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Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap

Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta – and so far, I'm liking things. We checked in with all the housewives, where we learned that the more some people change, the more they stay the same! And we unfortunately met new Housewife, Kenya Moore.

She made a helluva a first impression – I now totally associate Kenya with "coochie crack." Here's how she introduced herself: She yelled "coochie crack" at the top of her lungs about 20 times, then screamed 'SECURITY!' like she was some sort of A-Lister up there with Victoria Beckham. Right, so this one's a live-wire! 

Things begin with the very, very rich Ms. NeNe Leakes, who is channeling Bret Michaels realness with that bandana. Surprisingly Greggalicious is also part of the equation. He's fetching her mail and begging her for some love. My how the tables have turned now that NeNe holds the keys – and the wallet! NeNe is playing coy about rekindling things with Gregg. C'mon – you know these two are meant to be and I sort of love them together. 

NeNe explains that she's also been method acting and exuding her inner Kim Zolciak by practicing trailer living on the set of The New Normal. And our first kapow of the season. I have so missed my NeNeisms. 

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Well, I knew this was going to be a lackluster season of Real Housewives of Atlanta when Bravo didn’t even bother to redo the infamous intros. And I was right. The season finale served us vibrators, gifts galore, and really nothing much–but it’s all over but the crying, aka the reunion; which is where the good stuff usually happens anyway.

Things started out with Cynthia Bailey and NeNe Leakes furniture shopping; which quickly turned into therapy replete with a sofa long enough for even NeNe to lay down on. NeNe is looking for a sectional–and a second chance at love as she announces that she’s made her decision and is going through with her divorce. Maybe it wasn’t a storyline attempt to get a spin-off after all?

NeNe announces the end of her marriage is like a death–perhaps she can employ Phunerals by Phaedra for a burial service worth dying for! I see trumpets, top hats, and horse-drawn carriages in store for your marriage license, former Mrs. Leakes. NeNe knows Gregg will continue to be a wonderful father and friend–but sadly he must cease to remain a booty call.

And onto more TMI. Kandi Burruss receives her boxes of Bedroom Kandi products. Here comes Happiness and Joy. I’m scared…  She and her Xscape days acidwash micro-mini (holy ’80s) get right to Skype-ing Suki about the new products. Kandi is planning a launch party and she wants to create an evening of pleasure for women. It will feature massages, hot men, and sex toys. I’m pretty sure that’s also called the AVN awards, but anyway.

Kandi lets us know she has been testing the wares and they are so successful at getting their point across, she hasn’t even gotten to vibrate to the music. Suki then announces the “clit-stick” is ready–and it’s waterproof. Kandi proves her freak number is a straight ten when she mentions she could take it on an airplane and no one would know she’s having a pleasure party in her pants. Remind me never to fly first class out of Atlanta for fear of sitting next to Ms. Mile High Self-Rub.

Moving on, Cynthia is also testing out her new products by hosting the first ever Bailey Agency Modeling search. It’s pretty much a low-budget, generic ANTM without Nigel Barker, The J‘s, or Tyra‘s spirited and impassioned speechesl. Lame. Cynthia excitedly finds a few girls which will get free entrance into her school of modeling. There she’ll them the art of being oblivious and how to marry a Papa Smurf all their own. Peter, who is coordinating everything in absence of Mal,  shocks the pants off me when he actually stays for the whole event! Is this a new Peter? Turning over a new leaf? Good for him!

Kandi is also sampling models as she scouts attractive men to take off their shirts and administer massages at the Bedroom Kandi launch. Phaedra Parks and She by Shefired are assisting her with the arduous task of examining attractive men and sexually harassing them. Bravo loves them some rowdy women with raunchy senses of humor, don’t they? Phaedra is, of course, up to the task of examining donkey booties and suggests the men wear Speedos for the main event. Shockingly Kandi vetos that and it’s decided the men will wear pants with a lining to prevent any sort of protruding elements. Everybody knows the lining makes all the difference….

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, all the ladies conducted themselves with dignity and nobody got hurt. Kim finally convinced someone to marry her, and NeNe contemplated leaving Haterville behind for the wilds of Los Angeles – where no one is fake. Nope – not in the least! Oh, and Phaedra announced that her phuneral home was coming soon. Watch out Atlantians – you’re about to be buried with style.

Things begin with Cynthia and Kim meeting each other for lunch. If you said “say what?” you’re not the only one. But apparently, Cyn decided handling things like an adult was better than getting into a screaming match in a church parking lot, so she invited Kim to lunch to work out their differences.

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Have you ever watched a TV show and had absolutely NO idea what happened? Yeah, that was pretty much my experience watching last night’s boring episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta. So, Phaedra hosted a dedication for Ayden and I don’t know what all that pomp and circumstance was about, but it was very cute. Sheree, at the behest of Bravo, tried to force Damon to propose to her daughter, and Kim and Cynthia had the meekest, tamest showdown in RHOA history. Where’s NeNe when you need her! So, let’s get this recap started!

Things begin with Phaedra running around the church, planning Ayden‘s dedication. Phaedra’s white jeans are distracting me, I hate white jeans. I initially thought it was a baptism and became alarmed, because Bravo’s track record with christenings is not so hot. Bravo certainly likes to use children’s religious ceremonies to create drama, doesn’t it? Anyway, this was a dedication. And it involves the baby being carried on a floating sled thing called a palanquin, surrounded by other children in white, who are ringing bells. Or, maybe that’s just Phaedra’s take on the situation. By the way, did anyone think Phaedra’s pastor was Bobby Brown for a second?!

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Babies and spin-offs and drama, oh my! It’s been a big week for Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Kim Zolciak, as she dropped a pregnancy bomb on the media. Not to be overshadowed, her nemesis NeNe Leakes took to Twitter to debunk spin-off rumors and declare her love for Gregg.

As you know, Kim recently announced she was pregnant for a second time with husband Kroy Biermann. Just in time to start promoting that spin-off “Don’t Be Tardy For The Wedding“! Rumors circulated that Kim was pregnant with another boy, but the bewigged one is claiming she hasn’t told anyone what she’s having yet!

Of course, as with all good speculation, there’s an unidentified source who claims, “They’re so excited because Kim already had two girls and now that she’s having a second son, the family will be balanced out with two of each.” However, Kim wants everyone to know that there can be no “secret source” as the couple hasn’t told anyone the baby’s gender! What better way to spread that news than via Twitter.

“@biermann71 and I JUST found out the sex of the baby a couple days ago of and we have NOT told a soul soooo all this speculation is funny!!”, Kim Tweeted. “Although I know the gender we just want a healthy baby,” she added.

Kim also confirmed that the couple has picked a baby name. “wait til u hear the new babies name ;) we came up with it all on our own ;),” she teased.

Moving on from Kim to her former bestie, one has to wonder: Is NeNe Leakes getting too big for her britches? And by britches, I mean Atlanta. After her recent stint on Glee, it seems that the Neenster is more of a star than any of her RHOA counterparts, and she doesn’t need to follow in their footsteps (ahem, Kim and Kandi Burrus!) with a spin-off. NeNe recently shared with her followers on Twitter (where else?) that she had been approached about doing her own show, but for now she prefers “acting & talk show hosting.” Her fans don’t want her going anywhere though, as they love her on RHOA, with one tweeting, “just don’t leave #RHOA u make the show.” The always humble NeNe’s reply? “Ur right abt that because these chicks r boring.”

NeNe also used her Twitter page to show her softer side and discuss her relationship with Gregg. While the recent episodes have shown NeNe struggling with the finality of her divorce, her heart, it seems, may still be with her estranged husband. When asked by a fan if she thought that she and Gregg may be able to work through their differences, NeNe responded, “Hopefully some day! We hav [sic] an unbreakable bond.”

Not shockingly, NeNe didn’t give direct answers when responding to questions about the state of her relationship. When a fan inquired, “R u & Greg tryin 2 work things out ? I hope so u guys seem like wonderful parents,” NeNe avoided the question, but stated, “Greg is my 1 & only Tru love.”

And fear not RHOA fans, you still have a few episodes of the drama to enjoy before the reunion madness ensues! NeNe tweeted, “we have 3 more episodes then the reunion begins.”

On tonight’s episode, Kim and Cynthia are the only ladies to make it to Phaedra’s ginormous Christening party for Aiden, and the passive aggressiveness ensues when they must sit at the same table. After making some comments about the Africa trip, Cynthia and Peter dip out, with Kim going after her for a confrontation. Speaking of parties, Kim is planning a surprise party for Kroy’s homecoming. Am I the only person who is grossed out to learn that Kim dries her wigs in the microwave? Sheree helps her daughter’s boyfriend pick out an engagement ring, but here’s hoping she doesn’t scare him off with her expensive taste and advice to “work overtime” to afford it.

A new episode airs tonight at 8PM ET on Bravo. Watch a preview clip below!

THOUGHTS ON KIM’S LATEST PREGNANCY? DO YOU THINK SHE’S HAVING A BOY OR A GIRL? DO YOU THINK NENE WOULD REALLY TURN DOWN A SPIN-OFF? WILL SHE AND GREGG RECONCILE?

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, NeNe couldn’t go through with finalizing her divorce and Cynthia divorced her sister by asking her to stay out of her marriage. Kim and Kandi made amends and Kandi successfully wrote a country song with artist Jo Dee Messina. Sheree learned that Tierra‘s boyfriend is planning to propose – and has already asked Bob for his consent!

Things start out at Cynthia‘s house. Peter and Cynthia are both upset about Mal‘s behavior at their anniversary party. Cynthia decides she is done with their fighting, to which Peter claims, he has no issues with Mal he just doesn’t want to deal with her.

Moving on, Kim and Kandi get together for a heart to heart at her new rent-a-mcmansion. Kim acts as if she is lady of the manor, but she’s really hoochie on the hill. I did like her red striped sofa. Kandi and Kim discuss how their friendship got so off track, and it basically is because of a little track known as, Tardy For The Party. They agree business and friendship don’t mix and I notice Kim never apologized for stealing Kandi’s money!

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta featured a lot of bad evening attire. Whew. That mess of bad fashion at the anniversary party was so distracting, was it not? We also got some family drama, and Kim playing her new role of lady of the rented mcmansion. Oh, and Phaedra embalmed a dummy!

Things begin with Kim storming around her garage, ordering Sweetie and her father around under the guise of organizing before Kroy comes home. Kim is quite the hoarder collector! Kim claims she’s helping with the shuffling of boxes across the garage, but she’s really just barking orders. Sweetie threatens to call Clark Howard, who is some guy on the local news that exposes employers who mistreat their employees. Yes, Sweetie needs to get on that call.

Sweetie takes a cigarette break and Kim freaks out, chasing her all over the house bellowing and threatening. #timemanagement. Kim explains that Sweetie has become more of a friend than employee, and doesn’t take her job seriously. Is it because Kim has become more of a joke than ever? Although I agree, Sweetie needs to do her job or quit. Kim’s father tells her she needs yoga, she misses the point and says she’s already lost weight. I think he meant she needs to calm down. BTW – is anyone else not surprised Big Poppa is allegedly broke after seeing all that loot?

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Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta, the ladies returned to the States, to nothing but drama. NeNe learned Bryson got arrested, Peter is spending more money Cynthia can’t afford to waste, and Kim is furious over Kandi‘s alleged “black babies” comment with Sheree stirring the pot all the way to millionaire’s row! Oh, these girls – no moving experience in Africa was going to move them!

The women are getting ready to leave South Africa. Marlo has the housekeeper bring her an icee and pack up all her things, while she lounges on the bed barking instructions. I’m very surprised she and Kim don’t get along better – they have many similarities! Meanwhile, NeNe needs help zipping and hauling all her Louis VOO-Tawn luggage to the car.

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