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Luann De Lesseps

Once upon a time there was a woman named Pinot Singer who thought she knew a lot about everything and thought no one could see through her. Pinot believed her life was like one of those double-sided mirrors where from one side it looked like a window and from the other side it looked like a mirror. She assumed she could clearly see people and they could see only goodness through her eyes.

Pinot believed  she reflected goodness, honesty, truthfulness, and pleasant goodwill. Pinot was wrong. Pinot is delusional, but delusion is a powerful drug – more powerful than pinot grigio, that’s for sure!

Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies assembled for a mid-day brunch, everyone but Pinot and LuAnn de Lesseps. Thank goodness. I’m not sure what time it was, but there they all were; this gaggle of desperate famewhores (and Carole Radziwill) all dressed up as if they were going to a nightclub when it was 1 in the afternoon, outside, in a dowtown restaurant.

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was pretty low-key and I have to say after all the recent drama with certain other Housewives shows it was refreshing to watch a show that focused on the lives of rich, fabulous women instead of fabricated drama and petty fights. Well there was one petty fight, but it paled in comparison to other recent fights on other Housewives shows. And really I never thought there would come a day when I referred to Pinot Singer as low-key, and she’s not by any normal standards, but alas the pinot hath frozen over.

Things open with Aviva Drescher and her husband Reed meeting Heather Thomson and her husband for a getting to know you dinner. Over salads, Heather shares that though her husband is the son of a famous rabbi and they practice Judaism, she is not a full convert. No, no… she’s merely Jewish by injection only. Well, since there’s no shots the doctor can give you to make you Jewish, I’m going to assume the injection comes from her husband’s kosher sausage.

Among the other shocking revelations that came over dinner was the lurid story of Sonja Morgan and LuAnn de Lesseps bedroom activities and their proximity to Aviva‘s ex-husband. Boy, this man is busy on the Housewives circuit! Is he going to make his way to other franchises? Apparently Harry attended Heather‘s birthday party (does he know everyone associated with this show?) where it was disclosed (discovered?) that he slept with both Sonja AND LuAnn. When – no one seems to know – but it was presumably after the time when Aviva was married to him. A surprised Aviva handled the news with dignity, but disgust. I don’t know about you, but that would be a little too close to comfort for me!

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I’m guessing the newcomers on Real Housewives of New York didn’t realize they would be jumping back into last season!  With Jill Zarin, Kelly Bensimon, and Alex McCord out of the picture, it seems like the Count(l)ess LuAnn and Pinot Singer are vying to see who will be the biggest, baddest housewife in all the Upper East Side land.  The claws are out, which isn’t surprising given this pair.

On the season premiere, Countless told her new co-stars of Ramoana’s threat regarding her children.  The maven of manners also demanded an apology for last season’s drama during a party.  I find her public admonishment of ol’ Crazy Eyes a tad hypocritical, given there is, according to LuAnn, a time and a place for everything.  For example, you don’t talk about losing a parent over drinks with friends.  It’s poor form.  However, making others uncomfortable at a party is completely acceptable behavior.  In her Bravo blog, she explains it all…and with words we serfs can understand.

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We’re bringing you an all new photo post this week!

Above is Lisa Vanderpump, Snooki’s baby bump, Kendra Wilkinson on the Empire State Building, Brandi Glanville, Scott Disick, Giuliana Rancic, Rachel Zoe,

Luann de Lesseps arrives for an appearance on ‘Good Morning America’.

Photo Credit: Mr Blue/WENN

Sonja Morgan arrives at the Good Morning America studios.

Photo Credit: Mr. Blue/WENN.com

Andy Cohen attends a book signing for his new book ‘Most Talkative: Stories From The Front Lines Of Pop Culture’ at Queue Bar at The Cosmopolitan Of Las Vegas.

Photo Credit: DJDM/WENN.com

Adrienne Maloof from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills backstage at the Broadway play ‘End Of The Rainbow’ at the Belasco Theatre.

Photo Credit: Joseph Marzullo/WENN.com

Scott Disick celebrates his 29th Birthday at 1 Oak Nightclub at The Mirage in Las Vegas.

Photo Credit: Judy Eddy/WENN.com

Jersey Shore stars Snooki, JWoww , Deena and Sammi film scenes in Seaside Seaside Heights, NJ.

Photo Credit: C.Smith/ WENN.com

Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump out and about in Malibu.

Photo Credit: WENN.com

Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett attend Spike TV’s 2012 “Guys Choice”.

Photo Credit: Jody Cortes / WENN.com

Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger is spotted at Simon G. Jewelry’s ‘Summer Soiree’ in Vegas.

Photo Credit: DJDM/WENN.com

Melissa Rycroft and Tye Strickland attend Simon G. Jewelry’s ‘Summer Soiree’.

Photo Credit: Judy Eddy/WENN.com

Kourtney Kardashian, Mason Dash Disick and Scott Disick are seen leaving Barneys New York in Beverly Hills.

Photo Credit: (Mandatory): WENN.com

Brandi Glanville shops at Barneys New York in Beverly Hills.

Photo Credit: WENN.com

Kim Kardashian hosts Hard Rock Hotel’s ‘Hottest Party Rehab Sundays’.

Photo Credit: Judy Eddy/WENN.com

Andy Cohen and Giuliana Rancic attend the 2012 Miss USA Pageant at Planet Hollywood in Vegas.

Photo Credit: DJDM/WENN.com

Rob Kardashian attends the Miss USA pageant.

Photo Credit: DJDM/WENN.com

Rachel Zoe leaving the Trump Soho Hotel in NYC.

Photo Credit: Stefan Jeremiah/WENN.com

Carole Radziwill, Aviva Drescher and Heather Thompson attend the viewing party of Season 5.

Photo Credit: Michael Carpenter/ WENN

Former NY Housewife Jill Zarin attends the viewing party of Season 5, held at Frames New York City.

Photo Credit: Michael Carpenter/ WENN.com

Padma Lakshmi attends the 2012 CFDA Fashion Awards held at Alice Tully Hall New York City.

Photo Credit: Andres Otero/ WENN.com

Kendra Wilkinson promotes her new series ‘Kendra On Top’ at the top of the Empire State Building.

Photo Credit: Mr Blue/WENN.com

‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ star Lisa Vanderpump is seen leaving the Ken Paves Salon.

Photo Credit: WENN

Real Housewives of New York had a looooong hiatus while it got all its new ducks in a row. Sadly, either people forgot about them and didn’t bother going back or everyone is still sick of the lingering taint of acidic drama. Regardless of why less and less people tuned in, the ratings for the season five premiere were less than stellar. Like so less than stellar Kim Zolciak‘s wig reveal slammed RHONY!

According to The Huffington Post, the season premiere only drew 1.7 million viewers in it’s 9pm slot. Which is unprecedentedly low for a Housewives season premiere. Just for some perspective – Real Housewives of Orange County (previously the lowest rated in the franchise) got over 2 million viewers for it’s season premiere.

Allegedly Bravo isn’t too upset by the ratings. “Bravo didn’t expect the numbers to be huge,” a network insider revealed. “Monday is a new night for the show and it’s the most competitive night of the week.”

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Well, girls and boys… it finally happened. After months of build-up, Bravo unleashed the New New York and we finally caught a glimpse of Real Housewives of New York without Jill Zaaaaaaaaarin. For those of you who never thought you’d live to see the day – rejoice – but sadly it seems Pinot Singer has hopped right on up into the bitter, negative, biddy role that Jill so recently vacated. Dangit, Pinot!

Last night we were treated to some delightful new blood, and while Sonja Morgan was in good spirits and ready to move on and make new friends but keep the old, LuAnn de Lesseps, Countess no more and Pinot were still circling each other like round the UES rosie with the same old axe to grind. Sonja said the only thing worse than stale brioche at a party is stale guests… well meet your stale guests. Are people still eating brioche?

Things open with LuAnn and newbie Aviva Drescher pretending they’re long lost friends and doing lunch. Let’s just call it what it is – they’ve met each other a total of two times and Bravo is forcing them to interact as buddies to stack the odds. The only interesting thing that came out of this to-do was the revelation that Aviva’s ex-husband Harry has quite the active social life  - so active that he’s dated and most likely boinked LuAnn and Sonja.

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I really think I’m going to enjoy the newest additions to Real Housewives of New York…especially Carole Radziwill.  The widow and journalist (not to mention princess and bestselling author) with close ties to the timeless Kennedy clan will be joining Countess LuAnn and Pinot Singer on the upcoming season.  She was recently interviewed by the New York Post where she described herself as the “unlikely housewife.”  I like her already.

Calling the show a “job offer”, Carole explains, “Critical acclaim is great, and it gets you the corner table, but commercial success pays the bills.”  With the women of New York rumored to be making $500,000 this season, I’d say that’s not too terrible of a payday.

While many ladies try to finagle their way into the franchise by befriending wives or crashing cocktail parties (an estimated 500 women tried out for Beverly Hills), Carole had no desire to pursue reality television.  Of her friend and Bravo King Andy Cohen, she says,“I could probably count on one hand the number of conversations I’ve ever had about the ‘Housewives’ show with him.”

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While Jill Zarin and Alex McCord are officially out of the Real Housewives of New York City, they won’t go quietly into that famewhore night and continue to draw attention to themselves, no matter what. We’ll start with the grossest news. Somehow, Alex was able to get press for a very odd passage in her “urban parenting” book, which was released two years ago, Little Kids Big City. They weren’t getting enough hate messages on Twitter, so they decided to promote the passage below, describing husband Simon VanKempen‘s reaction to the au naturale birth of son, François. Alex describes her natural birth as:

“Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstastic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he’d actually ejaculated though hadn’t felt any of the normal lead-up to that.”

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