Last night things were starting to settle in on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Everything that is except Carlton Gebbia who really cannot f–king deal with anyone and is over everything. Oh and Brandi Glanville's face – that's not settling either. She better watch it or she'll be turning into her arch-nemesis Adrienne Maloof!
Unfortunately the show began on a sour note. Poor Yolanda Foster is bravely taking us through her health journey battling Lyme Disease, which sounds horrible. I am seriously never going into the woods again. No, No, No!
Lemanda is undergoing surgery to remove a tube that sends antibiotics straight to her bloodstream and to celebrate she's doing a master cleanse instead of having a drink. I will never understand - pass me the alcohol! Gawd, do I sound like Brandi. #EpicFail. Even Yolanda's housekeeper is master cleansing and dividing all the lemonstrocity juice into a million Fuji bottles. Lemon does know how bad that is for the environment, right?
This season on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the tables are turning for Lisa Vanderpump. Meaning no one likes her. Rumor had it the isolation and ostracization became so intense Lisa was threatening to quit the show! No amount of money could get me to hang out with Splits!
Lisa heartily denies the rumor, insisting. “If I quit, you will hear the words right out of my mouth or I have been fired.”
Furthermore she doesn't even know what she would quit, even if she wanted to! "There are all these rumors but there is nothing to quit. We are not in production — they don’t even start production until next year,” Lisaexplained to E! Online.
And Vanderfabulous is back with a vengeance! Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'Lisa Vanderpump is tired of being accused of being the secret mouthpiece of the 'loids, and can you blame her? If I had to drink every time Kyle Richards insinuated that Lisa's smiling joke delivery was really the most vicious insult ever, I would've passed out before the first episode was even half over!
In her Bravo blog this week, Lisa addresses the tabloid rumors that follow the ladies of Bravo to no end while hinting that she should have been more in tune to how concerned Kyle was about Yolonda Foster's alleged lie. She even manages to get in a few very veiled digs at Splits too, which I absolutely love. Is she throwing shade? It's so subtle I can't tell! Lisa begins with Kyle's Chamber of Commerce party, writing, "Kyle had asked me to cater an event for her. It isn't something we often do — to take our chef away from the restaurant. Transporting the food and staff is just too complicated to ever be worthwhile. While I am there, Kyle brings up the fact that there have been stories created about her being pregnant. I also mentioned that I had seen the articles about Mauricio cheating. I would prefer face-to-face to acknowledge them, and then in the same breath ridicule the constant nonsense that is often in these tabloids.
Aaaaahhhh Kyle Richards. Good ole' Splits, she obviously takes the lessons of Mean Girls' head bitchtress Regina George as gospel because she's starting off this season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on the wrong Louboutin-clad foot!
Kyle admits that things with Lisa Vanderpump were rocky and she was anxious to once again try to work past their issues – until Lisa's Louboutin clad-food crossed the line! Lisa and Kyle had "not spoken since the Reunion last year" when they met in her kitchen to discuss the most illustrious parties to end all illustrious amazing parties: the Chamber of Commerce fete! All hail the great excitement capitulators in grey suits and one Kyle clad in a too-tight bumblebee dress!
"The accusations hurled at Mauricio were so offensive and calculated that there really wasn't anything to say. I said how I felt at the reunion and left it at that," Kyleexplains in her Bravo Blog.
"We have all had lies printed about us and we all know that when you are on a reality show and putting your lives out there this can happen. But we also know that the last thing we would want to do is bring it up to give these lies a platform and make us relive this again in six months — which is what I am having to do now."
I guess if we have to live in a world where attention seekers are rewarded for bad behavior and outrageous shenanigans, I may as well be entertained by them, right? And I definitely find Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'Brandi Glanville to be, um, entertaining.
While Brandi's certainly not the reality star I'd want to hang out with on a regular basis (but should Theresa Caputo, Curtis Stone, orLisa Vanderpump feel so inclined…call me!), she is crass and sassy which are two of the characteristics I'm drawn to in friends. She isn't afraid to let it all hang out (literally…how could you forget this?) in the Twitterverse, her best-selling book, and now her online podcast aptly titled Brandi Glanville Unfiltered. Bravo breaks down her premiere episode where she shares several revelations ranging from taking a copycat Kim Kardashianbooty-bearing selfie to having high cholesterol from her diet.
Getting down to the business of things like say, Chamber of Commerce parties, Yolanda wonders what Kyle Richards' motives for cozying up to Lisa Vanderpump are especially since Kyle doesn't seem to think too kindly of her former friend.
"It’s nice to see Kyle in her store and working to succeed in the Beverly Hills business world. It didn’t seem like she quite understood the purpose of the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce," Yolanda begins in her Bravo Blog.
"There are so many catering services in this town. The fact that she is choosing to hire Lisa’s restaurant, SUR, to do her party is once again a clear example of first degree ass kissing and maybe the greatest lie of all! Even her own daughter is pointing this out to her. What kind of message does that send to her children? She belittles Lisa and then turns around and pretends nothing ever happened. It’s all so fake and confusing to me." O-U-C-H.
Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. Everyone on this show needs a Lysol bath and a therapist for their narcissism.
Stassi Schroeder, Princess of Booze, Bitchiness, and Over-inflated Egos, has not changed one bit! She is now on a quest for world domination, something she plans to write the POTUS about. Stassi wants to make it a law that she has a pet zombie. I thought Jax Taylor was her pet zombie?
Jax is still in loooourve with Stassi, but doing everything humanly (and zombie-ly) possible to screw it up. All Jax's groveling and begging her dad for forgiveness doesn't count if he's still planning on dipping his wick in the non-insane bitch ladies pool!
Other than JaxAssi acting JaxAssi-ish, Scheana Marie has gone full-fledged SWF nutty! Let's talk about her, shall we? In the off-season Scheana has devoted every moment of her life to worshippingLisa Vanderpump and replacing Brandi as the object of Lisa's maternal affections. Can't Giggy have a baby already? Scheana has also decided Pandora is her BFF - and even better, they share a birthday.