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Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta lost one Wig Zolciak and gained one Porsha Stewart – officially – and then they said good riddance to bad rubbish and headed to paradise. Sadly it was a bit of paradise lost when Kenya Moore lost it and got frisky, handsy, desperate and crazy. I don't ever want to hear her telling anyone how they should behave again after she fondled two women's husbands and solicited a concierge for a sperm donation. On twitter she blamed her antics on the "ah ah ah ah alcohol" Girl – there are no words. 

Things pick off where they left off last week with Kim storming out of the restaurant during the pre-Anguilla planning brunch. Kim stomps outside and immediately smacks a camera man, telling him, "get the f–k out of my face!" The camera crew laughs and is like, 'Please bitch, it's called a contract and you signed one!'

This is cue for Kroy Biermann (remember when we all thought he was so nice and sweet and too good for Kim?) to leap from the waiting Escalade – still driving the car Big Poppa bought, I see – and start screaming and threatening the camera crew. Oh Gomer Pyle you're so tuff. You lose your dignity over lady wig and you yell that f-word loud and proud so your mama in Montana can hear. Right. So anyone else so tired of the wigs and cigs hour?

After that the camera man reminds Kroy that Bravo will slap his butt with a lawsuit and that's not the sort of being f–ked he wants to deal with so better get in the car and drive away. 

And with that Wig and Gomer drove off to the townhouse Big Poppa bought and Kim screamed "I'm done!" 

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So last night Real Housewives of Atlanta was filled with Wig People Problems. Oh, wigs were disappearing and telling tall tales and making excuses and dealing with dog poop and storming out and doing some math wrong and disappearing. There were wignanigans all over the place.

And luckily NeNe Leakes was on hand to provide riotous commentary on every last wigantic. And she finally got to use her Wig Be Gone (sold separately, includes S&H) – and poof! Kim Zolciak, her wig collection, and her stories that change as often as said wigs fled in the wake of a Housewives revolt. And we bid her adieu. Will we miss her? Sure. I mean, she is a snark lovers dream!

Other things happened last night, Kenya Moore's crazy got even MORE crazy as she turned her attentions towards another lady's man. Cynthia Bailey tried to pretend that going on vacation with all the ladies of the RHOA was her dream come true. Yeah, but instead of speaker phone invites (the classic!) we got sit down personalized invites. 

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"F*** me now, slave – or I'll spend more of your money on Versace china and wigs!" 

Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was a lesson in living large, but not necessarily in charge. We spent our last day in Casa de Eviction where the Zolciak-Biermann fam was unceremoniously tossed out, left to the mercies of a generic moving company and schlepping 17,000 square feet of wigs back to Big Poppa's condo. Le sigh. My how the delusions of grandeur have fallen. 

Elsewhere Kenya Moore continued to rock crazy like it's a pair of Louboutins. I would say she wears it well, but she doesn't. Instead she comes off looking the girl in foolboutins. I think they sell them at Payless. BOGO bitches!

Things begin at Casa de Eviction, where Kim Zolciak, wig askew, is like freaking out. She's got a whole house to move and one day to do it and no one is helping her. So she storms around ranting and blaming the movers for everything. Sweetie is shockingly the voice of reason as she tries to steer Kim in the direction of focusing on the important things – packing her wigs and makeup. Apparently Sweetie wants to spare us a Kim sans her face. 

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Oh, Real Housewives of Atlanta is not disappointing this season, is it? These ladies decided to bring their A-game, shake things up, and screw with the conventional norms. Behold, NeNe Leakes has suddenly undergone some sort of an Oprah/Iyanla reinvention and is above petty drama and all about peace, love, and miniature people friendships. 

And Cynthia Bailey is now in your face, cutting claws, and getting catty. And who else is switching things up? Why Kandi Burruss! Apparently love brings out her sassy side. 

In addition to all this fuckery we are also forced to contend with Kenya Moore. And Kenya Moore is certifiable. I mean girl, really – you thought reality TV was the best outlet for your mental instability? Or perhaps lady is just really, really trying to score some Academy Award winning acting gigs… 

So let's get this thing started! 

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Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta – and so far, I'm liking things. We checked in with all the housewives, where we learned that the more some people change, the more they stay the same! And we unfortunately met new Housewife, Kenya Moore.

She made a helluva a first impression – I now totally associate Kenya with "coochie crack." Here's how she introduced herself: She yelled "coochie crack" at the top of her lungs about 20 times, then screamed 'SECURITY!' like she was some sort of A-Lister up there with Victoria Beckham. Right, so this one's a live-wire! 

Things begin with the very, very rich Ms. NeNe Leakes, who is channeling Bret Michaels realness with that bandana. Surprisingly Greggalicious is also part of the equation. He's fetching her mail and begging her for some love. My how the tables have turned now that NeNe holds the keys – and the wallet! NeNe is playing coy about rekindling things with Gregg. C'mon – you know these two are meant to be and I sort of love them together. 

NeNe explains that she's also been method acting and exuding her inner Kim Zolciak by practicing trailer living on the set of The New Normal. And our first kapow of the season. I have so missed my NeNeisms. 

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Well, I knew this was going to be a lackluster season of Real Housewives of Atlanta when Bravo didn’t even bother to redo the infamous intros. And I was right. The season finale served us vibrators, gifts galore, and really nothing much–but it’s all over but the crying, aka the reunion; which is where the good stuff usually happens anyway.

Things started out with Cynthia Bailey and NeNe Leakes furniture shopping; which quickly turned into therapy replete with a sofa long enough for even NeNe to lay down on. NeNe is looking for a sectional–and a second chance at love as she announces that she’s made her decision and is going through with her divorce. Maybe it wasn’t a storyline attempt to get a spin-off after all?

NeNe announces the end of her marriage is like a death–perhaps she can employ Phunerals by Phaedra for a burial service worth dying for! I see trumpets, top hats, and horse-drawn carriages in store for your marriage license, former Mrs. Leakes. NeNe knows Gregg will continue to be a wonderful father and friend–but sadly he must cease to remain a booty call.

And onto more TMI. Kandi Burruss receives her boxes of Bedroom Kandi products. Here comes Happiness and Joy. I’m scared…  She and her Xscape days acidwash micro-mini (holy ’80s) get right to Skype-ing Suki about the new products. Kandi is planning a launch party and she wants to create an evening of pleasure for women. It will feature massages, hot men, and sex toys. I’m pretty sure that’s also called the AVN awards, but anyway.

Kandi lets us know she has been testing the wares and they are so successful at getting their point across, she hasn’t even gotten to vibrate to the music. Suki then announces the “clit-stick” is ready–and it’s waterproof. Kandi proves her freak number is a straight ten when she mentions she could take it on an airplane and no one would know she’s having a pleasure party in her pants. Remind me never to fly first class out of Atlanta for fear of sitting next to Ms. Mile High Self-Rub.

Moving on, Cynthia is also testing out her new products by hosting the first ever Bailey Agency Modeling search. It’s pretty much a low-budget, generic ANTM without Nigel Barker, The J‘s, or Tyra‘s spirited and impassioned speechesl. Lame. Cynthia excitedly finds a few girls which will get free entrance into her school of modeling. There she’ll them the art of being oblivious and how to marry a Papa Smurf all their own. Peter, who is coordinating everything in absence of Mal,  shocks the pants off me when he actually stays for the whole event! Is this a new Peter? Turning over a new leaf? Good for him!

Kandi is also sampling models as she scouts attractive men to take off their shirts and administer massages at the Bedroom Kandi launch. Phaedra Parks and She by Shefired are assisting her with the arduous task of examining attractive men and sexually harassing them. Bravo loves them some rowdy women with raunchy senses of humor, don’t they? Phaedra is, of course, up to the task of examining donkey booties and suggests the men wear Speedos for the main event. Shockingly Kandi vetos that and it’s decided the men will wear pants with a lining to prevent any sort of protruding elements. Everybody knows the lining makes all the difference….

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, all the ladies conducted themselves with dignity and nobody got hurt. Kim finally convinced someone to marry her, and NeNe contemplated leaving Haterville behind for the wilds of Los Angeles – where no one is fake. Nope – not in the least! Oh, and Phaedra announced that her phuneral home was coming soon. Watch out Atlantians – you’re about to be buried with style.

Things begin with Cynthia and Kim meeting each other for lunch. If you said “say what?” you’re not the only one. But apparently, Cyn decided handling things like an adult was better than getting into a screaming match in a church parking lot, so she invited Kim to lunch to work out their differences.

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Have you ever watched a TV show and had absolutely NO idea what happened? Yeah, that was pretty much my experience watching last night’s boring episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta. So, Phaedra hosted a dedication for Ayden and I don’t know what all that pomp and circumstance was about, but it was very cute. Sheree, at the behest of Bravo, tried to force Damon to propose to her daughter, and Kim and Cynthia had the meekest, tamest showdown in RHOA history. Where’s NeNe when you need her! So, let’s get this recap started!

Things begin with Phaedra running around the church, planning Ayden‘s dedication. Phaedra’s white jeans are distracting me, I hate white jeans. I initially thought it was a baptism and became alarmed, because Bravo’s track record with christenings is not so hot. Bravo certainly likes to use children’s religious ceremonies to create drama, doesn’t it? Anyway, this was a dedication. And it involves the baby being carried on a floating sled thing called a palanquin, surrounded by other children in white, who are ringing bells. Or, maybe that’s just Phaedra’s take on the situation. By the way, did anyone think Phaedra’s pastor was Bobby Brown for a second?!

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