Last night on Vanderpump Rules everyone was obsessed with cheating that wasn't going on.
Things begin with Jax Taylor remembering that he probably would trade Stassi Schroeder in for another psycho. He's modeling for Kitson – male mooodleing is such chaaaaallenging work – especially when you have a famewhore girl model telling you how hot you look.
Actually what really happened is that she saw Jax's tat for Stassi and realized "easy mark" I could swoop in and have sex with this guy and he'd leave Psychossi for me in a heartbeat and then I'd get to be on TeeVee. ME!
Despite wanting Stassi back, Jax is a little vague about whether or not he's in a relationship. I mean I guess it's hard to explain that you let some girl carry your balls around in a pseudo designer bag and then you go vacuum her apartment every single time she gives them a squeeze. I mean the average stranger might not understand the deep and beautiful nature of their love.
"8th grade drama sounds the same 30 years later," Kyle tells Mauricio. You know it! Time for all y'all ladies to take a little Alice In Wonderland pill and grow the EFF up!
Things begin with Brandi and Carlton Gebbia shopping at Trashy Lingerie. Ahem. Brandi and Carlton verbally molest each other and gush about much they love beautiful women in an innuendo-laden crapfest. But neither of them are lesbians or something.
Brandi is buying lingerie for her non-relationship and wants to bury a crystal to evoke new love. How about bury the past? Not talking about your ex constantly might help welcome someone new into your life!
Lisa's integrity is also being questioned left and right – including whether or not she fake fainted on Dancing With The Stars last season. Well Lisa is fighting back by throwing some serious shade and also finally stooping to the levels of her co-stars and bashing them on Twitter. Well at least bashing by re-tweet! Hey the masses have spoken: Kyle and Brandi are behaving like super twats brats!
"I am disappointed but not surprised to see how gleefully Kyle initiated the conversation of my last performance on DWTS. It was as if they relished me being voted off DWTS," Lisa writes in her Bravo blog about the ladies discussing her in the limo on the way to Carlton Gebbia's luncheon.
And she's especially unhappy that former friend Brandi Glanville has turned on her, sold her out to the media, and is trying to make her look like a manipulative bitch! "It was a difficult season, that's for sure, " Lisa acknowledges.
Speaking to Access Hollywood, Lisaadmits losing her friendship to Brandi "hasn't been easy" and she "doesn't understand" where the falling out came from. "I loved her – and I've been so supportive," Lisa says. "So I'll be interested to see how it plays out."
After Lisa fainted on DWTS and revealed secret health problems both Kyle Richards and Brandi are questioning whether or not they're real. They're also fingering Lisa as the culprit behind some salacious gossip. Hmmmm…
"On our way to Carlton's for lunch, the girls and I discussed Lisa's faint on Dancing With The Stars. We all knew Lisa was fine and were joking like she would have with us if roles were reversed," Splits dished in her Bravo blog.
"Lisa said in last week's blog that she had been plagued with health issues. Blood transfusions, anemia, brain scans, fainting spells, etc. I had NEVER heard this in all the time I have known Lisa. NEVER." Just because someone doesn't reveal all their health problems to you doesn't mean they don't exist – it means they don't value you as a friend, ol' Splitsy.
Beginning her Bravo blog,Carlton writes, "I met Brandi [Glanville], Kim [Richards],Joyce [Giraud] and Kyle with smiles honestly hoping that we (Kyle, Joyce, and I) had just got off to an unfortunate start. I was happy to see Brandi, as she was another I immediately clicked with. She's completely uncensored, and I appreciated her humor when we first met at the BHCC. But what's impressive is how after divorce she has been able to take care of herself financially."
Quickly, her tirade against Kyle begins, and it's oh-so-hilarious! Carlton shares, "Anyway we barely had walked into the barroom when immediately Kyle asks if I was raised Catholic? Oh bloody hell here we go! Maybe it's me, but when I'm welcomed into the home of someone I'm relatively new to meeting, religion is not usually the first question I lead with..it was a probable indication as to how the rest of the day would go with this one…Oh joy."
Brandi Glanville is on a bender – a shooting off her mouth bender, that is! She just cannot keep those size 40 Loubs out of her injected pout! Girl really… take a vacation from the media. I should take a vacation from giving her press, too. But I just can't quit…
Which is how Brandi describes her relationship with boyfriend JR in her Real Housewives of Beverly Hills blog. Brandi says she dumped him after he took off for a music festival last minute with friends and did not invite her.
"So after he got me my dream rental the day prior, I text my 'boyfriend' JR, saying 'Let's go out and celebrate!' He texts me back 'Just randomly, last minute boarded a plane to Austin for a music festival with a bunch of my 'couples friends' and will be back in a few days. . .'"