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Marysol Patton

Uh oh.  Poor Real Housewives of Miami newbie.  I love the totally plastic Lisa Hochstein, but she's going to have Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen after her screaming trademark infringement….mainly because they have nothing better to do and desperately need to remain relevant.  I kid, I kid.  If anything, Lisa is boosting Silex's t-shirt sales.  The uber-enhanced housewife is sharing her insight on the most recent episode of RHOM, and I have to say, it's both spot on and hilarious.  It's why I adore Lisa–at first glance, you expect nothing under those injections but a ditzy airhead, but she's actually extremely down-to-earth and objective (except when she's bathing her dogs, of course).

Taking to her Bravo blog, Lisa dishes on the fashion show drama that had Marysol Patton literally running away from the teetering and towering drag queen Elaine Lancaster.  Stealing the words right out of Silex's mouth, Lisa writes, “It was the wrong time, wrong place, wrong attitude. She looked like a thug in a cocktail dress," adding, “I understand Elaine was angry, but the pointing, tone of voice and chasing made the guests uncomfortable. Although Elaine is dressed as a woman, she/he is still a man.”

Yes she he is…and a hot mess at that! 

[Photo Credit: Bravo]

 

I think we all learned a good lesson on Real Housewives of Miami last night. Thomas Kramer's house is no place for Housewives of any strife, location, or wig-wearing persuasion. 

The creepy, weird older guy who hosted the ladies of Atlanta on an unforgettable girls weekend two seasons ago, once again did Housewives no favors by hosting the ladies of Miami for an atrocious dinner party where the lest desirable thing at the table was Thomas himself. Look dude, if you think telling an 80-year-old woman to sit down and shut-up because she's nearing her expiration date is going to get you a reality show, you're mistaken. 

Things begin at Lea Black's house with Mama Elsa and a case of missing mozzarella. Apparently Mama Elsa wants Lea and Marysol Patton to make up, but Lea has a conflict of interest – or two. One of them is 8 foot tall drag queen in a 40" wide wig named Elaine Lancaster. And the other is that essentially that The Patton Group screwed up The Black Gala two years in a row and there was nary an apology in sight. 

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This week I had the opportunity to speak with Real Housewives of Miami extra and best friend of Lea Black, the formidable Elaine Lancaster (aka James). James has been a drama-starter all season and we've seen him get into scuffles over issues with Marysol Patton and Mama Elsa

Speaking with James he gave me his perspective on the situation with Marysol and how he believes their feud started. Now, bear in mind this is James' perspective. 

James calls the show a "wonderful experience that has been very cathartic in a lot of ways." James says his issues with Marysol started a "couple of years ago."

He says their relationship was always casual. "We have a lot of the same acquaintances; people that I socialize with on a regular basis," he says and they often saw each other at social events.

James said he always felt Marysol had a "problem" with him, but he's not sure why. He thinks it has something to do with jealousy over him being a "bright light" and charismatic presence on the Miami social scene. 

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Last night on Real Housewives of Miami, things took a turn for the dour. Lets just say there were a lot of tears and too few drunken antics, but sometimes a little Housewives Xanax is needed after all the insanity!

Things begin with Joanna Krupa getting her charity on and thankfully she's not exposing her pubes to raise awareness this time. This time, she's competing in a charity volleyball game. Joanna + bikini = $$. Karent Sierra and Lisa Hochstein are cheering her on – and curiously absent is Romain Zago

A somber Joanna fills them in on the grim reality post boobnight bitchslap. Although Romain and Joanna are still technically living together they barely speak and he works overtime to avoid her. 

Joanna takes to the court and is surprisingly good. For some odd reason I was expecting it to be a gobsmackingly appalling performance. And after the match Romain arrives to show his better late than never version of support. They decide to go have a chat because I mean who doesn't want to have a personal and heartfelt conversation about their relationship in public, at a sporting event?

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Our favorite reality TV stars can’t get enough of the spotlight during their regularly scheduled time slots, so they take to Twitter to share even more of their daily lives with us. And we love them for it! Here’s a roundup of some of our favorite photos from the Twitterverse this week! Enjoy!
 
Above: Shahs of Sunset beauty Lilly Ghalichi tweeted, "‏Filming @bravotv #shahs." 
 
Below you’ll find Twitter pics from Andrea Kelly, Adriana de Moura, Renee Russo, Kyle Richards, Marysol Patton, Tamar Braxton, and more.
 
 
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Last night on Real Housewives of Miami there were dueling psychics, dueling ladies in formal wear, and um… yeah just a lot of straight up unhappiness. If last week's episode was all the debauchery, hedonism, and human sacrifices of Ancient Rome, last night's episode was the aftermath of war. 

It's the day of the annual Blacks Gala and everyone is quite positive no one's nipples will hang out, no one will be thrown into pool Dynasty style, and no one will be doing tequila shots or getting slapped in the face. Oh, no instead they'll be milling around in couture gowns and spending $14,000 bidding on an evening at the Playboy Mansion. The only thing Fembot Fakenstein's boobgerie slapfest has in common with the Black Gala is some of the attendees – and that includes Joe "Cameratime" Francis. Doesn't he have some checks to be writing to Steve Wynn? $40 Million of them to be exact. 

In preparation for the gala, Lea Black is rushing around clutching a bright pink Birkin as if it's an extra appendage. A third arm that is merely a formality and is crap at the useful things like moving tables and directing quack psychics on how to turn glass into music and peace. 

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So last night was really something! Was this DYNASTY or Real Housewives of Miami? I mean a pool fight between queens? Angry ladies in negligees screaming? Champagne glasses being flung? Bitchslapping and accusations flying? Booze and bitching galore? I love it

And in the center of it all stood a series of blurred out nipples over surgically altered boobs. Just the casualties of a lingerie party, I suppose. 

Joanna Krupa is a curious case, isn't she? She's pretty as an angel but she's like a Transformer. She appears like an apparition all soft blonde light and sparkling blue eyes, sweet pink pout and then BOOM! Her hair turns to razor blades that will slice you, her mouth is filled with fire, bullets flying from her nipples (all three of them!), and her eyes become like shards of glass. Joanna will cut a bitch. She will stalk her prey and maul them like a wild beast hungry for dinner. Maybe that's the problem – none of these ladies eat enough and the hunger drives them crazy. 

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Aaaahhh… Miami a town where boobs come out to support charity. And not just the kind of boobs stuffed in a bra. Some of those boobs go by the name Joe Francis

Last night on Real Housewives of Miami there was a ton of T&A – meaning a lot of trashiness and a lot of asses. Poor Fembot Fakenstein got it into her pretty little head that she could upstage the mighty Lea Black, Miami's resident charity queen (maybe?), by hosting a lingerie party to support Susan G. Komen. I bet Susan is so proud.

So Fembot invited 800 of Lenny's boob goddesses, asked them to wear the stuff they normally wear to the supermarket and show up at her house, checks drawn and appetite for liquor, drama, and camera time at the ready. Actually I feel bad for Lisa, I think she really thought this would be a fun event and didn't get the memo that Bravo ruins everything. Better luck next time, toots!

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