Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap

Question Marc in Kenya's fake wedding

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta most of the ladies shocked me by putting on their big girl panties and behaving like actual adults. It was like visiting the Twilight Zone with the elegant, sophisticated ladies of Sheree Whitfield‘s dreams.

Porsha Williams finally learned the meaning of the word “accountability” and Cynthia Bailey realized if there’s one thing she discovered in her disastrous co-dependency with NeNe Leakes it’s to honor the friend contracts of her heart. Also, Marlo Hampton may have the best wardrobe, but she and her cat eye glasses are as messy as a litter box and need to be dumped!

You know what I despise about Housewives, how they’ll be in a gorgeous restaurant, all dressed up, then ruin it before the food even arrives! NeNe thinks Porsha deserves to be punished for what she did to NeNe Kandi Burruss. And that punishment is THE DOOR IS CLOSED.

NeNe Leakes

What is it with these ladies on Real Housewives Of Atlanta? NeNe Leakes‘ husband Gregg is having serious health problems, and Kenya Moore‘s grandmother – who raised her! – just died, yet they’re all OK, let’s ditch everything to go party in San Francisco because Sheree Whitfield‘s life coach decided she needs some ME TIME. So, let Sheree take that ME without YOU time – y’all have other things going on!

So Sheree’s ‘doctor’s note’ means she decided to become a life coach herself and stage a rejuvenation from drama bonding trip. Remember how well that worked for Phaedra Parks?! Excuse me, but didn’t NeNe and Kenya actually hate Sheree like 15 minutes ago? Also, why San Francisco? Is there some secret prisoner’s girlfriend seminar happening?

Kim Zolciak Returns To RHOA

Last night, NeNe Leakes hosted a party with a theme that sounded more like a choose your own adventure book. It was girls and gays wearing white who should never forget while eating seafood. We’re not sure what they’re not supposed to forget since NeNe never made that clear. My guess: they’re supposed to remember that NeNe Leakes is the queen of Real Housewives Of Atlanta.

The strangest thing was, this party happened the day after Gregg was released from the hospital for something having to do with an irregular heartbeat, and instead of researching pacemakers, NeNe was researching topless male waiters and choosing themes from the Sheree Whitfield Collection Of Castoff Party Flops. Also, this was after NeNe was late to Gregg’s surgery so she could attend Sheree’s 70’s-70 party.

Sheree Whitfield party planner drama

I’ll tell you what is about the most disappointing thing that could ever happen on a Real Housewives Of Atlanta episode – that I did not get to experience Sheree Whitfield Vs. Party Planner: The Resurrection. I was all excited for a revival of the infamous “Who gon’ check me boo?” moment (like basically my favorite real Housewives moment ever), and instead I got a lackluster mini-fit of Sheree tearing off her mic and acting like a normal person under stress. Let’s just call this what it is – unacceptable!

See, I depend on Sheree to act like, well, Sheree. Sheree of yore, that is. Like “Budget, what’s that?!” This new evolved, life-coached Sheree, who is essentially your average busy-body after an extra pumpkin spice latte and behaves strangely mature-ish (for her), is a real snooze.

Kenya Wedding Veil

Where was NeNe Leakes on last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta? Doesn’t really matter because it turns out the real drama is how the show is driving Kenya Moores 10 second marriage to ruin. The Bravo curse strikes again? Immediately.

Meanwhile, Cynthia Bailey is stranded at the lake all by herself with no one but the leaves to talk to. If it sounds like the start of a bad – very bad – horror movie where a desperate, lonely woman turns to the wrong kind of guy, you’re right! After a relaxing bath, Cynthia finds herself on a date where she is blindfolded and wandering the dark and creepy hallways of a chicken farm while getting her photo taken by Malcolm X’s long-lost twin, Evan.

NeNe & Porsha

Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives Of Atlanta, and things are all a’crazy in the great big blender of Bravo. First of all NeNe Leakes has made her triumphant return to claim her crown has the queen of the peaches. That’s what she thinks anyway. Also, Kenya Moore is FINALLY married. Hallelujah – Jesus exists.

Phaedra Parks is sadly no longer with us after she threw herself a Phuneral By Phaedra with her epic lie about Kandi Burruss last season. Which means Porsha Williams is allllll by her-seeeelf. No Frick, only Frack. Just a girl and her Hennessey and the menz will soon follow, or something!

Kandi continues her quest for world domination with fried chicken. And like fried chicken, everybody wants a piece of Kandi! Her life has become like one of Aunt Bertha‘s sweet potato pies – cut in a million different slices with no one getting a big enough slice. The OLG Restaurant is going great – so long as Kandi is there. Apparently no one is visiting for a Mama Joyce sighting – or they’re afraid she’ll spit in their food.

Phaedra

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta Secrets Revealed episode may has well have been our official goodbye to Phaedra Parks. Her swan song, if you will. At one point she even licked a peach-shaped candle and mocked it for not being a real peach. Art imitating life!

Obviously there was much ado about the drama between Kandi Burruss and Porsha Williams, which we now know was all initiated by Phaedra. Ergo, it was quite funny when Phaedra and Sheree Whitfield visited a book store to see Sheree’s new book, and discussed Kandi and Porsha’s argument.

Phaedra guffawed that she needs to hook up a lie detector test up to some vaginal lips – and isn’t that so ironic?! Girl… you need one here, down there, and everywhere… from your tiny baby toe, to your eyebrow!

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Porsha

Hand me some smelling salts, cause I have the vapors after part 4 of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta! Well all knew it was coming, but somehow seeing Phaedra Parks expose herself as a bonafide liar and a fraud of the sort that even surpasses Housewives nastiness was still a shock! And I don’t even know what to call her, an emotionless vessel of shade that has reached its sell-by date, but that nonsense went TOO FAR! Actually it went beyond crossing the line into crossing the galaxy.

There we all are, sitting on the reunion stage in our sparkly dresses, with our hair all puffed up, and our smirks frozen into irritated condescension, our voices permanently poised at a register for battle and self-defense, when out Porsha Williams came out with the revelation Phaedra is the one who told her of Kandi Burruss‘ alleged plan to drug and rape her one fateful night. Phaedra related that she heard this information this directly from the Kandi Factory – more specifically from Kandi’s mouth.

Since this was no word on the street, Porsha decided it was believable, and “asked” Kandi about it in front of millions, then spent months defending herself against accusations that she’s a liar.

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