see full episodes of the show and read Joanna’s interviews in the press. It became very clear to me she was no friend of mine," Lisa explains to WetPaint.
"You know, it’s funny. In the weeks prior to the reunion, she had started really reaching out to me again," Lisa remarks. "Looking back, I think she was just trying to play me and disarm me."
As Andy Cohen exclaimed in an excited frenzy last night, "I love evidence!" So, too, do we. Which means the ladies of Real Housewives of Miami came packing with the accusations, the evidence, the wild slanderous statements, and one of the dirtiest reunion shows I've seen since Thou Show That Should Not Be Named But Has An Indicted Star And Lots Of Family Feuding. Don't want to wake the dead with that mention!
Anyway, back to the show of present. RHOM was vicious last night. Just the way we like it – crazy makeup, crazy hair, crazy girls, and tons of sequins flying out of their seats and and trying to deflect the even wilder accusations.
Everything starts out kinda OK, but then Joanna Krupa sort of slams Adriana de Moura's wedding and mentions several times that it was beautiful except for the lateness, inconvenience, lies, total disrespect for the guests, idiotic costume change, bitchy atrocious bride, and the whole no food or drink for hours thing. But the gown was gorgeous! You know all that stuff, but at least Adriana didn't look like a flamenco dancer and at least Adriana's husband wants to sleep with her so ziiing!
Lisa explains that she was looking forward to a girls weekend in Vegas and she may have gotten a little carried away. "Watching the end of this episode had me cringing with embarrassment. I definitely did not realize how much I had to drink and wish I was more self-conscious of my behavior."
She apologizes for the messy way she behaved. "This episode was definitely not my best moment on TV. I want to apologize to my husband, friends, family and fans for the way I acted during Vegas. I am human and we all make mistakes. I love to have fun, but not in that way."
Last nightJoanna Krupa made it down the aisle on Real Housewives of Miami, but not without some serious hijinks! Like oversleeping, missing her flight, and ending up on a cheeseball pseudo-dramatic roadtrip to San Diego with Lea Black driving like a bitch out of hell.
After the epic bachelorette party, Joanna leaps out of bed in full makeup only to learn that she's tragically late. She rouses the other girls, whose lack of artifice make me think that perhaps they really did over-sleep. Lisa Hochstein and Joanna have forgiven each other for their drunken whore-gument the night before. Lisa is passed out on the floor or something and has no recollection of storming off the party bus after humping the open bar. Which is for the best.
Everyone scrambles to get ready, choose the perfect accessories and 6" heels for travel, while Lea actually arranges said travel. They end up renting an SUV, getting stranded in the dessert when Fembot needs to stop to vomit up nuts, bolts, and silicone and Adriana de Moura attempts to pee against the wind in a flowy maxi dress and some serious stripper heels. Again, who wears that on a ROAD TRIP. It's called JEANS. Well at least everyone is having fun, not taking things too seriously, and joking about the drunken antics.
Since Joanna is trying to be nice she invited the entire RHOM crew, including Adriana de Moura. There were strict instructions that Adriana had to be on sedatives. Adriana's half-hearted apology to Lea Black didn't really patch things up, so they too still have an awkward tension.
Lisa is thrilled to be getting away form Lenny 'cause they're having issues and she needs to let loose and get drunk. Fembot's adventures in Vegas are a recipe for disaster! First of all, Joanna makes all the ladies fly coach, which is hilarious. Lea is scrambling to stuff one of her 6000 purses in the carry-on hold and seems on the brink of meltdown. I swear Lisa probably almost missed the flight sprinting through the airport looking for an ATM when she realized you had to pay for booze in coach!