Oh Vanderpump Rules never fails to disappoint does it!? And last night Peter Madrigal was allll riled up, which is HOTTT times a million. I digress. The important things were that in the battle of the girly-men, Tom Sandoval got his false eyelashes ripped off and his delicate constitution bruised, and James Kennedy got his size 23 skinny jeans protected by Kristen Doute, who was punching the beglitter out of Tom 1. Pent up rage, anyone?
Tom Schwartz, well he tried in vain (“vain” being the operative word) to break things up, but OMG – his hair! His pearly, flawless skin! His modeling career.
Lisa Vanderpump’s family turned out to support her on the launch of her new lifestyle collection. Lisa kicked off the debut of The Vanderpump Beverly Hills Collection by Pop Culture Promotions and put her new wares on display for guests in attendance.
There weren’t any Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cameras lurking about at the party nor any castmates in attendance, so I’m going to venture a guess that this event won’t be featured on the upcoming season. Lisa probably wanted to keep it classier than that.
French Montana celebrated his 30th birthday last night with a few friends slew of reality TV stars. Naturally, where there are cameras, there are Kardashians.
Khloe Kardashian chose to forgo all underwear and wore a practically sheer Grecian-style dress, showing off a slit nearly up to her navel and a nipple here or there, on her body. Kim Kardashian wore her usual dim bulb blank stare on her face. Kris Jenner wore her new boy toy on her arm.
Vanderpump Rules has returned for the third season and while everyone insists the dynamic has changed, it sure doesn’t seem that way! Not. A. One of these people can get over their exes, no one can trust Jax Taylor, and Stassi Schroeder is in a new relationship that may be doing her wrong. One thing is different however – Lisa Vanderpump finally had to fire someone! And despite all the fighting, everyone can agree that none of this crazy is scripted – they’re all just truly that authentically insane!
Of course Lisa is thrilled by the “Fantastic!” new season (helllllloooo ratings!) “I’m very happy with it!” Lisa exclaims. However, someone didn’t recover from causing so much chaos. “One is missing now,” Lisa admits. “You’ll see how that plays out…,” Lisa quips to Access Hollywood. My bets are on Kristen Doute, of course! Or possibly Jax...
Speaking of which, Jax claims he’s happy for Stassi and has move on, but then slams her relationship to new boyfriend Patrick. “I don’t think she’s happy,” Jax reveals. “I think she’s really confused. I think she’s in a relationship that’s toxic right now.”
Tom 1 instantly denied the allegation, Ariana did as well, claiming that she knew all along this girl had hung out with Tom, and his co-stars Jax Taylor and Tom Schwartz during a promotional trip in Miami. And that nothing went on, despite Kristen’s attempts. Kristen and Tom 1 are still together and still seem happy!
“I won’t name names, because that is not polite, but who are these weirdos talking to Scheana about Tom and I who don’t even know us?” Ariana wonders. “A conversation between Crazy #1 and Crazy #2 does not ‘hard proof’ make. ‘Texts to prove it’? I saw those texts months prior and I have more scandalous sounding conversations with my manager. ‘Selfies’? You mean one photo on a scooter at a gas station that was taken by Schwartz and sent to multiple people? Someone is using the ‘say something a bunch of times’ method of trying to make something true.”
Remember how last season on Vanderpump Rules everyone busted Kristen Doute‘s thongbutt for cheating on Tom 1? Well this season she’s accusing him of cheating on new girlfriend Ariana Madix. I dunno kids – it seems kinda transparent to me, like Kristen just wants Tom 1 all to herself and back in her thong-th-thong-thong-thong! (In case you’re wondering why I keep bringing up thongs, it’s cause Bravo gave us a lovely shot of Kristen’s thong butt).
This season everyone on VPR has undergone metamorphosis after the insane betrayals and they’ve grown. Except for Kristen. She’s stayed the same. Well, maybe she’s grown more crazy – we’ll wait on assessing that.
Kristen is supposedly madly in love with 22-year-old Baby Einstein (Slowstein? He ain’t sharp) DJ James Kennedy, who is trying awfully hard to get some attention on this here TeeVee thingy. First he tried to be besties with Tom 1, but when that didn’t get his pale, pastiness on camera, he decided screwing the desperate and maligned Kristen would have to suffice. Other than famewhoring, James enjoys BeamerSelfies. We’ll get to that later. So anyway, everyone has learned. Everyone has grown.
This season there is slapping, wine throwing, adultery accusations, a marriage in peril, Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson, family feuding, jealousy, secrets and lies revealed, and dangerous liaisons – you know allllll the makings of a good soap opera! Oh lord it’s like Dynasty in its heyday! Be still my ever-soap-opera-loving-heart! With that being said I am beyond excited!