So – part 3 of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion, did anyone ask themselves: What the hell did I just watch? I hope it wasn’t just me.
Honestly I have no idea what was even going on except NeNe Leakes was reenacting Sybil with multiple personalities – she was ragey, and laughing, and cagey, yelling, crying, being open, being sympathetic – Lord I need Dr. Jeff to sit next to me on a sofa and stroke my hand. Help me, Dr. Jeff, help me! #ThisAintPhaedra
But first Peter Thomas gets his moment in the sun. He’s been waiting; a peach sitting ripening in the sun until it turned rotten and fell to the earth, but finally someone noticed it – its pit poking through the wrinkled, moldy skin. Kenya Moore and NeNe are yelling about whether or not NeNe flirted with Peter, so finally someone decided to ask Peter, who was inevitably siting right there. Peter denied it, but managed to turned it into a diatribe about how Kenya deserves a million apologies for being wrongly judged by these women because they believed she was flirting with Apollo.
This is the story all about how, Real Housewives Of Atlanta got turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute – just sit right there – to tell you how I became the princess of an African who isn’t really there.
In Hotlanta born and raised, married to money, living in debt was where I spent most of my days. Fillin’ out maxin out AmEx all cool and starting gossip outside The Bailey School. When a couple of unmarrieds who were up to no good started making trouble in my Housewives hood. I got in one little affair with an African, the bitches got loud and said I’m stealing your crown.
I yelled and threatened day after day, to drag her MISS- WHO-S-A title down in shame. So I packed my Firkin and sent us all on plane. Buzzin’ on moscato and throwing’ out shade, I snapped a pic on my iPhone, and said, “I might as well tweet it, but the friendships still fake.’
NeNe Leakes has 99 problems… and they’re all her fault! Her problems include: wigs, friendships, successes, rejection of Claudia Jordan, saying what she said because she said it… NeNe’s refrain throughout the Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion, was “You’re right, I’m wrong.” Probably. No, it’s not NeNe who has a million problems – it’s RHOA… This was supposed to be the SEASON 7 reunion, but almost everything discussed was a SEASON 6 issue. Dejaview!
The only things different are Apollo is incarcerated and Claudia is lapping up everyone’s storyline dregs like she’s been through the dessert on a stallion booty with no name and it’s been good to get into the shade. In Atlanta no one can remember your name unless you try extra hard with the reads and the complaints!
Let’s talk outfits: Porsha Williams‘ was the worst – it looked like a cheap shower curtain. And that train! That girl and her issues with trains. #UndergroundRailroad.
Season 7 of The Real Housewives Of Atlanta has come to an end – now we just have to get through the reunion. Can we? Yes, we can… with vodka. As they say: Life Twirls On… and so does the drama!
NeNe Leakes is in NYC for her debut in Broadway’s Cinderella. She’s got Michael Jackson’s sequined underwear on her head as a hat. Is it better or worse than the wig she’s got on underneath? With rehearsals ending, NeNe walks on the Broadway stage for the first time and is spellbound.
NeNe tosses her sequined-granny panties in the air and spins – not twirls – because she made it after all – away from the little town of Athens, away from the stripper pole, away from Wigs-N-Cigs and Krayonce, and onto the Great White Way where it is ALL. About. NeNe. The fans, the name in lights, the billboards on Times Square – all about NeNe. Those other people standing on stage with her? Mere extras in the giant production of life that is NeNe Leakes: The Impressive Adventures of Success As Told By Success Herself: Blooperella! NeNe admits she’s nervous.
NeNe does recognize she can’t run off stage if things don’t go her way, right?
So when Claudia Jordan was bragging about “doing the work,” I assume she meant to keep her job on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, because that’s the only reason to start drama at a charity event, right? Miss Peace & Positivity of Walmart got janky with NeNe Leakes over a chafing dish of asparagus and Lord she is lucky that NayNay was locked in the Escalade because otherwise that hollandaise would have been all over Claudia’s wig for days!
The ladies have returned from the Philippines and everyone’s like LOOOOOVE! LIIIIIIGHT! We get along! We’re FRIIIIIENDS. Kinda. Until NeNe enters the picture and someone is in the position to get in her face with a pair of chicken tongs! If you had tried that with Kandi Burruss she would have just taken a bite!
Phaedra Parks is hosting a Save Our Sons (S.O.S.) luncheon event which will bring fatherless boys together with successful black men. Everyone is getting along (and Phaedra Parks, Esq. will sue your fake-ass if you cause drama), so all of the ladies are invited. There must have been a dress code imposed because Porsha Williams left her Princess of THOTland ensembles at home – no need to resuscitate anyone in the middle of Arlen Griffin’s speech!
The girls are still in Manila at the uber 5-star peace and progress drama rehab. It’s minutes before they’re supposed to check out but Kenya is still soaking up that last 5 minutes of attention whoring (see what I did there?! LOL) by wandering around the pool in a bikini showing her butt crack to maximum Maxim. What was it Krayonce was screaming about coochie and butt crack? Anyway — that’s all in the past – she wants us to conveniently forget all of her past indiscretions. Hey I will, I want to, let’s move ON! However, if Kenya wants to show Porsha Williams that while she is the one dressed like a THOT on instagram, Kenya was a THOT of the oldschool on such magazines as STUFF and FHM, I’ll go along.
Kenya twirls back to her suite, escorting Claudia Jordan and Cynthia Bailey, the smoke in her tilt-a-twirl’s line of fire. There they discuss the marvel of Phaedra finally talking to Kenya! Claudia secret-smiles over how amazing she is for bringing peace to the group, then our simpering sycophant tells Kenya how much she deserves the apology for all she has put-up with. OK, seriously?
The ladies show up at the airport in good spirits. Porsha Williams had more Louis Vuitton luggage than she has brain cells and negotiating the luggage carousel in heels was like the second coming of Sheneneh. Porsha must look cute because she may meet her future married African sugar daddy husband at the airport! All the single men would rather endure an endless TSA security checkpoint, than deal with PoorTaste – or her baggage!
Upon arriving at the airport Phaedra Parks hid in her limo cause ‘a Krayonce was ‘a comin! She’s been on RHOA trips before… Despite Claudia’s protestations that the Philippines will be positive vibes, Phaedra declares these women would argue even at the second coming of Christ. Of course they would – because Lord knows all of ‘em ain’t getting into heaven!
NeNe Leakes has left the building! And some real-ish therapy happened on Real Housewives Of Atlanta! Well, as real as you’re gonna get from 4 broads whose occupations are Shadeologists (degree available online at Shade U, an akkredited university), and one broad whose occupation is Denialologist, degree available at MamaJoyce Be Your Guide.com. Oh, and NeNe, well she kept it real NeNe – all the problems aren’t her fault, and Dr. Jeff shouldn’t be allowing everyone to “dump” them in her lap on a plate from the buffet. Well Kandi Burruss would still eat it!
Therapy is in progress when NeNe up and flees, toting two Birkins filled with her emotional baggage. Dr. Jeff, the yappy Pomeranian on her heels, begs her to return. NeNe’s glowing red transformer eyes accuse him of allowing everyone to blame her for all the issues. It was a conspiracy! The entire first part of the session, was all NeNe, all times. Usually she likes that sort of thing but not when she’s being told what she doesn’t want to hear!
Dr. Jeff tries to appease NeNe by reminding her that she has so much to contribute. In response NeNe snaps, “You should lose your license!” Dr. Jeff follows NeNe out to her car, counseling her about anger taking her to dark places… She uses all of her self-restraint not to poke his eyes out, then commands the guards to haul him away and throw him in the viper pit.