We've got a situation here. I blame people's awareness on how harmful UV rays are…and that's a positive. The only good summer color comes from a bottle that may or may not turn your ankles and palms orange. But isn't orange the way the kids from Jersey Shore taught us how to roll?
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino and crew took take pride in having a skin tones that rival that of an Oompah Loompah, so it's no surprise that post-reality show fame, Sitch has attempted to capitalize on the GTL lifestyle that made him a household name. Unfortunately for the employees of his tanning salon, things haven't been so rosy.
I'll admit, my fist pumping has turned into more of a fist wrist flick. Not only did the Jersey Shore end, it ended with a fizzle, not a grenade. It was time, and although I love my gross, orange, drunk, poorly dressed friends, that finale was just too tame. Don't get me wrong…I wasn't looking for alcohol infused antics, but these roommates have shown us time and again that they can entertain without being totally wasted. The pranks, rascal races, family dinners, and meatball auditions were hilarious. The series finale was not.
So, earlier last night we watched the end of an overly tanned, liquor-infused, fist-pumping era. I'll admit, while Paula's cake to Mike was ridiculously disgusting and disturbing, I giggled a bit…and for that, I'm ashamed. Even if the house thought it was funny, it wasn't okay. At all. Now, it's time for the Jersey Shore reunion.
We revisit seasons past: t-shirt time, Snooki's initial entrance into the house, and Vinny's faux hawk. The gang jokes about how their random sayings work their way into the conversations of us regular folks before showing a highlight reel of many roommate fights. While they are all about throwing punches and pulling hair, they can laugh it off knowing they were quick to forgive once everyone got sober. For once, Snooki's hair is more orange than her skin. Cue a duck phone montage. Everyone jokes about Mike's final beat down of the poor mallard.
I'm not going to lie, but I've got some tissue on hand for the series finale of Jersey Shore. I always get super teary when shows end…Zack and Kelly's wedding, the final Family Ties, Who's the Boss, and don't even get me started on Friends! However, I can honestly say I've never gotten sad about the end of a reality show. Hopefully, that's the norm. I don't remember getting upset saying good-bye to any of the Real World casts (more like good riddance!), and I barely noticed when my fave Rosie Pope didn't get renewed. However, for some odd and unknown reason, these orange meatballs and gorilla juiceheads are different.
After being accosted by a friend to give the show a chance, I was appalled. Who wears slippers out in public and thinks it's funny to show their Britneys while on the dance floor? What idiots tan every day and use enough hairspray that we may have cause to sue them for global warming? Sadly, I was quickly won over by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Vinny Guadagnino, DJ Pauly D Delvecchio, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Deena Cortese, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, and Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola. Yes, their antics showed no inkling of decorum or maturity, and yes, I was (and still am) grossed out by many of their actions, but in a world of reality television show where cast mates hate one another, it was beyond refreshing to see this group grow into a legitimate family. I have no doubt that the majority of them will still be pranking each other in the assisted living facility. Hanging out for a day with Vinny and Pauly is on my bucket list. Instead of VPL being code for visible panty line, it would be Vinny/Pauly/Lauren. I digress (what else is new?). On to the recap…I'm wearing my favorite airbrushed tank top, my whitest pair of sneakers, and leopard print track pants. My hand is wrapped around some Ron-Ron juice (kidding, I don't want to die!), and I'm ready to wish these imbeciles well. Do you think it's a coincidence that their show ends the night before many doomsdayers think we're all goners?
The roommates have decided to throw a giant bonfire party on the beach. They plan to invite all of their family and friends to commemorate their final MTV summer together. Pauly and Vinny are in charge of getting wood. Erection jokes ensue. The wood won't fit in their vehicle, so Vinny is forced to wheel it home on the handcart while Pauly follows behind him in the SUV. Classic VP. A party rental place is delivering tables, chairs, and the like. I guess these people can finally afford a legitimate party. They even bring the grill to the beach. Pauly lights the bonfire. Oh yeah, fi-arh, yeah!
I realize they are probably too old to be the party animals they are at this age (although that throws a wrench in my social plans), but they are still human, vulnerable, and fun-loving. You can't help but relate to that…or maybe you can't, but I can.
On last night's episode, the boys have recently made peace with Jionni. Jenni calls Roger who reveals that Jenni has been pot stirring about Jionni's mismatched relationships with the guy roommates. Jenni isn't happy that Jionni says she's been talking crap about her. Rawn is quick to defend Jenni although he knows what was said at the guys' night out. Jenni decides to go straight to the source and calls Jionni. She questions why Jionni thinks that she's been talking smack. As far as Jenni is concerned, Jionni wasn't present for the first half of the summer. He bends, she forgives, and the pair loves each other for the sake of Snooki.
We resume the Jersey Shore with Vinny trying to make amends with Snooki's fiance Jionni…at his future son's baby shower no less. It's super awkward. Jionni questions Vinny about joking that Vin is the actual dad. The conversation is seamless, and all is good in the land of Jionni and Vin. Really? I thought that MTV would have sprung for more drama. Thankfully Jionni's insecurities don't get in the way of a bottle chugging contest. Rawn wins. Who is shocked?
Snooki loves unwrapping baby clothes, champagne, and wine, typical baby shower gifts. Jenni asks Jionni to come around more often which basically calls him out for not being present up to this point. Snooki is just thrilled for a baby day. While she still can't look at Mike, she's excited about all of her presents. Mike is planning his entrance for when he can finally make amends with Snooki. After a Mike-Snooki video montage, Sitch heads to Nicole's apartment. I'm unsure as to whether this is part of his twelve step program. Yikes.
As theJersey Shore's end draws near, one of its former cast members is making a last-ditch effort to remain relevant. Jersey quitter Angelina Pivarnick is desperately looking for a high profile attorney to help her sue MTV.
A source tells TMZ that Angelina is fuming over the way MTV edits her appearances on the show. She feels that they are making her look bad on purpose and that MTV humiliated her by rejecting her request to help with the Restore the Shore special.
Angelina reached out to Gloria Allred, attorney to the f-listers who normally leaps at the chance to rep famous clients and hold press conferences. (But doesn't seem to ever do much in court?) Gloria shot down Angelina's request for representation, saying Angelina's not famous enoughand she doesn't do charity work she's just too busy at the moment.