Yesterday we celebrated a day of extreme national significance. A day that brings attention to the very important cause of narcissism and immaturity. It was Stassi Schroeder's birthday and if I had a dollar for every time I heard that on Vanderpump Rules last night…
Stassi has invited everyone she hates and semi-likes to celebrate her birthday. She invited Scheana Marie in the six seconds they liked each other, but now she regrets it. She did not invite Jax Taylor, so he invited himself. Hey – I'd invite myself on a Vacation by Bravo, too!
Every 15 seconds Stassi gets out her bullhorn and police baton to announce its her birthday and demand people have fun her way or else she'll beat them. This continues throughout the entire episode…
Before leaving,Lisa Vanderpump takes Peter Madrigal out for tea. Peter admits he's going on the trip for the free booze and for the opportunity to laugh at these people. And there will be girls in bikinis too. Lisa seems hesitant to let him go – her only decent employee!
I have to say Jax Taylor was on fire last night with his one-liners. Is the dumb male model thing an act? Nah… I think Lisa Vanderpump was feeding him lines.
Lisa tasks a select bunch of SURvians with hosting a very special elite dinner party filled with important guests. I don't know why she was acting like the over-botoxed trashboxes of RHOBH are anyone special, but I guess she gets paid to act accordingly.
Working with your friends is fun – except when your friends don't act like friends! Tom is all pissy-panties that Jax has been spreading rumors that he hooked up with Ariana in Vegas three years ago. Tom complains that Jax gossips and lies about his friends but then apologies. Basically Jax is male version of Stassi then?
Oh for peet's sake Stassi Schroeder needs to be on meds. She is categorically insane. I mean she must have her own category in the DSM-V.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules the fallout from last week's drunken disclosures continued! So Katie Maloney got like super wasted and her hair turned an even more obnoxious shade of bronze and she also repeated a rumor that Jax Taylor and Kristen Doute slept together when he and Stassi were broken up.
This turns Stassi all shades of paranoid as she starts speculating whether or not the rumors are true. All her 'friends' hoping to replace Kristen whip out their secret stash of bash books to speculate that Kristen could do something like that - and not only that, she would do something like that.
Stassi claims the proof is that Kristen isn't over-reacting when confronted. Maybe because Kristen heard through that same rumor mill that Jax has syphoghonaherphilitis (allegedly) and ain't nobody got time for that!
Last night tables turned wildly onVanderpump Rules when one drunken girl proved that loose lips do in fact sink friendships of convenience with co-workers you don't really like!
Before any of that happens we are treated to the tragic sighting of Stassi Schroeder's a$$. No, no I didn't write "Stassi being an a$$" or "Stassi is an a$$", but literally Stassi's a$$. She spread her cheeks for a bikini waxing. Decency is dead, folks! Apparently the best way to cleanse yourself of the ex you don't really want back but want to keep manipulating is to go hairless!
Stassi makes Katie Maloney go with her but Katie has never waxed. Katie never will again. It's taken me forever to figure out why Katie, whom I refer to as Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend No. 1, would dye her hair that unflattering color – and then it hit me. She's literally trying to be Stassi. Same hair style (but shorter), same side part, same color-ish, same mean girl antics. #FalseIdol
Yesterday the cast of Vanderpump Rules hopped on a parade float to act atrociously on slow-motion wheels. The result was horrific.
Things begin with Lisa Vanderpump preparing for the annual SUR gay pride parade float which cues the return of Kevin Lee who was remarkably subdued this episode. Did he get a lobotomy or were Stassi Schroder and Scheana Marie too annoying for me to notice?
Lisa has a meeting in her backyard to let everyone know they'll be impersonating angels on the float – all the boys are wearing Victoria's Secret fashion show cast off wings and Scheana will be shaking her angel-ish-ishy a$$ in a pair of micro-wings. Oh and she'll be singing. "Singing". She's overjoyed. Everyone else dies a slow sinking death.
Every time Scheana autotunes a note, an angel looses its wings and falls from grace! Lisa holds a staff meeting to inform her little devils that they will be undertaking the acting role of their lifetimes. Oh and to remind everyone that Ariana is here to stay and all the rumors better hush-hush or Lisa will force them all to go to hell, which is Stassi's house when she's out of wine and stabbing her Jax Taylor voodoo doll repeatedly and having flashbacks of her pre-chinplant days. The. Horror.
Oh Vanderpump Rules – why you make so many menz cry? Perhaps it's because I grew up in the south but I think a man should drown his tears in whiskey instead. Does that make me a cold-hearted biatchStassi Schroeder?
Last night the gang traveled to LAKE ARROWHEAD, mythical kingdom of all things powerful and magical, or you would have imagined it was by the awestruck way the entire cast said the name over and over again! Jax Taylor is going to implore Stassi's mom to accept him so Stassi will be his girlfriend again. Stassi's mom is pretty much exactly like Stassi – only scarier and with worse hair.
The real reason they're going is so Jax can show Stassi his tattoo – ac-ci-dent-tal-leee, as he takes his shirt off on the beach. "What's that?!" she wonders grabbing his arm? For me… she gasps. 'Next I want you to get my vaj tattoo over your heart. Then I'll love you again. Maybe…' Stassi is slightly disgusted by the gesture but alas her ego explodes into a thousand cosmic rays of gloriosity – someone wants her enough to permanently mutilate their body. Jax and Tom 1 giggle in the bedroom over how well it went. Meanwhile Stassi complains to her mom about how desperate Jax is.
Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. Everyone on this show needs a Lysol bath and a therapist for their narcissism.
Stassi Schroeder, Princess of Booze, Bitchiness, and Over-inflated Egos, has not changed one bit! She is now on a quest for world domination, something she plans to write the POTUS about. Stassi wants to make it a law that she has a pet zombie. I thought Jax Taylor was her pet zombie?
Jax is still in loooourve with Stassi, but doing everything humanly (and zombie-ly) possible to screw it up. All Jax's groveling and begging her dad for forgiveness doesn't count if he's still planning on dipping his wick in the non-insane bitch ladies pool!
Other than JaxAssi acting JaxAssi-ish, Scheana Marie has gone full-fledged SWF nutty! Let's talk about her, shall we? In the off-season Scheana has devoted every moment of her life to worshippingLisa Vanderpump and replacing Brandi as the object of Lisa's maternal affections. Can't Giggy have a baby already? Scheana has also decided Pandora is her BFF - and even better, they share a birthday.
Scheana Marie Famewhore reached new lows in her deplorable groveling famewhoredom by basically sucking up to Stassi and doing her attacking for her. I mean, Scheana – get some self-esteem. Stassi called you a homewrecking, untalented, hooker whore on national TV and tried to get you fired at work. This bitch is not your friend. You are so Fetch from Mean Girls and no matter what you do, you're never going to be a 'thing.' So with that out of the way, let's examine the other shameless ones.
Yes, Stassi and Jax; a tale of amoral and delusional love. I mean they really are sort Natural Born Killers aren't they. Instead of using literal guns they just emotionally decimate everyone in their disgusting quest to one-up each other and seem important. Lisa Vanderpump dutifully called Jax out on using and abusing Laura-Leigh as a pawn; calling into question his ability to deceive on demand and take advantage of someone in an emotionally vulnerable state. She also expressed disgust about his sexual proclivities for unprotected sex. With anyone. "Clearly, it's not working for you," she admonished derisively.