Before I continue with this recap I have two points to make:
1) Can we stop with the “My gays”? No one has “gays!” Just like no one has “heteros!” I loathe the so-called possession and ownership of “gays.” Gay people are just people, who are not ubiquitously defined by their sexuality no matter what Real Housewives want us to think. Plus, whatever “gays” Kyle has cobbled together, they clearly do not love her that much to let her dress that bad! Maybe it’s passive-aggressive payback for her leading them around LA referring to them as My Gay 1, My Gay Blonde, My Gay Ladysitter…
2) Why the hell would anyone fight for possession of “My Kim”? They do realize Kims come with Kingsley. And also, at the end of the day (HA!), it’s still Kim – who is praying to a trashcan and speaking gobbledy-goop, insisting it’s a language you just haven’t learned yet! It’s just Kim taking cancer medication as a fun-zany experiment while she accidentally smokes a dildo because she confused it with the e-cigarette she bought from that kiosk in the mall, on Tuesday, errrrr… I mean Wednesday, errrr… I mean during the 9, uhhhh 7, uuummmm 5 days she was in Promises Malibu the hospital working on her tan!
Just when you think things can’t get any worse between Brandi and Kyle Richards, Brandi threatens to knock Kyle’s teeth out, continues to meddle in Kyle and Kim’s relationship and takes a low blow at Kyle’s marriage to Mauricio Umansky.
Tonight Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd will also face the tough decision whether to divulge to son Max the names of his birth parents.
CLICK CONTINUE READING TO SEE A CLIP OF TONIGHT’S EPISODE
Jax Taylor, the world’s biggest traitor, is hanging out poolside, grabbing cocktails with Kristen, who is reveling in her splendiforous outing of Tom Sandoval‘s cheating after she trotted Miami Girl, her used lip-plants, and Lee Press-On nails (Google the 80s for that ish!) up to the bar to confront Tom about the size of his peni (too small to warrant an “s”) and what exactly he was doing with it – not Kristen much to her dismay.
Since Kristen is happy and Tom 1 is sabotaged, she is kissing James. Meanwhile Jax looks like someone put something in his vodka – was he roofied?! He’d probably like that. He’s there with Carmen. who despite being dumped over pizza is sticking around for more camera time! She accuses Jax of texting 5 other girls, which was a rhetorical question, right? To prove his innocence Kristen grabs his phone and, oh look! there’s a text from some girl in Vegas that Tom 2 cheated with.
When Andy asks Tom if he blamesJax Taylor for the way things went down on tonight’s episode, with Jax outing him for cheating on Katie in Vegas, he admits that Jax certainly didn’t help his cause. He thinks maybe Jax did it on purpose, but he says, “I guess i don’t have anyone to blame but myself.”
On Kristen getting fired tonight, Tom says it was a long time coming. Andy says the celebration was crazy and he’s obsessed with the clip of the cooks in the SUR kitchen high fiving at the news.
For some odd reason Ariana Madix‘s blog isn’t posted on Bravo. Is it because in it the Vanderpump Rules star explains what really went on between Tom Sandoval and “Miami Girl” Annemarie Kunkel?
Tom was a guest on WWHL last Monday, where he proclaimed Bravo omitted much of the Miami story and didn’t give the behind-the-scenes details, Andy Cohen didn’t deny anything Tom said, and according to Ariana there were many, many things viewers weren’t privy too! Of course, the couple understands Bravo has a story to tell, and can’t include everything, but that doesn’t mean she has to keep quiet about it!
Thankfully Ariana wrote a very illuminating blog which she posted to her Tumblr where she snarks at Lisa Vanderpump, explains what we missed, and throws Kristen Doute some serious shade!
“In Brandi‘s last blog she said she came to our poker party and was so hungry because it was dinner time and we had no food – aww – I guess she has to blame someone for her actions,” snarked Eileen. “But honestly, folks? It wasn’t EXACTLY dinner time. It was between 8:30 and 9:00 PM. And it wasn’t a DINNER party. It was a POKER party. A DINNER party is where you sit down at a table and have dinner. A poker party is where you sit down at a table and play poker. And even so, we had hors d’oeuvres, such as those ‘little pancakes that are for children‘ that are usually known as blinis.” HAHA!!
So here we are at Eileen Davidson‘s house where Kyle and Brandi are sobbing, shrieking, and shoving each other in the driveway. I’m pretty sure we learned in kindergarten to use conversation to solve problems, not name-calling, cuss words, gift bags, hands, side-boobs, bracelets, wine, or pizza?! Or Eileen’s driveway!
And while Kyle and Brandi are arguing over who gets custody of Kim Richards, Kim is standing their like “Duuuuuuude… I’m high. Where’s my pizza?” Literally she asked Brandi what happened to the pizza slice – well Brandi threw at your sister, Kim. I would say go grab another one but you’re probably banned from Eileen’s home!
In case you had blocked out the disaster that was poker night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, allow me to refresh your memory: two drunki-drunkifers, one Boozdi, one Rambles, behaved absolutely appallingly while guests in Eileen Davidson‘s home, then Brandi and Kyle Richards got into a scrapping fit over who got to play over-zealous nursemaid to Kim Richards. Luckily for Lisa Vanderpump she was off vacationing in Mexico. Bitch!
Despite missing the party of the century, Lisa is weighing in on what she observed and is shocked by both Kim and Brandi Glanville‘s behavior, and she also defends her new re-friend Kyle!
“So once again another week passes, and this episode is the start of a tumultuous ride, where alliances take a different path,” reflects Lisa. “We witness the car journey with the incongruous relationship of Brandi and Kyle in the car discussing the success of Kim’s sobriety and the path her life has taken.”
“Then things take a sharp turn as the evening unfolds. That relationship shatters and much is revealed,” begins Lisa.