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Nate Bakke

The Men Tell All, The Parade of Tools, The Reincarnation of the 3 Stooges… however you label it, it’s still the Bachelorette starring Emily Maynard <yawn> Two hours of video recaps and retells taped in front of one very reactive audience <SCREAMS!> makes me wish I drank wine.

Those 3 Stooges would be Kalon McMahon, Ryan Bowers, and Chris Bukowski. They were obviously the stars of the night, with a side dish of Sean Lowe <SCREAMS!>.

Chris Harrison welcomes us by asking, “Who here would finally like to see Emily find the love of her life?” Raising my hand! If it means she’ll go away, then, by all means, let’s get this woman hitched. Jef Holm and Arie Luyendyk, Jr.  are not there, but the men who escaped a lifetime of love few short months of happiness with Emily are. Yippee.

Sean is there! <SCREAMS!> Kalon is there! <BOO!> Seriously, the audience is so over the top.

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Finally, The Bachelorette puts the viewer’s need for travel porn above Emily Maynard’s need to keep her daughter Ricki close to home.  We’re off to Bermuda!  I hope beautiful sandy beaches mean beautiful shirtless men.

The first date card goes to Doug Clerget.  It reads, “Let our senses lead the way.”  Doug remembers there’s a rose on the one-on-one dates.  The guys talk about how much it would suck to come all the way to Bermuda only to have to go right back home.  They’re right, that would suck, but probably not as much as a lifetime with Emily.

I know, I know, America’s sweetheart, search for true love, and all that jazz.  Let’s just agree to compare notes come mid-July.  This season is going to be a smashing success of a love story just to spite me, isn’t it?

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Emily Maynard finally interacts with the “dro” twins, Alejandro and Allesandro, on episode 3 of The Bachelorette. One was definitely worth the wait.  In fact, if I get my way, the star of The Bachelor season 17 was born tonight.  More on that later.  First, we must pick through the drab to get to the awesome.

Speaking of drab, my Tupperware has more personality than Emily Maynard does.  You know what I mean, those bowls that have red sauce forever microwaved into their souls and lids that come out of the dishwasher melted and deformed.  Emily did show some more spunk this week; however, she has hardly any inflection in her voice and that makes it hard to care about what she has to say.  And, I’m not sure how much of it is real “spunk” and how much of it is “entitled princess.”  Tupperware = oozing personality.  Emily = mostly dispensing “golly” and “y’all,” hair smoothing, and teeth licking.

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Before Emily Maynard starts her dates this week on ABC’s The Bachelorette, she meets up with friends and family at the park.  It’s very important, apparently, for Emily and ABC to remind us that she’s just an average single mom living in Charlotte.  At the park, the carpool efforts responsible for getting little Ricki to soccer practice are discussed.  The chat is nothing short of fascinating.  Eh, I’m lying.  The entire segment just reminds me how incredibly dull Emily is.

Next, Chris Harrison explains the dating process to the 19 remaining men.  This week, there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates.  There is a rose up for grabs on each date.  Chris leaves the men with the first date card.  Bobble head Chris wants to see his name on that card.  There’s suspenseful music.  The date goes to Runs with Dog Ryan.  The card reads, “Be my King in Queen City.”   Kalon is annoyed.  Chris is disappointed.

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The eighth season of The Bachelorette vows to be unlike any other.  The famewhore making the decisions this season is Emily Maynard.  America’s sweetheart, America’s famewhore, same difference.  You probably remember Emily from Brad Womack’s second season.  Brad’s the frequent-flyer bachelor who handed out roses in both seasons 11 and 15 of The Bachelor.  His second attempt at true love ended with him proposing to Emily.  Emily accepted Brad’s proposal, but her ridiculously high expectations and naiveté quickly wilted the relationship.

Emily is a single mom.  And, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but she was engaged once before Brad.  She was engaged to Ricky Hendrick, of NASCAR fame, in 2004.  Sadly, on a rainy Sunday afternoon in October of the same year, Ricky boarded a plane sans an ill-feeling Emily.  The plane crashed, leaving behind a pregnant Emily.  Now, Emily is a single mom looking for true love on The Bachelorette.  Even though it didn’t work for her the first time around, she “knows the series works.”  Because, you know, that 17% success rate is a great testament of the true love that comes from appearing on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.  I’m obviously grading on a curve, here.  I’m including Trista Sutter, Jason Mesnick, by way of U-turn, Ashley Hebert, and Ben Flajnik, who is still collecting money on the deal.

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With just three weeks until the premiere of The Bachelorette Season 8, ABC has released the photos of the 25 contestants vying for for Emily Maynard‘s heart!

Emily will traverse the globe looking for love, but her journey will begin in her hometown of Charlotte, NC. Emily will experience her share of ups and downs - namely juggling the show and being a single mom.

According to the ABC press release, Emily is hoping the third times a charm and she will meet the man to spend the rest of her life with! As for what she’s looking for in a man, her requests are simple. “She is looking for someone who makes her laugh, doesn’t take himself too seriously and can be her best friend.”

“Emily feels incredibly grateful to have found her first love when she was very young, and despite not having dated a lot, knows what it’s like to be truly in love. In the past seven years, she has been looking for someone with the same spark she has for life, and she believes that she will find her soul mate on ‘The Bachelorette.’”

The Bachelorette premieres May 19th at 8:30/9:30c on ABC.

[Photo Credits: ABC]

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE NEW SEASON AND EMILY’S GUYS?

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