We had Krazy Kenya Moore and more crazy Mama Joyce and we had busloads of drama. I'm glad I was sitting down, sipping on some chilled wine because otherwise I would have needed my own dose of psych meds!
Let's rip this mess apart.
So NeNe Leakes is in her store-sized closet (she oughtta start letting 'bout to be broke Porsha Stewart shop in there. More on her later) packing for Savannah. She's excited to be planning a girls' bonding trip and Gregg is excited to be fitting into NeNe's shoes. They wear the same size. They should dress up as each other for Halloween.
On the other side of town Kandi Burruss pays a visit to Cynthia Bailey to bond over mamas who hate their man and wanting to cancel their weddings. Was that an episode of Jenny Jones ten years ago? Anyway, Kandi breaks down sobbing as she recounts for Cynthia the incidents at the bridal boutique the week before. Cynthia is shocked that Mama Joyce and the Aunts went all OLG: Old Lady Gang and got crunk amid some big ol' white ball gowns. Say Yes To SECURRRTY!
Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was um… well, lemme just say this: they need to get a psychiatrist on that show to deal with all the crazies cause they are multiplying faster than we can keep up. Screw a reunion, let's just call Dr. Phil!
Things begin with Kandi Burruss discussing Mama Joyce drama with her assistant/BFF Carmon. They're looking at wedding magazines, but they should have been looking at catalogs for mental hospitals!
Carmon is not happy that Joyce is slandering her all over town by spreading completely baseless rumors that Carmon is sleeping with Todd. All because Todd is hanging in some photos in Kandi's hallway. If I were Todd I would hang the photos of Mama Joyce in the basement – behind the water heater.
Things naturally begin at a sex swing lesson. Kenya (rocking some leggings so tight I swear they had to be surgically removed and coochie crack was as well as booty crack imminent) has all her faux assets on display as she swings upside down. 'Weeeeeee! I'm gone with the wind fabulous!' she's cheering to herself when Kandi Burruss walks in.
Speaking for the masses, Kandi announces she is over Gone With The Wind Fabulous: "The wind is gone. It's blown away." Amen. Kandi demures participating in sex swinging because she sprained her ankle falling off some heels. The real reason for this meet up is investigative journalism. Kandi wants to know the true nature of Kenya and Apollo's texting. Or was it sexting…
Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta things continued to be down for our ladies as they dealt with family and marriage problems, divorce, eviction(!), surgery, and unemployment.
Things begin with Kandi Burruss talking to production partner Don Juan. Kandi has a brand new office and tells us she writes her best songs when going through complicated situations. And complicated is about to get more complicated as Don Juan has obviously been talking to Mama Joyce about Todd! `
Don is worried Kandi will let love get in the way of her seeing dollar signs and that her business will suffer. Ok – Poor Kandi! Seriously why is everyone all over this girl's bank account? Back off her, gold diggers! She needs to write a new version of No Scrubs!
Kandi discusses the situation with daughter Riley who reminds her mom that her marriage will have to come before her relationship with Joyce, who is either going to have to accept Todd or not! Watch Kandi write the best songs of her career and not give anyone a dime! #Scrubless
Things begin with Miss WHO-S-A pageant waving as she leaves the courthouse after her eviction hearing. There's like 4 bored looking photographers standing around checking their watches as Kenya breezes out clutching her chest gasping, 'For meeeee?! Lil' ol' meeee?! Oh being famous… it's such a responsibility.' One of the photographers looks around and asks, 'I thought NeNe Leakes was gonna be here?' Jussst kidding, but you know Kenya called those paps herself and now she's trying to pretend she's A-list. Girl, that ship done sailed! She claims she won her eviction case.
Later she goes for drinks with NeNe to discuss their argument atCynthia Bailey's launch. Krayonce turns on those pageant tears to sniffle about how she has been displaced from her home and no one reached out like she's some sort of suburban refugee. NeNe shoots her a girl please look and reminds her that she's supposed to be a multi-millionaire producer, director, booty boosting guru, man-eating queen, so how can she be homeless? Kenya is like yeah, all that's true but I still need friends and none of you were there for me.
Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta. I so forgot how deliciously shade-full and snarky these ladies are. Of course there was also Krayonce… who is just as kraysane as always!
Everyone has had a lot going on since last season. NeNe Leakes re-married Gregg, as we know, and is now like Veruca Salt in a chocolate factory, opening all her wedding presents. Once such wedding present is a $400 Hermes plate from Teresa Giudice. Teresa needs to ask for that plate back. #NotARichBitch
NeNe is ripping through the wrapping paper going 'For meeeeeee….?!' when Gregg reminds her it's actually "for we". Apparently not – it's NeNe's world and we're all just living in it. <Snaps>
Last night was the conclusion of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. And it was a whirlin', twirlin', spinning time. There were more lies, half-truths, and defense mechanisms swirling around that stage than in the eye of a tornado. And I'm dizzy.
A certain someone in a yellow dress needs to sit down and get her twirl out of Andy Cohen's face. Lord knows that may have been the closest he's ever been to a lady's anatomy.
Things begin with recapping Kim Zolciak's exit from the stage (and the show!). She texted NeNe Leakes a bevy of glowing compliments. In exchange NeNe wishes her well and calls her out on the wig pieces she was trying to pass off as her "real hair". Wig shade never ceases to amuse me. I call Kim's clip-in beehive "Marge".
Last night was the first installment of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. Kenya Moore lived in the hot seat this reunion as she got it from all the ladies (even Andy Cohen!), so that must explain why she was constantly fanning herself. Reunions By Krayonce!
This whole reunion could be photo-capped with the fantastic facial expressions of both Phaedra Parks and Krayonce. Everybody knows a picture is worth 1000 words. Both ladies threw shade at each other up one side and down the other, but Phaedra and her legalese definitely trumped Miss WHO-S-A. Sorry!
Kenya brought two accessories besides a full arsenal of nonsense: a fan and illusion netting. Illusion netting!
Girl was also shades of radioactive orange not found in nature that only seemed to glow more and more ominously as the snark got heaped on her in spades. Kenya was twisting like a tornado trying to twirl her way out of the insults. As Phaedra pointed out, that fan was a weak defense and she better have something stronger if she wants to battle!