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Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap

peter thomas & kordell stewart at the sports one opening with Kenya, Claudia, and Cynthia - RHOA

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta no one wanted to grow up as they took good old fashioned road trips, flirted with the football players, and relived their glory days at Ridgemont High on the last day of senior year. Also, Cynthia Bailey wore a stupid hat in every scene. Are her edges thinning too?!

NeNe Leakes gets picked up at the airport by Greggum, her basement troll clamoring into the sunshine for the first time in weeks, sadly it’s an overcast day and he’s forced to linger in the parking garage until he catches sight of the shiny ring. Still – it is human contact! NeNe reflects on Puerto Rico and acknowledges that maaaaaaybe her comments to Claudia Jordan were crass and terrible, so she apologized. An apology Claudia did not want to take. 

Then NeNe tells us her life used to be a Lifetime Movie and she worked her way through college stripping – basically living Kyle Richards’ dream as played by Tori Spelling circa 1992. Let’s just say, NeNe skipped English 101 in favor of studying Human Sexuality, which is how she knows about the amazing transitive powers of Clawdia’s clit. 

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rhoa cast in puerto rico

In last night’s installment of The Hunger Games: MockingShade 2, the ladies of Real Housewives Of Atlanta insulted each other on every level, then took a break to pass a dildo between their caftans on a beach, and then returned to insulting each other on every level. I like my Housewives classy like that!

We’re at dinner where Claudia Jordan is a whore and NeNe Leakes is fat with seething jealousy and shops at Ross. Now Claudia, you can read NayNay, but please don’t read Ross! I have gotten many things at Ross, including fabulous glasses made to look like Solo Cups! NeNe snaps that her dress is “RUNWAY!” Because when you got them coins they make RUNWAY in your size. That must be the reason NeNe’s dress looks like leftover remains of a circus tent in a Project Runway challenge. “Auf wiedersehen,” Ms. Leakes. 

Claudia rips NeNe for her plastic “hair hat” glued to her head. T’is true – for someone so very rich NeNe has the worst wigs – she may have coins, but she does not use them to pay a hair gay! 

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claudia jordan vs. nene leakes in puerto rico

Was anyone else totally confused by this episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta? I don’t know what was more disturbing: the majorly disjointed story or Claudia Jordan‘s feet. I need some clarity on motives here – and also on shade, which I thought was genteel and left one guessing, not obviously wrong like a bunion crusted-foot. 

The clips set-up this episode to be a big show-down in Puerto Rico between the establishment and the upstarts (not unlike an episode of Downton Abbey, although I dare say Lady Mary’s reads are far superior to anyone on RHOA). And yes, that did happen, but I felt like we’re missing some serious backstory. Was there a reason Phaedra Parks is suddenly gunning for Demetria McKinney like Evander Holyfield? Is Phaedra in love with Roger Bobb too? Speaking which, I beginning to believe Roger the Friendly Ghost comes from Claudia’s mysterious sugar daddy connect – or Kenya Moore‘s over-active iMANgination!

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kandi burruss reacts to shocking news about a rhoa relationship

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta things were shocking, in the invisible fence way. Invisible fences are harder to climb over, as the ladies found out. 

Cynthia Bailey had a dream and that dream is rapidly becoming a nightmare. Because Cynthia is going into business with Peter to open the new Bar One!

Misguidedly, Cynthia is honored that Payday Loan Peter, chose her checking account and she will no longer be a silent fibroid, but a living, breathing bank account. The delusion: it runs deep – certainly deeper than the zeros in ol’ CB’s savings account. Who does Peter think he is married to – NeNe Leakes?!

Cynthia has a dream and that dream is that people do not believe rumors about how she finances all his foolish shenanigans and he married her for a TV show,  free vodka, and VIP strip club access.

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nene leakes hosts a forgiveness summit with kenya, cynthia, and porsha

Oh Real Housewives Of Atlanta  – for all their ‘hate is real’ when it comes right down to it these ladies know how to have a good time! And laughter is the best medicine, as they say. 

NeNe Leakes put on her lace football jersey and strategized about how she could re-unifiy this group, so she invited Cynthia Bailey and Porsha Williams for drinks to help them make amends. But the Hail Mary pass came when she sneak-invited Kenya Moore by telling Cynthia to “bring her girl.”

NeNe didn’t tell Porsha until she was seated at the bar, drink in hand, expecting a good old-fashioned keke about how NeNe should stop wearing denim short-shorts and Cynthia should watch those RHOA flashback scenes with woe because her fashions have gone as downhill as her finances! 

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phaedra parks cries over explaining apollo going to prison to her sons

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta was a modern day fairytale! Maidens dueled over the elusive Roger Bobb, prince of production-ville, NeNe Leakes was cursed by an evil gay and and was doomed to an episode of bad wigs, and Phaedra Parks turned to stone. Ahhh… love! 

Before any of this happens we’re confronted with Mama Joyce. First thing, right out of the gate, like bad news before coffee in the morning that’s too early. Kandi Burruss‘ family is having a BBQ, she arrives with Todd, and she’s not speaking to Joyce because her boyfriend destroyed the house Kandi gave her, which Kandi, for some reason, didn’t know until after she bought MJ a new house. Things that make you go hmm…

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kandi burruss arranges a meeting so the RHOA ladies can work out differences

Kandi Burruss tried to get Jesus to fix it last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, but I don’t know if any divine intervention occurred or not. 

Claudia Jordan has a new place. She wanted to live in a high-rise condo to hang onto her NYC roots and she apparently hit-up Kim Zolciak‘s yardsale to buy a collection of red Solo cups because she has no dishes or furniture to speak of. Claudia isn’t proud – she knows we’ve all spent many a’day sippin’ on Maddog 20/20 like this was 1993 and we’re in a Coolio video. Claudia invites Kenya Moore over to show off the new place, but then immediately puts her to work assembling iKea furniture while chugging wine out of said Solo cups. Kenya’s all like I didn’t wear my only pair of Louboutins for this. Then she wonders if Claudia has been buying her Louboutins from a Made In Hong Kong authentic discount site and painting the soles red herself. I mean, the only red bottoms that seem authentic in Claudia’s place are the cups! 

Later Claudia and Kenya go to the gym under the pretense of Claudia getting her own stallion booty. Why doesn’t she just ask for the name of Kenya’s Mexican butt doctor? Claudia grew up with an Italian immigrant mother and a black father from NYC. Her dad left when they were kids and she doesn’t have much of a relationship with him.

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kenya moore is shocked people still don't believe her after apollo admitted to lying
Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta, a certain former beauty queen showed emotions other than shade and venom! Kenya Moore, tired of being blamed for an offense she did not commit, tired of being yanked into bitter marital drama, lost it. And dang if she didn’t give me just the teeniest twinge of sympathy pangs. Don’t worry – they’ll be short-lived!

I just want to get this out of the way first since we’re apparently gonna have to talk about this Kenya/Apollo Nida mess endlessly, my opinion is this: Apollo is a liar. End of story. Phaedra Parks and Kenya need to sit down, one-on-one, woman-to-woman and without shade. 

Moving on, Kandi Burruss business is a mess – she’s paying employees who are letting her down by not completing projects. This is what happens when you employ friends! Despite Mama Joyce calling Todd an “opportunist” – it seems like he’s the only person wanting Kandi’s business to grow and produce! He tells Kandi she needs to get her team – led by Don Juan – motivated to produce results. Kandi’s all like ohhhhnooooo… conflict. Ummm… errrrrr… lemme put on my most professional figure skating costume with the gold sparkly leotard and get these people in line because I sign their paychecks and Mama Joyce needs another new house!

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