Last night tables turned wildly onVanderpump Rules when one drunken girl proved that loose lips do in fact sink friendships of convenience with co-workers you don't really like!
Before any of that happens we are treated to the tragic sighting of Stassi Schroeder's a$$. No, no I didn't write "Stassi being an a$$" or "Stassi is an a$$", but literally Stassi's a$$. She spread her cheeks for a bikini waxing. Decency is dead, folks! Apparently the best way to cleanse yourself of the ex you don't really want back but want to keep manipulating is to go hairless!
Stassi makes Katie Maloney go with her but Katie has never waxed. Katie never will again. It's taken me forever to figure out why Katie, whom I refer to as Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No. 1, would dye her hair that unflattering color – and then it hit me. She's literally trying to be Stassi. Same hair style (but shorter), same side part, same color-ish, same mean girl antics. #FalseIdol
Things begin with Dinner Party From Hell 8.0. Kyle Richards and Yolanda Foster are agreeing to disagree by disagreeing when Brandi Glanville stares Kyle down with an unfocused glare and some threatening, slurry words about how she could say a lot of bad things about Kyle. Bad, bad things. Like for real mean stuff.
Lisa Vanderpump warns her to knock it off, but "know this" Brandi sees things. Weren't you just waiting for her to whip out that electronic cigarette?! Brandi was a wreck and needs: blotting papers, powder, detox, a nap, water, psych drugs, to get off my TV.
I'm not sure what it says about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that Kim Richards is most grounded and coherent participant this season. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to see Kim so healthy (and hilarious!), but she seems to be the only one with any sort of sense. Discussing Monday's episode, Kim is quick to call out Brandi Glanville's deplorable behavior while noting that her friend no doubt regrets her actions. She also sympathizes with Joyce Giraud's attempts to host a nice weekend while dismissing Yolanda Foster and Lisa Vanderpump as rude. She's really kind of spot on with her entire assessment.
Taking to her Bravo blog, Kim begins, "Once we got settled in our rooms we headed straight to the pool. Right off the bat it just didn't feel right, and there was a lot of tension. The push for Joyce to take her sundress off! Look, in my opinion Joyce invited us all down to have a good time and to do whatever we wanted in a beautiful home. She had a chef to prepare nice dinners and planned activities, but the rest should be up to us. If you want to swim, then swim. If you want to take a walk, then take a walk. There should be no rules except to just come have a good time. I have hosted many trips in my life and just because it is my trip, doesn't mean I have to babysit. For instance, when I took my friends to Hawaii once, some people wanted to lie out while others wanted to shop or go marlin fishing. You can't be with everyone at the same time. I thought it was a little ridiculous for Yolanda to tell Joyce how to handle herself. I mean grow up!"
Lea believes that Joyce is the Karent of this season's RHOBH. Is it the hair flipping? The constant need to insert herself in drama that happened before she appeared on the show? Those ever present pearly whites?
I was disappointed that the normally classy Mrs. Vanderpump would ever try to defend the tragically unclassy Ms. Glanville – and apparently Lisa shares my disappointment! In her latest Bravo blog, Lisa admits this is the episode where the tide turned and she started realizing that wait – there's no friends here, only big bad biatches wanting to take me down with a hair flip and a smile!
"Oh dear! That is all I want to say really! Could we just leave it at that?" Lisa begins. Don't we wish… Except we can't, unfortunately.
Referring to Brandi, Lisa is shocked she chose to reveal so many sexual tidbits. Choking anyone? "I am not particularly interested in the two finger maneuver that will be explained in her book. After 31 years of marriage I probably have a few maneuvers of my own I could share," Lisa teases.
But on a serious note, "It's hard to understand this constant need to shock. Her admission of indulging in cocaine, nudity, of being choked? Calling yourself a whore? What message does that send?"
Adding feud to the indomitable friendship breakdown were some recent comments Yolanda's husband David Foster made concerning her participation in Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Y'all lemon-lovers are not gonna like what you're about to read!
In an interview with the Canadian Press, Oscar-seeker David revealed this wife has always had ulterior motives for joining RHOBH and that she really doesn't pay the show much mind.
"She's doing it for a specific reason, and her reason is that she wants to have a … lifestyle and fitness show," David revealed. "She's very good at it and she's very good at giving advice." David says Yolanda previously hosted such a show in her native Netherlands.
Yesterday the cast of Vanderpump Rules hopped on a parade float to act atrociously on slow-motion wheels. The result was horrific.
Things begin with Lisa Vanderpump preparing for the annual SUR gay pride parade float which cues the return of Kevin Lee who was remarkably subdued this episode. Did he get a lobotomy or were Stassi Schroder and Scheana Marie too annoying for me to notice?
Lisa has a meeting in her backyard to let everyone know they'll be impersonating angels on the float – all the boys are wearing Victoria's Secret fashion show cast off wings and Scheana will be shaking her angel-ish-ishy a$$ in a pair of micro-wings. Oh and she'll be singing. "Singing". She's overjoyed. Everyone else dies a slow sinking death.
Every time Scheana autotunes a note, an angel looses its wings and falls from grace! Lisa holds a staff meeting to inform her little devils that they will be undertaking the acting role of their lifetimes. Oh and to remind everyone that Ariana is here to stay and all the rumors better hush-hush or Lisa will force them all to go to hell, which is Stassi's house when she's out of wine and stabbing her Jax Taylor voodoo doll repeatedly and having flashbacks of her pre-chinplant days. The. Horror.