Peter Madrigal

Tom 2

Well the wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney is going along full-force like the tornado in the Wizard Of Oz. Except instead of being transported to the land of yellow brick roads and ruby slippers, Tom 2 is being chased by the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys. Oh love in the wilds of Vanderpump Rules.

Am I the only person LOVING Tequila Tom?! For all my hatred of Tequila Katie, Tequila Tom needs to stick around a little more! He has bottled the worms of his rage up for too long. Let those suckers crawl OUT.

Peter Madrigal said it when he compared his failed relationship to Stassi Schroeder as like oil and water. “It may look OK when you shake it up…” but in reality it is two disparate things that simply do not stay together in the long term. And that is Tom and Katie. They are the fling that never ends – although it should’ve 200 drunken fights ago. And at this point it doesn’t even look good together anymore. No, anymore it looks like a torn, shredded dress and a slept-in smokey eye.

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Tom 2 in drag

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules poor Tom Schwartz saw the writing on the wall and it said “RUN!” First off, how stupid was the witch hunt over Tom’s two years in the past drunken Vegas hook-up and then Kristen Doute‘s insistence that this is the justified reason Katie Maloney is constantly mean and angry.

I fully agree with Tom Sandoval – that’s ridiculous, and Tom 2 is a “battered wife.” Now I feel more sad watching this. More sad-sad, even, because the only way Tom can tap into his own inner rage and express his feelings is while wearing a dress. Or being tortured by reptiles. When Tom 1 and Jax Taylor are the lone sane members of your collective friend group, things are not going swimmingly.

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Instagram Roundup - Heather Dubrow

In this week’s roundup of social media snapshots, we have the reality TV stars celebrating Valentine’s Day; Erika Girardi, the Toms of Vanderpump Rules, and Lilly Ghalichi visiting New York City; Lisa Vanderpump living her fabulous life; and more.

Above: former Real Housewives of Orange County star Heather Dubrow shamelessly plugs her book, Dr. and Mrs, Guinea Pig, “Barnes and Noble has The BEST books!!!”

Look below for Instagram pictures from Million Dollar Listing LA star Heather Altman, Teen Mom OG‘s Farrah Abraham, Real Housewives Of New York star Bethenny Frankel, Little Women‘s Briana Renee, Real Housewives Of Atlanta star Sheree Whitfield, and more.

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Tom tries to smother Katie with love.

Happy Valentine’s Day, esteemed Reality Tea readers! To demonstrate how much I love you all, here is a gushing, love-filled recap of Vanderpump Rules. Last night, we found ourselves dealing with stinky situations in the city of saints, sinners, and voodoo. No, it was not corpses escaping their graves in a zombie apocalypse, it was just more Tequila Katie.

As always, the three-headed shebeast proceeded to terrorize the menfolk in a manner befitting of epic trilogies from the ancient years before cell phones could take photos and people were able to communicate with only the push of tiny buttons. What I’m saying is that Tom 2 is on his own Odyssey, charting a territory only tepidly paved by Tom 1‘s Iliad before him (that would be surviving Kristen Doute). I can’t compare Jax Taylor to anything other than Dr. Jackhole and Mr. Jax’d. He writes his own unsavory story – warts and all.

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Katie and Scheana fight

You guys, it’s Katie Maloney‘s life, she can ruin it if she wants to, but everyone else better cheer, clap, and act happy! Frankly I’m confused about what’s even going on with Vanderpump Rules. It is all over the place – like we went from church to Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval trying on Lisa Vanderpump‘s bras to dress in drag for Tom Schwartz‘s bachelor party. Read that sentence back to yourself and tell me this show isn’t perplexing?

Last episode ended with SUR’s Aging Warriors stalking and harassing James Kennedy. This episode opens with everyone acting like it was so stupid that anyone would even bother stalking and harassing James Kennedy. Like, DUH! Obviously!

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Vanderpump Rules season 5 cast

I love Vanderpump Rules, but there are just some plot points that don’t really add up to me. Maybe that’s just because I’m a naive purist who’s looking for way too much reality in my reality TV shows. I really do need to accept that a lot of what we get to see is not completely factual, but until then, I still have so many unanswered questions about Vanderpump Rules.

There is just so much going on with this show that drifts away from the show’s initial premise. To be honest, most of it has to deal with these restaurant workers having the funds for their shenanigans and/or the weird web of romance and friendship that everyone seems to be way too accepting of.

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James

Today I come to tell a tale about the World’s Greatest DJ, who was persecuted and stalked, mercilessly harassed, and run out of clubs, all because the world wanted to possess his art and his talent. Naturally, I speak of James Kennedy, The White Kanye, and the rapper on the run from his tormentor Jax Taylor. Such are songs of sorrow played out on Vanderpump Rules.

Oh, last night was a doozy, filled with Ariana Madix‘s infamous sulk and the slow emancipation of Scheana Marie as she suddenly blinked into the light as it dawned on her that Stassi Schroeder‘s power and possession was an elaborate ruse. If only Katie Maloney would see such signs, but alas she’s too busy painting squiggly black lines over the sunrise of truth.

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Jax Gets Roasted

Really Vanderpump Rules has come down to a Fund-Rager and a contrived roast of Jax Taylor, which coincidentally happened while Brittany Cartwright‘s extra-crispy mama is in town? It’s so contrived. All of it. And it really frosts my lipstick.

But first, it’s Tom 1‘s party and everyone will cry if they want to, cry if they want to – you would cry too if these friends happened to you! The boys really got the birthday shafts, didn’t they – the girls got trips to Montauk and NASCAR, and they get made fun of and forced to do charity work. HA.

Well, Tom turned an indeterminate shade of 30 and celebrated not by raising awareness for himself or his attuned and wrinkle-free skin, but by inviting all of his friends to donate their easily-earned money to charity. Kristen Doute brought her crisp $20, handed it to the collection emcee and announced that now she has full-license to be bad for all eternity in exchange for this one good deed. Jax didn’t have that luck – his card was declined when he tried to give a measly $100. His karma, as always, remains, in despair.

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