Everything Housewives gets "gated". And here on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we have graduated from cheating-gate, and hair-gate, and lastminutecancellation-gate, to necklace-gate; and most excitingly: you'recursed-gate. It's been a while since we've had a good curse on Housewives #Season1CamilleGrammer #Pernicious.
So that's what we're dealing with here and like sand through the hourglass these here are the days of our caftans. Cause you know, Kyle Richards was on Days of Our Lives for a splits richards second.
Anyway, Brandi Glanville has a problem with her tongue and her mouth and her speech and her general planet trashiness was affected by wonky aspirin. Which is a good thing because she also has a problem with *gasp* Lisa Vanderpump. Appprrrrrntly, Lisa holds within her bejeweled hands the power to deport people, destroy their lives, poison their aspirin, and dig up their ex-husband's long-dead mistress from the grave to release her from her coffin on the very moment when you walk into a Bravo-sponsored season finale party at her restaurant. Or something like that that. Cause if anyone knows how to work a good curse it's not plastic tits on a tan witch Snarlton Gebbia, but Giggy-loving Lisa!
If Kyle Richards wrote a memoir, I'd like to think she she title it "Kaftans and Hypocrisy: The Splits Richards Story." It's got bestseller written all over it, doesn't it? The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star can't get over how hypocritical co-star Carlton Gebbia has been, yet she can't see how bad her own behavior is towards former bestie Lisa Vanderpump. I was hoping that when Kyle watched last week's episode and saw Lisa defend her to Carlton, she'd feel badly for not returning the favor when Brandi Glanville was bad mouthing Lisa. Not so much! Why am I not surprised?
In her Bravo blog, Kyle begins, "This week is the kick off to some real craziness coming up. Buckle up! Mauricio and I received an invitation to Carlton and David's event and then after the dinner party received a 'disinvite.' I think it was a given I wouldn't go, but if Carlton felt the need to make sure I wasn't going to attend, I think the disinviting should have been directed to both Mauricio and myself. I'm not sure if she actually thought my husband would show up without me or she just wanted to add salt to the wound."
I remember hearing that Lisa Vanderpump was going to get the bad edit (the "Camille" if you will) this season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and I thought to myself, "How is that even a possibility?" Well, Brandi Glanville has certainly done her best (with the help of old Kyle "Splits" Richards) to paint Lisa as some sort of brain melding, manipulative evil genius. And guess, what? It totally backfired. I don't know about you, but to me, the only thing more vanderfabulous than a flawless Lisa is a flawless Lisa who needs a hug because she's human and has hurt feelings thanks to horrible friends.
Even Yolonda Foster (who is her own brand of lemony perfection), has been giving Lisa the side-eye, but it's all incredibly unwarranted. What did Lisa do to any of these ladies besides throw glamorous parties and have a biting sense of humor? They probably hate Giggy, too. Imbeciles. Lisa doesn't even retaliate in her RHOBH blog, which is pretty much the standard place for the ladies' usual passive aggression. This week, she just sounds so defeated. In her Bravo blog, Lisa begins, "And here we are again. Another week has flown by."
Brandi Glanville and Kyle Richards bonded over how muchLisa Vanderpump is a manipulative wench out to destroy people. Oh wait… that's probably actually Kyle, because according to Brandi KYLE is the one spreading rumors that Lisa was a bankrupt former Valley girl! Oh good gravy…can Brandi ever accept accountability for her actions?
Dishing to E! News about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion, her tempestuous falling out with Lisa, and how she knows about Lisa's so-called finances, Brandi says it's all Kyle's fault!
"The one thing I do want to clear up is that I don't know if Lisa and Ken lived in Calabasas and filed for bankruptcy," Brandi backtracks. "KyleRichards told me, I looked it up and on this site where you pay $9.99 it said yes, they lived off Mulholland drive in Calabasas." Oh this is TOO funny!
"Speaking with Lisa about the whole Kyle ordeal was painful again, but after explaining I knew she saw my point of view. I definitely think Lisa was absolutely right about Kyle after watching the flashbacks from last year," Carlton writes in her Bravo Blog. "And now Kyle keeps speaking negatively about Lisa behind her back at every opportunity she has, then smiles to her face. But Lisa consistently defends Kyle to me."
"As if I didn't have enough reasons to dislike her. I personally know Lisa to be a wonderful soul, certainly not mean or manipulating, and she always seems to be the voice of reason. I don't like watching some of the women starting to talk negatively about her. That has not been my experience with her at all."
Is this what we're calling avant-garde these days? Lady Gaga fancies herself to be on the experimental edge of pop culture and pop music (and having been to one of her concerts, I'd say men dressed in condoms and burning statutes crying blood aren't your typical pop fan fare), and now she's pushing the envelope even more.
That's right. Gaga is supposedly featuring the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in an upcoming video. Perhaps she's more mainstream than she'd like to admit. You know Kyle Richards' is having a field day over this! I can only imagine the title of this song!
Last night's Vanderpump Rules reunion only "surved" to prove that Kristen Doute is totally, certifiable, crazypants! Like, absolutely so! I believe Ariana Madix described it as "borderline personality disorder," and while Ariana is by no means a doctor (oh God no!) working at SUR she's certainly come into contact with her fair share of insanity.
So, Tom 1 is still not over the total sham that was his five-year flirtation with the devil because one never gets over something like that – luckily Ariana is helping him cope, Kristen needs help, Stassi Schroeder quit SUR without notice and likely quit the show, Jax Taylor admits to hooking up with married women and pretends he's over Stassi. Katie Maloney was predictable basically not there except to be Stassi's Anonymous Sycophant No 1, Peter Madrigal was unfortunately not there (WAAAH!), and Scheana Marie has turned into a Kardashian. Lisa Vanderpump was annoyed with all of them.
K – see you next season!
Kidding, Kidding… I've got to recap this joint! Andy Cohen was also present and he was so giddy he needed an adult diaper because he was peeing himself with glee. It was… disturbing.