Yesterday the cast of Vanderpump Rules hopped on a parade float to act atrociously on slow-motion wheels. The result was horrific.
Things begin with Lisa Vanderpump preparing for the annual SUR gay pride parade float which cues the return of Kevin Lee who was remarkably subdued this episode. Did he get a lobotomy or were Stassi Schroder and Scheana Marie too annoying for me to notice?
Lisa has a meeting in her backyard to let everyone know they'll be impersonating angels on the float – all the boys are wearing Victoria's Secret fashion show cast off wings and Scheana will be shaking her angel-ish-ishy a$$ in a pair of micro-wings. Oh and she'll be singing. "Singing". She's overjoyed. Everyone else dies a slow sinking death.
Every time Scheana autotunes a note, an angel looses its wings and falls from grace! Lisa holds a staff meeting to inform her little devils that they will be undertaking the acting role of their lifetimes. Oh and to remind everyone that Ariana is here to stay and all the rumors better hush-hush or Lisa will force them all to go to hell, which is Stassi's house when she's out of wine and stabbing her Jax Taylor voodoo doll repeatedly and having flashbacks of her pre-chinplant days. The. Horror.
It was the first Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vacation last night and true to form it was like a game of Clue with whodunit and why, with what, where and WTF?
Last night's metaphorical Housewives slayer was none other than Brandi Glanville who could hold neither her alcohol or her tongue. Although she did start out by telling us all the things she likes to do with her tongue or have a tongue to do her when she conducted a little market research for her new book. Yep, sex, wine, and Brandi again… *yawn*
Over at Joyce Giraud's house she's preparing for Palm Springs with a fashion show. Joyce's closet is beautiful. And it houses the entire GoldenGirls wardrobe department archives, including several pair of reproduction hibiscus print culottes.
Kyle Richards is going to be dining out on this cheating story a long time! But she will certainly not be dining out at SUR or Villa Blanca.
In this episode Kyle and husband Mauricio Umansky once again dismissed the rumors as ridiculous, but meanwhile across town, Kyle's former friend Lisa Vanderpump wasn't 100% certain Kyle's hubby – or any one else's – didn't cheat!
"After last week, I really was at a loss as to how I could move forward with Lisa and Brandi [Glanville]. Then after seeing this week's episode it makes it even more difficult," Kyle begins. "Lisa brings up the tabloids once again and so clearly wants to cast doubt on my marriage and Mauricio's integrity while pretending to be supportive. You aren't being supportive if you're saying 'Well, I don't know for sure' and putting that out there."
"I am very appreciative of Kenspeaking up to Lisa and saying he knows it's not true because he knows Mauricio and considers him a friend," Kyle adds.
If ever there was a reality star that probably should have her own wine it's longtime bar and restaurant owner Lisa Vanderpump!
There were whispers some time ago that the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star was working on a Villa Blanca rosé, which never appeared on the market. However last week Lisa was in Miami for The Pride White Party and she was also promoting something surprising: a sangria!
Huh? Where did that come from?! Lisa and daughter Pandora Todd promoted LVP Sangria at the party which as of course pretty in pink and probably tastes delicious. According to the website it's coming soon.
So Kyle Richards is finally the star of the storyline on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, except it's probably not for the reason she always hoped! Kyle has been in the spotlight over allegations that Mauricio Umansky cheated and because no press is bad press, she keeps talking… and talking… and talking… about a story that was probably planted to begin with she wants to die.
This week Kyle is taking umbrage that Lisa Vanderpump, the friend she doesn't really want anymore, hasn't been defending her enough in public or reaching out. Lisa made some less than supportive statements about how no one knows 100% what any husband is up to and we can't all be totally positive the rumors aren't true, and now she's defending her words.
Commenting that for someone who doesn't want to talk about it (Yeah, Kyle!) she's sure talking about it a lot, Lisa insists she had defended and supported Kyle.
Monday's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills had the Richards sisters celebrating graduation, Yolanda Foster celebrating her husband's star on the Walk of Fame, and, what was that again? Yes, yes. Brandi making out with Carlton. While she mentions all of it in her Bravo blog, I've just chosen to highlight her new infatuation with Splits and her sibling sidekick. Brandi feels sorry for Kyle, y'all. Join me, won't you, as we return to bitch mountain…
Here's an odd combination: men with breast cancer and burlesque parties for your boss. Or if you are a cast member on Vanderpump Rules it's all in a day's work!
Last night Lisa Vanderpump's business partner Nathalie decided to throw a surprise burlesque party for her husband Guillermo. Naturally they decided it was wholly appropriate for Stassi Schroeder and Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No. 1, Katie Maloney to do a burlesque performance for their boss. Apparently those two loons took burlesque lessons a couple years ago, but they actually suck at burlesque and only took the classes so when they get drunk at the bar they can grind on each other to attract boys.
Stassi suggests that she just shake her fake boobies and call it day. Luckily Nathalie has the foresight to hire real burlesque dancers and they will happily wear nipple tassels. Stassi looks down at her own boobies, realizes they're not nearly as perky and 3… 2… 1… begins stabbing Lari, Kari, and Scari (or whatever their names were) with a feathered headdress.
Ahhh… Real Housewives of Bevelry Hills: where totally untrue in every way cheating rumors never die. Oh! And famous people get to block traffic and redecorate the sidewalk just for being famous.
Over at Kyle Richards' Faye Resnick-fied castle of tchotchke, she's upset because she has to clean up alllllll the dog poop like every day, despite a plethora of brightly colored postage notes decorating the cabinetry advising people otherwise. Poor Kyle – nobody listens to her! Nobody cares! Nobody cares what Kyle wants!
And what does Kyle want? Attention and caftans. Preferably together. Since Kyle presumably has nothing else to talk about but cheating rumors that are totally NOT TRUE and that she totally wants to DISAPPEAR, she and Mauricio sit down to discuss said cheating rumors and how untrue and absolutely ludicrous they are.