Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap

Kenya & Phaedra

Despite the failed Restoration on last week’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, I thought people were moving forward, but like Paula Abdul dancing with a cartoon cheetah it was two steps forward and two steps back … except Kenya Moore and Phaedra Parks do NOT go together because sometimes opposites attack!

I gotta say Phaedra really disappointed me. Usually I’d see Kenya as the cartoon cheetah in this scenario, but last night it was sooo Phaedra! One thing about this trip to Maui was that that the ladies really shed their facades and let their guards down for a change.

The episode opens with Kenya and Phaedra playing tennis, bantering as they batted balls – badly – back and forth. Kenya seems hopeful that she and Phaedra are on their way to a real friendship, but Phaedra is still content to keep things at a distance. Although she’s glad she and Kenya aren’t having drama like everyone else. DUH – DUH -DUH… that’s some horror movie foreshadowing right there! Especially when Phaedra mentions, again, that she doesn’t quite trust Kenya (or any of these girls) with the status of her divorce.

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Porsha - Restoration

After watching last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, I have decided two things. Firstly, Porsha Williams owes Kandi Burruss an apology. She admitted she made up the drug and rape rumors, and that was gross, so now she needs to pull her big girl panties out of her butt and say these two simple words, sincerely, “I’m sorry” and she should not expect Kandi to forgive her.

The problem is Porsha told a lie. She told a really damning and smearing lie. While lying is no new thing to this show (and it is amusing that Kenya Moore, who has told more falsehoods than Pinocchio, is the most enraged about Porsha’s lie), Porsha has told a lie that could potentially have legal ramifications or ruin Kandi’s reputation. The worst though is that Porsha doesn’t seem bothered by that, and doesn’t seem to get how bad this is. Nor does she seem bothered that Kandi is so upset. Which is especially disconcerting considering that Porsha and Kandi were once close friends.

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Kandi text messages

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta went left to The Matrix. I don’t even know what happened, but I feel like I entered an alternate universe? Of secret carpet muncher people? Even writing that feels wrong and homophobic. I want to go back home! I want to go click my Louboutins together and be transported to an RHOA of wig tugs, Bloops! and weird pickle photoshoots.

I had forgotten how debased Kandi Burruss and Porsha Williams argument was in the week-off where I watched gorgeous gowns float across the Oscars stage. You can catch up on that recap here.

It was a hard jolt back to reality (I ate the blue pill! On a Monday!) to have the episode open with Porsha accusing Kandi and Todd of possibly planning to drug her then drag her into their hidden sex dungeon. OK – WHAT?!

Porsha “heard this” lurid rumor from someone else. Apparently she believes it. We know how those words on the street work in Atlanta. Turn here for “Liable Suit Way”! Kandi rightfully wants Porsha to present receipts to back-up any of her claims.

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Kandi & Porsha argue

Well, um, who needs a hot shower after last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta?! The ladies were on pu$$y patrol, but there was also slow motion stiletto strolls, butterflies, and some serious Diana Ross, the Studio 54 years, hairstyles.

After a dramatic ‘lesbian’ laden dinner brought the glamping adventure to an end, Kandi Burruss is too upset by the accusations to ride home on the communal bus. Or maybe she was scared she have to confront further issues? One person, Cynthia Bailey, is relieved to be away from pu$$y-related problems, but alas that escape will be short-lived and come right back at Cynthia like getting struck by lightening.

While Marlo Hampton, stirrer of trouble and bubbles, busies herself with selfies, Sheree Whitfield plots and ponders. Specifically she wonders why Phaedra Parks, one of the originators of the ‘Kandi hooks up with girls’ rumors, never backed her bestie Porsha Williams. But for now Porsha is willing to sit in the hotseat alone, except for her girls ‘Coco and Chanel.’

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RHOA cast goes Glamping

Well the ladies of Real Housewives Of Atlanta tried to tame the wild beast of Marlo Hampton‘s gossip-trapping, but instead Sheree Whitfield wound up carrying her bones while Marlo turned their weaves into a cape.

Last night we learned a few important lessons, mostly that we should never ever let the Real Housewives of any ilk attempt the outdoors. Like nice try Phaedra Parks, but just like your maxi dress, the Real Housewives aren’t a right fit for tents.

Getting out of Atlanta is itself a travail after Porsha Williams has surprise invited her sister Lauren to act as a human security blanket against Porsha’s highly tuned rage. While Porsha and Kenya Moore argue about the merits of their communication styles, Prophet Parks interjects commanding them to STOP and to remember they are all strong personalities who act out. Constantly.

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Porsha

So many confusing things about last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Like does Kenya Moore truly not see that she constantly provokes Porsha Williams? And is guilty of most of the same things she accuses Porsha of doing? Like does Sheree Whitfield realize that her messiness is as see through as Marlo Hampton‘s entire wardrobe? And also what is with Cynthia Bailey telling Matt Jordan that his issues with Kenya aren’t that big of a deal?! Cynthia, little tip – psychology 101 at the local community college, please!

It doesn’t matter that the very thought of latrines and paper plates nearly drove everyone to blows over dinner, Phaedra Parks has decided “roughing it” on a glamping trip is just what the group needs to work through their issues. And if not, she’ll put them on toilet digging duty or have them get lost in the woods. Unfortunately, Porsha has been avoiding Phaedra since dinner, over her possible allegiance to Kenya. So, Phaedra decides the thing to do is meet Kenya on mutual territory to discuss how an anger management conversation got so, well, angry.

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Kenya

Well, Real Housewives Of Atlanta started out nicely, didn’t it? Of course, after Jesus fixed things up nice, it went straight down to hell in a hand basket over dinner! Get your prayer cloths and holy water to the fires, y’all!

I, for one, loved seeing Phaedra Parks and Kenya Moore get their glamour and their good intentions on to drive to Detroit in a vintage convertible, letting the shade fly out the window like one of Kenya’s alleged weaves. Phaedra and Kenya are about to spend a week roughing it with children affected by the Flint water crisis at summer camp.

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Phaedra raises money for Flint

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, unexpected things popped up and rendered two girls homeless – which is perfect timing because Phaedra Parks is raising money for charity.

Kenya Moore returns home from Charlotte, to find her house vandalized. It seems Matt Jordan is made of magic carpets, because after driving ALL night to Charlotte where he harassed Kenya at Club One, he turned right around and drove all night back to ATL to smash in Kenya’s garage windows, sprinkle (was that juice? blood? droplets of rage?), break her car window and her back door, and spray paint over her security cameras. Dang – hell hath no fury like a man scorned.

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