Last night tables turned wildly onVanderpump Rules when one drunken girl proved that loose lips do in fact sink friendships of convenience with co-workers you don't really like!
Before any of that happens we are treated to the tragic sighting of Stassi Schroeder's a$$. No, no I didn't write "Stassi being an a$$" or "Stassi is an a$$", but literally Stassi's a$$. She spread her cheeks for a bikini waxing. Decency is dead, folks! Apparently the best way to cleanse yourself of the ex you don't really want back but want to keep manipulating is to go hairless!
Stassi makes Katie Maloney go with her but Katie has never waxed. Katie never will again. It's taken me forever to figure out why Katie, whom I refer to as Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No. 1, would dye her hair that unflattering color – and then it hit me. She's literally trying to be Stassi. Same hair style (but shorter), same side part, same color-ish, same mean girl antics. #FalseIdol
Yesterday the cast of Vanderpump Rules hopped on a parade float to act atrociously on slow-motion wheels. The result was horrific.
Things begin with Lisa Vanderpump preparing for the annual SUR gay pride parade float which cues the return of Kevin Lee who was remarkably subdued this episode. Did he get a lobotomy or were Stassi Schroder and Scheana Marie too annoying for me to notice?
Lisa has a meeting in her backyard to let everyone know they'll be impersonating angels on the float – all the boys are wearing Victoria's Secret fashion show cast off wings and Scheana will be shaking her angel-ish-ishy a$$ in a pair of micro-wings. Oh and she'll be singing. "Singing". She's overjoyed. Everyone else dies a slow sinking death.
Every time Scheana autotunes a note, an angel looses its wings and falls from grace! Lisa holds a staff meeting to inform her little devils that they will be undertaking the acting role of their lifetimes. Oh and to remind everyone that Ariana is here to stay and all the rumors better hush-hush or Lisa will force them all to go to hell, which is Stassi's house when she's out of wine and stabbing her Jax Taylor voodoo doll repeatedly and having flashbacks of her pre-chinplant days. The. Horror.
Oh Vanderpump Rules – why you make so many menz cry? Perhaps it's because I grew up in the south but I think a man should drown his tears in whiskey instead. Does that make me a cold-hearted biatchStassi Schroeder?
Last night the gang traveled to LAKE ARROWHEAD, mythical kingdom of all things powerful and magical, or you would have imagined it was by the awestruck way the entire cast said the name over and over again! Jax Taylor is going to implore Stassi's mom to accept him so Stassi will be his girlfriend again. Stassi's mom is pretty much exactly like Stassi – only scarier and with worse hair.
The real reason they're going is so Jax can show Stassi his tattoo – ac-ci-dent-tal-leee, as he takes his shirt off on the beach. "What's that?!" she wonders grabbing his arm? For me… she gasps. 'Next I want you to get my vaj tattoo over your heart. Then I'll love you again. Maybe…' Stassi is slightly disgusted by the gesture but alas her ego explodes into a thousand cosmic rays of gloriosity – someone wants her enough to permanently mutilate their body. Jax and Tom 1 giggle in the bedroom over how well it went. Meanwhile Stassi complains to her mom about how desperate Jax is.
Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. Everyone on this show needs a Lysol bath and a therapist for their narcissism.
Stassi Schroeder, Princess of Booze, Bitchiness, and Over-inflated Egos, has not changed one bit! She is now on a quest for world domination, something she plans to write the POTUS about. Stassi wants to make it a law that she has a pet zombie. I thought Jax Taylor was her pet zombie?
Jax is still in loooourve with Stassi, but doing everything humanly (and zombie-ly) possible to screw it up. All Jax's groveling and begging her dad for forgiveness doesn't count if he's still planning on dipping his wick in the non-insane bitch ladies pool!
Other than JaxAssi acting JaxAssi-ish, Scheana Marie has gone full-fledged SWF nutty! Let's talk about her, shall we? In the off-season Scheana has devoted every moment of her life to worshippingLisa Vanderpump and replacing Brandi as the object of Lisa's maternal affections. Can't Giggy have a baby already? Scheana has also decided Pandora is her BFF - and even better, they share a birthday.
Scheana Marie Famewhore reached new lows in her deplorable groveling famewhoredom by basically sucking up to Stassi and doing her attacking for her. I mean, Scheana – get some self-esteem. Stassi called you a homewrecking, untalented, hooker whore on national TV and tried to get you fired at work. This bitch is not your friend. You are so Fetch from Mean Girls and no matter what you do, you're never going to be a 'thing.' So with that out of the way, let's examine the other shameless ones.
Yes, Stassi and Jax; a tale of amoral and delusional love. I mean they really are sort Natural Born Killers aren't they. Instead of using literal guns they just emotionally decimate everyone in their disgusting quest to one-up each other and seem important. Lisa Vanderpump dutifully called Jax out on using and abusing Laura-Leigh as a pawn; calling into question his ability to deceive on demand and take advantage of someone in an emotionally vulnerable state. She also expressed disgust about his sexual proclivities for unprotected sex. With anyone. "Clearly, it's not working for you," she admonished derisively.
Oh good lord with this show. I really think the cast of Vanderpump Rules should just bottle their tears and sell them as a cocktail at SUR. I mean someone is always crying! In every scene: sob, sob, sob, sob… If Diamond Water can become a thing, Teary Vodka can.
So last night Jax Taylor proved that he is just as self-absorbed as Stassi Schroeder (what did we expect from a male model!) when he dumped rebound girlfriend Laura-Leigh of the Minnie Mouse helium voice and meth addiction after her AA meeting. Yep, that happened – although he told her they could keep having sex.
And in the same episode Stassi showed why she has no friends and is always getting shizzed upon by boyfriends; because she treats people like CRAP! And we all know you treat people how you expect to be treated. Stassi, Princess of Low Self-Esteem. She wears transparent well, doesn't she?
Somebody needs to revoke Jax Taylor's Food Handler's card because our pretty male model made a serious faux pas on last night's Vanderpump Rules with ladylove of the minute Laura Leigh!
Everyone's favorite little reincarnated Minnie Mouse whose voice floats and squeaks with aplomb christened SUR with Jax in a little late-night bathroom hooking up. ON THE FLOOR. Of the VIP bathroom. According to the security guard, he walked in and saw Jax and Laura Leigh trousers down, getting busy. He promptly phoned Ken, who promptly called a PR meeting where he informed the flabbergasted Lisa Vanderpump about extracurricular activities in the workplace. Oh dear – what. a. mess. Literally and figuratively.
I have two things to say about this: 1) Does LL seriously want to be thought of as the gross desperate girl who gets busy on a public restroom floor? Even Britney Spears isn't that dirty.
2) Did Lisa seriously let that get featured on television? Image problem is right! And apparently this is a bit of a trend with LL because the next night she and Jax are out to dinner and they slip into the employee bathroom to reenact their magical moment. Where are the police with public indecency citations when we need them?
Last night on Vanderpump Rules we were treated to Stassi Schroeder's deployment of a new identity and further examples of her meteoritic dissension into crazy fameho of monstrous (monster being the operative word!) proportions.
Apparently no one at Sur ever leaves Sur. It's a vortex of incest or something and I am deeply concerned for the safety of their public restrooms. I would advise our poor Lisa Vanderpump to make STD tests mandatory among the staff. It is a matter of public health. Call the CDC, peeps! And get these souls on match.com – they need to date in the outside world!
So Stassi has left Jax Taylor for Frank. And Jax has a sit-down at the Barbie mansion-come-to-life known as Lisa's house to piteously cry about his egregious behavior in Vegas. For shame, these waxed and buffed specimens parading as menz took their shirts off and pretended to fight. That fighting was reminiscent of a New Kids On The Block video! And Jax still loooorves dear Stassi Staph Infection, but knows he must release her into the wilds.