Last night’s Vanderpump Rules featured dueling birthday trips – one made no attempt to be classy and the other pretended to be something they’re not.
First up, Ariana Madixgrabbed the Toms and Jax Taylor for an RV trek around Sonoma Wine Country, which ground to a halt at a NASCAR track for wieners and wienies. The wienie being Tom 1 who whined and cried – in front of Ariana’s brother no less – that Ariana doesn’t find his man bun and overall short-alls attractive enough to f–k. The poor Toms – it seems they have something in common, in that their ladies would rather do anything but them.
Stassi admits she’s headed to Cabo with some of her castmates to be the “seventh wheel” on a couples trip, because she’s vowed to stay single for an entire year. She’s presently just ‘dating’ on many apps, which she hates.
First, Lisa talks about her fight against the Dog Meat Festival and the birth of The Vanderpump Dog Foundation, “As we first entered into the pet world creating Vanderpump Pets, we became slowly enlightened of the brutalities that transpired each year against dogs in China during the summer solstice. In an effort to draw attention to it, we marched to the Chinese embassy, we sent placards around the world, the slogan Stop Yulin Forever was plastered over many t-shirts, a resolution was formed, as we managed to garner interest and support from a congressman and hopefully pass through congress a resolution that would draw attention globally and end this barbarity once and for all.”
Dorit told everyone that PK not only had seen the Girardi family jewels, but appraised them for value at length. I think Dorit believed the reveal that Erika ‘forgot’ how to use her lady-like manners while wearing a white micro-cocktail dress was supposed to make Erika look bad. Honestly, though, Dorit’s non-stop complaining and over-analyzing, combined with Peek-K’s stalkerish staring, over what was essentially a wardrobe faux pas in poor taste, made Extra-Cheesey Dorit look worse.
As Erika herself surmised, the entire situation was, quite frankly, fishy. Like, why was Dorit so intent on telling everyone? What Eileen Davidson dubs ‘The Crotch Chronicles’ (or “SnatchChat”) becomes what Peek-K saw up Erika’s skirt. According to Dorit: everything.
In the preview clips that have been airing nonstop on Bravo, Dorit Kemsley tries to lighten up the commando situation by gifting Erika Jayne with a pair of lacy white undies. Erika is unimpressed, at least that’s how they’re editing it for preview purposes. 😉
Get your Tom + Katie tea towels ready to clean up the muck that has become Vanderpump Rules!
Recovering from Christmas and an ultimate cookie binge, the last thing I’m in the mood for is whining from Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. But, alas, I am nothing if not a consummate professional, so I have wrenched myself from the sluggish glut of a living room filled with wrapping paper (how many calories does wading through wrapping paper burn?) to complete this recap. Happy holidays! Katie just blew her life savings on $18.00 custom tea towels, and her life now consists of hatefully glaring at Tom Schwartz while folding said towels into cardboard boxes, wrapping the whole thing with twine, and mailing it. In case you were wondering wtf: that’s her wedding invite.
Of course, Kyle shared this adorable news on social media, but the pup actually remained nameless for a few days. Well, now things are officially official and the Richards/Umansky family has another new (and named) member. And I just want to know if she’s met Giggy and Harrison Vanderpump yet.
Lisa explains her decision to return was in part due to the fact that Dorit was there to ease things and provide some much needed laughs. “After last season it was extraordinarily difficult to come back into this group, but it was made much easier by the addition of Dorit…Dorit is most definitely a friend who I can have a giggle with, talking about Harrison being a mop, laughing about the rubber, pepper spray comments, harmless self-deprecating remarks without any boundaries, just enjoyable moments that friends can indulge in. In a world that is so troubled, in times where chaos is so prevalent everywhere we look, it is an essential part of my life to have humorous banter and be secure by the fact that each time you turn away, there is not a blade inserted between your shoulders.”