Lisa Vanderpump

Jax Gets Roasted

Really Vanderpump Rules has come down to a Fund-Rager and a contrived roast of Jax Taylor, which coincidentally happened while Brittany Cartwright‘s extra-crispy mama is in town? It’s so contrived. All of it. And it really frosts my lipstick.

But first, it’s Tom 1‘s party and everyone will cry if they want to, cry if they want to – you would cry too if these friends happened to you! The boys really got the birthday shafts, didn’t they – the girls got trips to Montauk and NASCAR, and they get made fun of and forced to do charity work. HA.

Well, Tom turned an indeterminate shade of 30 and celebrated not by raising awareness for himself or his attuned and wrinkle-free skin, but by inviting all of his friends to donate their easily-earned money to charity. Kristen Doute brought her crisp $20, handed it to the collection emcee and announced that now she has full-license to be bad for all eternity in exchange for this one good deed. Jax didn’t have that luck – his card was declined when he tried to give a measly $100. His karma, as always, remains, in despair.

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Cedric Martinez & Lisa Vanderpump

Everybody remember Cedric Martinez? Lisa Vanderpump‘s Houseguest from season 1 of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills? If you don’t, here’s a brief recap: Cedric was like family, but then allegedly betrayed Ken Todd and Lisa by lying about his family background to use them for fame and fortune.

Since being blackballed it’s been a very rough few years for Cedric – he’s lost Lisa’s friendship, and many other friends, and gained a bad reputation, which he says was based on a lie. Cedric spoke with Kate Casey on her Reality Life podcast and opened up about the drama with Lisa, provided some illuminating tidbits about how Reality TV works, and shared what he’s up to now.

I may not agree with everything, but I think Cedric came across with humility and self-reflection. It’s interesting stuff. Below is his story:

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Jax-Taylor-Barstool-Podcast

I know a lot of Vanderpump Rules viewers love to hate on Jax Taylor, but I really feel like his antics make the show.  He is certainly not a beacon of morality – but who would want to watch a reality TV show about someone who makes the right decisions all the time? I definitely wouldn’t. That’s why I absolutely loved the ridiculous things Jax said in a recent interview about all of the key players and plot points on Vanderpump Rules.

Jax could not be politically correct even if he tried, so I’m happy that he didn’t hold back when he was asked about the girl that he supposedly impregnated from Season 1, why he cheated on Stassi Schroeder, and his relationship with Brittany Cartwright. He even talked about how he would hook up with his boss Lisa Vanderpump. Say what you want about Jax, but the man constantly delivers entertainment. Jax delivered gem after gem after gem. If you are easily offended, do not read past this point.

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NEW YORK, NY - DECEMBER 08: Lisa Vanderpump and her dog Giggy attend Vanderpump Pets Launch at Petco Union Square on December 8, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by John Lamparski/Getty Images)

Lisa Vanderpump along with nearly everyone else is sick and tired of hearing Lisa Rinna’s opinions about Kim Richards’ sobriety. And The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills star isn’t afraid to call her (and a few others) out about it in her blog this week. Lisa also has no time for Eileen Davidson’s game playing, defending herself against Eileen’s tired old accusations of being “manipulative.”

About Eileen, Lisa writes, “Well once again, Eileen raises the issue of another woman being  manipulated by my good self. I find it rather amusing that she would perpetually, backhandedly compliment me, just by virtue of the fact that I have these extraordinary powers, but also patronizes other women by insinuating they are guilty of being feeble-minded weaklings with no opinions of their own.”

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Erika Jayne Expensive

I regret to inform you that last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was, once again, all about Kim Richards‘ sobriety. At least we got to see some Erika Jayne side-boob this time though – to cover all the bases of Housewives anatomy. Honestly I can’t decide if that’s better or worse than pantygate.

The story of Kim is a sad one indeed. In fact, Kim and Kyle Richards‘ life reminds me of a book I read – a memoir written by Jack Kerouac’s daughter about her adolescence and early adulthood. I initially read it in high school and was jealous of her free-spirited life and her mother who let her do whatever she wanted; she could party, stay out all night, etc. I re-read the book in college and that time I was sad that she had zero guidance or stability.

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Ariana at Katie's Bridal shower

So, do we think Brittany Cartwright‘s mama is going to be successful in her quest to get Jax Taylor into a church?! If so, will the holy water turn him into liquefied jelly – or will he start speaking in tongues?! Oh wait, he already does… Yes, an exorcism must be done on Vanderpump Rules, but shockingly, Jax isn’t the one who needs it. OK, maybe he does, but not as bad as some people…

So let me tell you a little story about a Three-Headed SheBeast named KriStasstie – if that sounds like a very weird food served in an eastern European prison, or a disease you probably do not want to contract from a monkey, well, it’s not far off.

This is the story about three women who have absolutely NO IDEA how unimportant their opinions are, and their self-aggrandized delusions about their amazing friendships are, well, sad. Really sad. Thank goodness we have the ‘boyfriend stealing’ Ariana Madix, of the dewy mermaid skin and evil eye to put them in their place. And their place is out by the dumpsters at SUR. Who knows…they may even be puking in them.

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Lisa Vanderpump

Can we all just agree that game nights and the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are just a terrible, terrible mix? It’s like tere and prostitution whores or Vicki Gunvalson and boyfriends or Kenya Moore and reality. They just don’t fit well together. Make it stop, Bravo. The charades I can handle…the drama, not so much!

On this week’s RHOBH, the dreaded recurring game night occurred at Kyle Richards’ abode, complete with the newbies and a very healthy looking Kim Richards but sans slut pigs (thankfully). Eileen Davidson used the opportunity to nitpick the accent memory and word choice and panty pranks of Dorit Kemsley, while Lisa Rinna revisited her long-standing feud with Kim. Don’t get me wrong, I am not quite on board with Dorit, but she clearly has no clue how to handle these women. I adored Eileen on Days of Our Lives (especially as Kristen DiMera’s crazy twin Susan), but her pettiness is exhausting. Ditto for Rinna’s hustling and QVC line anger at Kim. At least the even keeled Lisa Vanderpump is here to give us her words of wisdom!

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Eden opens up about her life

Eden Sassoon may have been the only one who actually enjoyed The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills dreaded game night! Though she did mildly insert herself into the drama between Lisa Rinna and Kim Richards, Eden says it was done out of empathy for both women, who she says need to actually listen to each other at some point. Wishful thinking?

In her blog, Eden thanks Kyle Richards for hosting the night and jokes about Dorit Kemsley’s very sudden and very bizarre attraction to her: “I kind of wish we were all naked (#FreeLove), but I guess it didn’t matter. Dorit was already undressing me with her eyes. And remember, I told you guys last week that the only games I like to play are with men!”

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