Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills things officially went to the dark side. Kim Richards lost her marbles in a cesspool of deflection, hysterics, and venomous rage. Don’t fear the reaper, or the coming of wrinkles, fear the KimKillah – who will bring the wrinkles and the emotional eating out in force!
Can I snark at the total break from reality I just witnessed? Eh – I’m going to, so don’t you worry your pretty little heads – or you may need Botox!
As soon as the ladies check into to their Amsterdam hotel they are met by the reassuring presence of Lisa Vanderpump and Eileen Davidson, walking into the unknown pit of Kingsleys. Lisa Rinna calls them “a lifeboat.” Sadly, they will prove to be as effective as the Titanic lifeboats.
Immediately Lipsa fills them in on the time Kim ruined her experience riding on the YoDa Aeronautic Private JetPlex and she was put off the two bites of artisinal crullers she was about to indulge in – only because she heard they were artfully glazed with a natural form of botox made from a very rare fish found only in the Nile River, deep in the Heart Of Darkness. “You know,” purred Yolanda Foster, “It’s the only way I ever consume sugar.”
“It’s my party and I can be immature if I want to, bitch if I want to – you would tell lies and ruin people’s lives too if it happened to you!” So that’s the theme song for Vanderpump Rules and singing it in a beautiful, lyrical duet with perfect harmonization are Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute.
Lisa Vanderpump is ready for the annual SUR Photoshoot. To celebrate the ten-year anniversary she decides on a 50’s greaser theme, shooting at the old-fashioned Pink Motel complete with a drained cement pool, a pink Cadillac, and a whole lotta Aqua Net on display.
I love the theme, and Lisa wearing a white t-shirt, red lips, and killer 50’s cat-eye shades like the Madame of the Pink Ladies was (aka, Rizzo, after she married a rich mobster and starting running Staten Island) was amazing.
Since Super Stylist Stassi was unavailable to style people she doesn’t like, Lisa had to go ahead and hire a real professional, who can like do her job, put personal differences aside, and recognize the importance of client relations.
Our favorite reality TV stars cannot get enough of the spotlight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to social media to share even more of their lives with us. And we would not have it any other way. Here’s a roundup of some of our favorite snapshots and selfies from this week. Enjoy.
“The Fantastic Race was fun. Sort of. The idea of a scavenger hunt with teams was great and intentions were in the right place, but you let some Housewives run loose on a hot day in the streets of Beverly Hills with specific rules to follow, and sh-t is bound to hit the fan,” Lisa said about Yolanda Foster‘s scavenger hunt. “Complaints ran amok, rules were broken, a lot of dairy was consumed, and tour buses were hijacked. But what can I say other than I was more than happy and willing to support Yolanda. Congratulations to Eileen Davidson for holding her team together and pulling off the win.” No. Easy. Feat. with Kim.
Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills we dismantled the rambles of Kim Richards, warbled together with the whir of the YoDa Private Aeronautic Experience (MyLoveAir) as Kimterrorization continued. Kim really needs to come with instructions if she’s going to act like Kingsley all the time! You know what they say: like mother, like Pit Bull! I hope Lisa Rinna brought her Louis Vuitton bodybag with her on this trip, because the way things are going – someone is gonna need it! Especially since the Fosters definitely roll gangsta in the trip department – shi, shi, shi!
Before we hit the high airs to Amsterdam, Yolanda Foster hosts a scavenger hunt around Beverly Hills. You would think an event about competitive shopping would be fun for our ladies, but Yo had to go ahead and ruin it by forcing them to wear sneakers and drink a milkshake.
Yolanda had custom made “Dream Team” t-shirts in a variety of colors for the ladies,. including extra-special throwback Camille Grammer, who was scoring points based on most pernicious behavior. Naturally Brandi Glanville was the champion of the world.
Referring to Kyle’s relationship with Brandi as coming “full circle,” Lisa is sympathetic to how that is negatively affecting things with Kim. “I understand clearly that she is having a troubled time reconciling the demise of her relationship with Brandi and the closeness between her sister and Brandi. It was all was a little difficult to digest,” says the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills star.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules lies flowed as precipitously as questions of truth and all converged together at the mouth of a river named Jax Taylor. Or something like that…
While Scheana Marie is on a blissful honeymoon in Hawaii, back home at SUR (SUR is a city now) things are erupting into a civil war – a civil war that is the opposite of civil, of course.
Kristen Doute has been “blowing up” Jax’s phone with texts and phone calls insisting he tell “the truth” about Tom Sandoval and “Miami Girl.” Once, a very long time ago, when Jax was trying to look like boyfriend of the year to future pizza parlor dumpee Carmen Dickman, he disclosed to Kristen and Carmen that the tabloid stories were true: Tom 1 did play three minutes in heaven? hell? with Miami Girl. Jax has been trying to retract it ever since; putting Kristen off, telling her to leave him out of it and deal with it on her own.
But Kristen has been using this statement to zealously fuel her fervor. It has stoked her loins with future retribution, the little talisman she has carried deep in her heart, that there is a way to weasel in between the home wrecking hussy Ariana Madix and Tom’s future and re-seize him for her demented little self. You think I am exaggerating, but Kristen is like Golum with the ring in Lord Of The Rings.