I’m beginning to worry that Tom Sandoval and Jax Taylor have been on Vanderpump Rules for so long they now need hearing aids in addition to emotional crutches, because overnight Jax has turned into a crotchety old man with a hearing problem waving his finger around and complaining about bad kids with a turn up problem.
Everyone is still in Mexico (apparently a purgatory of all reality TV eternity) where Kristen Doute is flinging drinks at James Kennedy and Lala Kent, you know because they need a cold shower and to cool off. Or possibly for Raquel Leviss‘s sake. Or perhaps Kristen thought James’s bronzer was too intense? Actually that’s just James’s naturally perfect skin (I am obsessed and so jealous. It is PORELESS like a Noxema ad from 1992).
Whatever Kristen’s reasons for tossing a perfectly good cocktail has absolutely nothing to do with Kristen believing that James started a rumor that they hooked up. A rumor that Jax, not James, actually started and which James denied several times. James adds the only way he would’ve said anything of the sort is if he was drunk and joking.
Oh, Berlin with the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. It actually wasn’t a bad trip if you ignore the weird, fantastical, messy veal tartare of an argument Dorit Kemsley tried to throw at Kyle Richards. Why can’t these women just ever have fun eating food… it’s like if they start a fight they won’t have time to consume the calories?
Yet for the most part everyone had fun and got along. Prost to that! (Cheers in German. Thanks Google)
First the women either went shopping or spent 4+ hours ordering lattes in German. Kyle, Lisa Rinna and TeddiMellencamp Arroyave are afraid they’ll be forced into consuming whole milk and sugar by language barriers. Like the Germans are some primitive people never exposed to modern things like – gasp – ALMOND MILK. Or fat-free milk! I think the menus were actually written in cave drawings and ‘hoople hop ooper mandopippitidy peep pop poopio’ or whatever ever it is Lipsa ordered was actually dehydrated wild buffalo penis. You never know with these newly discovered civilizations! I mean … pretzels?
Did I miss something on last night’s Vanderpump Rules? Did James Kennedy admit to hooking up “just a little” with Kristen Doute? Even more curious – did the cameras actually miss James and Kristen drunkenly hooking up?!
What I think I observed was a drunken game of telephone. Or whatever it’s called in the iPhone era. Probably something to do with Snapchatting and then sharing Snaps that were deleted and how you thought you were sexting your boyfriend SUPER ROB when in fact you were sending a disgraced Nigerian prince $300 to get his crown out of hock and on a plane to LA to bar tend into his future at SUR. I mean this could finally be the man for Scheana Marie!
Anyway! Using delightful time lapse, the episode opens hours early with Stassi Schroeder sitting on a beach with Katie Maloney and Kristen. The sand is soft and fuzzy – just like their drink-addled memories from every day the night before.
Last night was a good episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. There was no particular reason – it wasn’t filled to the brim with drama, but it showcased the women in their elements and was filled with some real moments like Kyle Richards ultimate friendship faux pas. Excitingly we also got a lot of background information on Lisa Vanderpump, plus DoritKemsley almost overdosed (kinda, sorta) on flu medication which was hilariously so Dorit. (Yes, I’m a sadist). However the big exciting news was their trip to Berlin.
Unfortunately there is more bad news for Lisa and Ken. Days after losing Pink Dog unexpectedly, Pikachu passed away. Now Lisa is worried for the fate of all her dogs. She looks them over, this mountain of fluffery and docility, she decides each needs to be installed with a tracking device and cloned straight away. It’s what Nanny Kay would recommend after all! And she was a woman of sense; a medic during WWII who survived The Blitz, and then, in her elder years, moved with Lisa and Ken to LA when they opened their first restaurant there – a PIZZA JOINT in the Sherman Oaks Mall. So, Lisa did live in The Valley?
Obviously there are a lot of people who are going to adore Erika no matter what. There is a lot to like: she has an intriguing double life, she says hilarious things during her on-camera interviews, and she has such an over the top sense of style. The list goes on and on, but it is tough to watch her snapping at Teddi over and over again, when it appears to be unprovoked. Obviously none of the viewers know every single word exchanged between the two of them, but based on the episodes alone, Erika’s interactions with Teddi have been less than flattering- and that’s putting it nicely.
I’m so tired of hearing about Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright‘s pathetic relationship. I’m so tired of it that I’m actually in agreement with Tom Sandoval on the matter: Brittany stupidly chose to stay with Jax knowing he’s a low-down, dirty scoundrel, so leave her alone to stew in her own Kentucky fried juices.
I personally think Brittany loooooves laying on that accent, thick as a beer cheese dipped chicken wing, and playing damsel in distress. Not to the guys – Jax already rescued her from a Hooters farm in ‘tucky – but to the girls on Vanderpump Rules. They see it as their responsibility to rescue Brittany. Maybe because those that can’t do a decent relationship, try to micromanage other’s disaster relationships. Or maybe they know they’re all a lost cause but sweet, innocent Brittany of the slow blinking My Little Pony eyes and Dr. Pepper flavored Bonne Belle chapstick – they can save her from the Jaxing that destroyed Stassi Schroeder and so many before (and during and after) her!
Even though it has become such a staple in the Real Housewives franchise, the psychic readings never seem to go well. In fact, they pretty much never do. It is almost always a disaster. From unfavorable predictions, to a room full of skepticism, it is just a recipe for disaster, but on the bright side, it usually lends itself to some good episodes.
Who could ever forget that drunk medium with the e-cigarette who told Kyle Richards that her husband “could never emotionally fulfill” her during Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 1? Well, apparently Kyle is not averse to all psychics/mediums – just that one in particular – since Kyle is the one who brought on Psychic Rebecca during the last Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode.