The Real Housewives Of Orange County are in Tahiti, which means Meghan Edmonds is dishing out lectures on how to behave all cultured and classy-ish while Tamra Judge is desperate to show off her new jugs with some topless swimming. When not in America be like the French! Thank goodness Governess Heather Dubrow was supervising this trip to keep these bitches in line. Heather is demanding a raise – she has diamond-studded Champs Doorbells to buy!
First things first, the group boards a ferry to get to their final destination: Moorea. Like any good horror movie it starts with the heroine getting the feeling that something is wrong…. Vicki Gunvalson‘s suspicions grew in proportion to Meghan’s hair soufflé, which expanded like a Chia Pet … getting pouffier and pouffier… meanwhile Vicki was feeling pukier and pukier – even her dry heaves sound like whoo hoos.
As a “Friend of the Housewives” on this season’s Real Housewives of Orange County, Lizzie Rovsek has shown up in a lot of scenes, but hasn’t shared much about her personal story. In her blog, Lizzie tells us what she’s been up to, both personally and professionally (and even hints that she might be pregnant with baby number three!). She also gives us her take on Tahiti, her feelings about newbie Meghan Edmonds, and how Vicki Gunvalson is “a little hard on” Meghan – which Lizzie can relate to, having been the newest Vicki Victim OC Housewife just last year.
Updating us on her swimsuit line, Lizzie shares, “I’m gearing up for the 2016 Sun Kitten Swimwear campaign. I am so excited about the new collection! I’m also shipping suits off this week for Miss Teen USA. Sun Kitten is the official swimwear sponsor of Miss Teen USA (as well as Miss USA).” She also extends kind words to the Edmonds family after their recent loss. “I want to share my condolences to the Edmonds family on LeAnn’s passing. My heart breaks for Hayley and Lauren. They lost their mother way too soon. God has blessed them with a wonderful stepmother in Meghan and a very loving father.”
Before traveling to Tahiti our unfortunate Housewives are forced to take part in a couples game night hosted by Meghan. Because Meghan takes her job as being a HashtagCoolStepMom very seriously, Hayley, her 17-year-old stepdaughter is involved in the planning of said party. Meghan, confusing a grownup party with her own Candy Land Princess-themed birthday party, went to Party City and bought balloons and giant bags of candy. If Heather Dubrow were planning this, she’d hire a French chocolatier to hand-craft custom-flavored truffles decorated with the family insignia. Alas, this is Meghan we’re dealing with so Blow Pops it is.
Tamra is preparing to go to Northern California with her mom to witness her granddaughter’s birth. Sarah, Ryan’s wife, has a scheduled c-section and Tamra is bummed Ryan will be in the delivery room instead of the TAM-MA. After all WHO has more experience with babies?! #Astro.
The whole situation is a bit bittersweet, however, because Vicki is leaving for Chicago for her mother’s funeral and Tamra is sad she won’t be able to attend. Tamra deals with her grief by focusing on how she’ll be the hottest grandma in the OC and that her mom Sandra will be the hottest great-grandma. She instructs Sandra to get a full-body health scan and then have some sex for the other type of full-body scan, so she doesn’t die. Only Tamra would combine sex and death and grandmothers in a heart-to-heart. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not…
Last night on Real Housewives Of Orange County the ladies put aside their differences, pettiness, and spite in the name of philanthropy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
In Napa, at the Bello’s fabulous mansion, celebrating COLLETTE, the fabulous non-champagne occupying the niche market of Methode Champenoise, aka sparkling wine coolers, drama is ensuing. When in fabulous surroundings, act not fabulous! Shannon Beador and Meghan KING Edmonds are arguing over being non-charitable regarding Meghan’s wine fundraiser for juvenile diabetes (because nothing says diabetic and kids like wine!).
Meghan doesn’t understand why Shannon doesn’t want to help her host this event, because although Meghan is tall enough to reach the sky, she has difficulty understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around her. I mean, OF COURSE Shannon would want to help some young upstart third wife of a has-been athlete, because charity starts at home among your RHOC kin. DUH!
Real Housewives Of Orange County is a world unlike any other. It is a world in which one hires a premiere cake creator to design a cake shaped like a bottle of champagne. Then one reserves a seat on a private jet to fly said cake to the launch of their said champagne. Then, come to find out, the cake is actually fake – as in not really a cake, but a Styrofoam mold that resembles a cake, and the champagne is not really champagne, but a bubbly wine. Why so much precaution over a fake cake? Styrofoam robustly withstands grubby, unskilled hands of kindergarten crafters like Meghan Edmonds, so certainly it doesn’t need a seatbelt on a private jet, or it’s own personal valet. That’s just one of the many things that ponders me from last night’s episode. There are many, many more…
Heather Dubrow is headed to Napa to launch her champagne, which is not actually champagne, because it is not produced in France, therefore it must be called “Methode Champenoise.” Basically it’s bubbly wine. And calling bubbly wine “methode champenoise” is like calling a car port a “porte-cochere.” You can put fondant on a Styrofoam mold, but it’s still Styrofoam mold! Heather – accept it: you made a designer wine cooler!